Luke Cook
Luke Cook lost his father at 4 and spent 35 years hiding that grief until three simultaneous losses at 39 forced him to reckon with it and build something his daughters would never lose.
Hear this story
Luke Cook lost his father at 4 years old. The memory that stayed with him was watching a police car arrive at his grandmother's house instead of his mother's car. He spent 35 years trying not to think about that moment, tucking it away like a puzzle piece he couldn't face. When he turned 39, the same age his father had been when he died, something shifted. At that exact moment, three things fell apart at once: his best friend and father of two died, his business stopped overnight during COVID, and he realised he was now older than his father had ever been. The weight of it forced him to finally look at that hidden puzzle piece.
Rather than stay broken by it, Luke made a decision about what came next. He mapped out his entire life, every good moment and every painful one, and asked himself a hard question: what did he want to leave his daughters? He didn't want them to grow up the way he had, knowing nothing about who their father really was. So he started Cuppa TV, a daily platform for stories and connection. What began as a way to save himself became a movement. He wakes at 5:30, moves his body, watches the sunrise, and stays offline until 9 am. He sits in conversations with people whose lives look nothing like his own. He turned his moment of breaking into something deliberate: proving that the smallest actions, done consistently, can reshape everything.
Luke's story is about what happens when you stop hiding from the fracture and start building from it instead. It's about choosing to show up differently, not because everything is fixed, but because someone else's future matters enough to try.
⚠️ Content advisory: this episode discusses grief & loss, which some listeners may find distressing.
If you need support, you're not alone. Help is available: • Lifeline (24/7 crisis support): 13 11 14 · lifeline.org.au • GriefLine: 1300 845 745 · griefline.org.au
“My biggest thing about my dad passing is I didn't know who he was. I didn't know his values. I didn't know him as a man. I didn't know his dreams. I didn't want that to happen for my girls.”
“That puzzle piece in my life that I try to hide underneath the couch and wait for the metaphorical vacuum to sweep it up so I could never deal with it. But when I turned 39, the same age as Dad, and I was going through so many life pivotal moments myself, I had to sit with that piece.”
“It took me 39 years to sit down with a First Nations person to hear their story. It took me 39 years to sit down with someone that was transgender to hear their story. And my challenge to the world right now is that you all have an opinion, but unless you're sitting in the dirt with someone that is different from you, you don't really know what's going on.”
The hero, today
John spent 35 years trying to hide the puzzle piece of his father's death, until turning 39 forced him to ask where it actually fit in his life and stop letting it define him. When John's business collapsed, his best friend died, and he turned the same age as his deceased father, he chose to own his mornings by waking at 5:30, moving his body, watching the sunrise, and not checking his phone until 9 am. John believes the real power in society lies in collaboration fueled by hope rather than competition driven by fear, and that sitting in uncomfortable conversations with people different from you is where actual change happens. John launched Cuppa TV to capture his own story and leave a legacy for his daughters so they would know who their father was, something he was never able to do with his own father. John argues that caring about something is not enough; the difference happens when people move from awareness to compassion to actual committed action in their own lives every single day.
Yes. Luke Cook is a real person who shared their own story in their own words. Kintsugi Heroes is a not-for-profit that shares first-person stories of overcoming adversity, told with the person's consent.
Kintsugi Heroes, a registered Australian not-for-profit. Every story is shared with the hero's own consent and reviewed under Kintsugi Heroes' trauma-informed content standard before it goes public.
John spent 35 years trying to hide the puzzle piece of his father's death, until turning 39 forced him to ask where it actually fit in his life and stop letting it define him.
When John's business collapsed, his best friend died, and he turned the same age as his deceased father, he chose to own his mornings by waking at 5:30, moving his body, watching the sunrise, and not checking his phone until 9 am.
John believes the real power in society lies in collaboration fueled by hope rather than competition driven by fear, and that sitting in uncomfortable conversations with people different from you is where actual change happens.
John Milham (Host) · 00:00
Kintsugi Heroes acknowledges funding that was made possible with support from the Community Broadcasting Foundation. Find out more at cbf.org.au. Welcome back to Kintsugi Heroes, helping people tell the stories they need to share so you can find the stories that you need to hear. In this episode, John Millum is joined by Luke Cook, a storyteller whose journey is both inspiring and profound. From his early days as Lightning Luke in radio to establishing his platform Kappa, Luke has continually sought to uplift and connect people through the power of sharing stories. Facing significant personal challenges, including the loss of his father at a young age and a tough period when he turned 39, Luke found strength in vulnerability and using his experiences to drive meaningful conversations and personal growth, offering valuable insights into dealing with trauma and adversity. Enjoy this one with Luke Cook.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 01:11
Ladies and gentlemen, um, and listeners to Katsuki Heroes, it's a, um, another Stories That Matter session today. And, uh, I'm, uh, I feel a little daunted today, right? Because, uh, uh, we tell stories, um, and I'm talking to a storyteller, a man who has got an amazing platform and sharing an amazing collection of stories from experts and others and making it, putting it out there in a really powerful way. So today I am overjoyed to introduce Luke Cook to Consigur Heroes. Welcome, Luke.
John Milham (Host) · 01:48
Hello, John. I'm really looking forward to today's chat, my friend. I'm ready to go deep and share wisdom and insights and help anyone who's watching today.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 01:57
As a, um, as a story host, man, that's, uh, like that, you couldn't hear better words, right? If to, like, I love, it's go deep or go home, uh, as my philosophy, right? But, uh, I did wanna start, like, I normally, you know, we throw in a bio, right? And, um, and your bio is, is amazing, right? With, um, lots of marketing and entrepreneurial stuff and success and, and, um, and challenge and then. Resurrection and success again, um, which is just awesome to set up for from a business or interest point of view. But I've got to tell you, I, I have to ask you first up without anything, uh, as a preview, um, how, um, cool is it to have a photo, uh, out there with, you know, a young Luke Cook sandwiched between Chopper Reid and, and Mark Jacko Jackson?
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John launched Cuppa TV to capture his own story and leave a legacy for his daughters so they would know who their father was, something he was never able to do with his own father.
This conversation includes a storyteller meets a storyteller, the photo with chopper reid, lightning luke, born on the job, the police car at his grandmother's house, the puzzle piece he couldn't face and three catastrophes at once.
John Milham (Host) · 02:50
Right. Yeah, that, uh, I posted that the other day on LinkedIn just to showcase, you know, how sometimes your life comes around in 360 moments. And I'm not meaning that I was a criminal. That a photo, Nick, to chop a reader, Mark Jacko Jackson.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 03:05
But my first ever call, called in for questioning due to known associates, mate.
John Milham (Host) · 03:10
Right. Yeah. But my, uh, yeah, my journey started as Lightning Luke on the streets of Sydney handing out free cans of Coke for a radio station. And I got to meet some interesting people who came into the radio station. And one of those was Chopper Reid and Mark Jacko Jackson. And there's a real funny story. That photo has got me with my hands crossed like that.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 03:30
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
John Milham (Host) · 03:31
Because I said, oh, Chopper, can I have a photo with you? He goes, only if you hold your hands like this, mate. I said, whatever you want, Chopper, just let me— yeah, just you tell me. God knows how his sunglasses were staying on his head with no ears. But, you know, like, that was a, uh, It was a good moment.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 03:45
Yeah, yeah.
John Milham (Host) · 03:47
But, uh, yeah, it's a— yeah, I've hung around with some interesting people, like, in all worlds of life. And each one of them, you know, you look at them, they've all got their own story, right? And their story is unique to them. And that's the beautiful part of it, whether it's good, bad, interesting, or small, still a story.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 04:04
Just having, um, been called Lightning Luke on air, right, is that like— did that shape something, right? It was— as a young bloke, is that an important milestone?
John Milham (Host) · 04:13
Well, you know, I got my first radio station gig out of school. I was 19. Um, I, I went for a job as a promo driver of and working in the promotions team of a radio network. And, um, uh, I got the job and I didn't know you had to drive a manual car, so I had to learn within a week on how to drive a manual car because I only got, I only got my driver's license on automatic. And, um, I remember driving out of the car park on the first day and stalling it right in front of the driveway just to piss you off, you ass. But you know, when I caught up with the first live cross, I went and caught up with the announcer beforehand and said, okay, I'm about to go out. He goes, well, what are we going to call you? And I go, I don't know. He goes, what's your name?
Luke Cook (Guest) · 04:59
Luke.
John Milham (Host) · 04:59
All right, Lightning Luke. That's it. We're going to do Lightning Luke. And that's how the name stuck. But I suppose, you know, I never strike twice. I never went to the same location twice. But yeah, I came up with my pseudo, you know, brand.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 05:13
So you designed your avatar to fit the name, right?
John Milham (Host) · 05:17
Totally, totally.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 05:18
Yeah.
John Milham (Host) · 05:19
So yeah, that was my nickname during the early stages of radio, was Lightning Luke.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 05:26
As a— sorry, mate. Yeah, as a kid going through school, were you destined to be like that upfront kind of, you know, you know, promo guy. Did you have that in you, or is that, or was that a journey?
John Milham (Host) · 05:39
Yeah, I was an only child as a kid, um, so, uh, my dad passed away when I was 4, and so mum never remarried and had kids. But mum was very out there and outgoing, um, and always putting me into social situations. And I think as an only child, there was that element of trying to prove yourself or stand out a little bit. Um, well, from my perspective, but my mum was very social. So I was always a social young man. And always put myself out there and I did, I did, I think I was, I think I was talking to a friend of mine the other day just around, you know, I remember going up on stage as a young kid in Blacktown Westfield or West Point or whatever it was and going up on stage and, and being a part of a, you know, a fun little thing that the school put on. And when I went through high school, I did drama as a kid. In my early high school years and even up until Year 12. And I was always the one that they go, oh, we're gonna need to do an assembly, who would host it? So I put up my hand, or it was just naturally was, oh, Luke will do it. So yeah, I think it was. I think there was always that moment in me that wanted to make people feel good.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 06:51
Do you mind if I take you back to, you mentioned losing your dad at 4 and your mum not marrying and being raised as a, as an only child in a home. Did you know, 4 is very young. Did you, did that shape, you know, did you have memories of Dad?
John Milham (Host) · 07:07
Was that something, obviously that's what you know as a kid, but yeah, I like, I've reflected a lot, a lot of, a lot around this, especially at when I was 39 and I'll reference that now because the story will come back, but You know, as a kid, yeah, losing your dad at such a young age, you just don't know the impact that it has until later on in life, really. Because as a kid and back then, there wasn't as many support mechanisms to support the widow or the kid. This was going back to 1985 when I was 4. And do I remember much about dad? Not really. I remember two moments. I remember one moment because he used to be a sales director of a fruit juice company. And I remember one time he drove the ute up and when he drove the ute up, he handed out a popper to me out the back. But I don't remember his head. I remember his waist down, if that makes sense. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Wow.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 08:11
Because that's the perspective.
John Milham (Host) · 08:13
And then the second time I remember is him telling me off and me going to bed after doing something cheeky. And I remember that moment. But the only other moment I remember is when the police car arrived at my grandma's house where I used to go after school when my mum was in the back. And that moment, because I used to look outside the window waiting for mum to arrive in her car and it wasn't her car that day, it was a police car. And I, I never forget that moment because that was, that was the, that was the life-changing moment that happened. And, you know, my dad didn't leave us anything like mum had to. Keep working and soldiering on as a single parent. And, um, and she didn't let me, um, she didn't throughout my whole life let me go without anything. Like, she used to take me to rugby league games to support my footy team. I went to soccer matches. And, you know, that's why I think, you know, she never really remarried was because, you know, she put all her efforts into me, and that was her absolute focus, which, you know, I'm grateful for 100%. Um, but yeah, like the— when it hit me with my dad, I went throughout my whole teenage life, you know, knowing that I didn't have my dad there for certain dates, certain things. So that hurt. And, you know, that was always tough to see, like, you know, fathers and father and son outings and all that type of stuff, learning to drive and, you know, all of that.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 09:35
Yeah, shaving and yeah, everything, everything.
John Milham (Host) · 09:39
But the biggest moment happened for me was when I turned the same age as Dad.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 09:43
Wow.
John Milham (Host) · 09:43
When he passed, that was, uh, 39. That was— I think sometimes in life, and you'll hear this narrative a lot today, but I see my life as a great big image, which we don't know what that image is, many of us, and I don't still know fully, but that image is made up of individual pieces in our life. I call it like our big puzzle, and each, each piece represents a moment in our life. Um, and sometimes those moments are good, bad, ugly, and small. I think with my dad's death, it was like that puzzle piece in my life that I try to hide underneath the couch and wait for the metaphorical vacuum to sweep it up so I could never deal with it. But when I turned 39, the same age as Dad, and I was going through so many life pivotal moments myself at that time, Um, I had to sit with that piece and just really be with that moment of what have I— where did— where can that piece fit in my puzzle now instead of trying to hide it after all those years. And it took a lot of internal work to realize that, you know, that piece still has a place in my puzzle and it makes up one moment in my life. It doesn't define me, but all moments do make me. So I have to really know where it sits so I can move on. Um, but yeah, 39 years of 35 years, it took me, um, to really understand where that piece fit. So it doesn't always go.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 11:11
That's a massive moment of personal reflection and perhaps next leveling up, right? So, you know, what did that give you back? What did you then?
John Milham (Host) · 11:23
Yeah, so the big moment hit me, and there was 3 big moments that happened around that time. I lost the best mate who was a father of 2 kids. I lost the best mate. My business stopped overnight. My previous business before I started what I'm doing now stopped overnight, and I turned 39, the same age as my dad. So I was left with no money because my business stopped overnight. I lost the best mate recently who was also a dad. And I, I turned 39, the same age as my dad. So all this, the moments that started playing in my head, John, were, were, if I die tomorrow, I'm going to leave my— and I had a young family at that stage— I'm going to leave my kids with nothing. And that was a big, um, component for me, was just that, um, worried about, you know, leaving my kids with nothing at all. And how I actually place that piece is I realized that, well, A, I'm already older than my dad, so I got another 39 years to look forward to. So how do I shift my thinking into thinking about things that are more, you know, positive instead of negative? So it was a bit of a mindset shift. The other thing is, is I want to leave a legacy. I want, I want, I want my story to be told and captured.. And so if I ever pass away, that my kids know who their dad is. So, um, that's almost at the same time is when the new business that I thought about started. And here I am today with so much content stories to know that if I ever pass away, at least there's a story that my, cause my biggest thing about my dad passing, mate, is I didn't know who he was. I didn't know his values. I didn't know. Him as a man. I didn't know his dreams. I didn't know what he loved, what he hated. I didn't know anything. And I just don't want that to happen for my girls. So that set me on a journey of, you know, legacy building, I suppose. So, um, if I ever pass away, my girls know who their dad is forever. And we live in an age now that we can capture that content really easily as well.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 13:33
That's amazing, mate. So Did you, do you, did you seek to know your dad just to know you? Was that part of it?
John Milham (Host) · 13:43
Uh, you get anecdotal stuff from, you know, your mum and stuff like that, but until you hear it from the, the, the mouth of the person that you're trying to be, there's all that missing gap because you can't get in the insights. You can't go deep on the quality of the conversation to get to the real why of how things are and who that person is. So I didn't go on a discovery to find out more about that. I went on a discovery to find out more about me from the lessons I've learned from life and how my dad's passing. So you go to that puzzle piece again, each puzzle piece has connection points, right? Like each puzzle piece has those little holes or little things that connect to something else. I found that those are, you know, in every piece it's about, well, what do you learn? What can you take forward and what can you act today? And that's how we can move forward to place that peace is what can we learn and how can we move forward with that learning? And, and, you know, if we lose someone in our life that is so dear, each one of us can take a moment from that person that we can hold true into who we are as an individual, where that person is never really gone. We just move forward from that situation, living and breathing everything that that person was. And for me, that biggest learning was, well, you know, life is precious. I could have another 39 years in this life and I want to make a difference and, and I want my kids to know who their dad is. So that, that is my piece now of being able to place my dad's piece to say, okay, now it fits in my puzzle versus me not even dealing with it.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 15:21
Yeah. Wow. So how, um, what did, uh, that bring to the post-39? So you've, you've, you've sort of, uh, unlocked some things, but also, you know, like you talk about values and knowing your values and so on. What did you want to do with that information?
John Milham (Host) · 15:40
I, I, when I, when I went through that moment with my dad, losing my best friend and losing my business, I did one thing that led me to this Puzzle initiative, but I timeline my whole life, John. I timelined every major moment that happened in my life, the good and the bad. And I actually did that learning journey around every piece in my puzzle. And it always brought me back to like, how can I give to others? Like, how can I be that central voice of helping people? And when I lost my business through COVID, I, I, it was at that moment that I walked to the coffee shop after I timeline my life. And it's amazing. Like once you timeline it, you see some of the pieces just fit and then other things in the life just start to eventuate because the energy that you put out there, you just see all your puzzle pieces starting to fit and then new things start to come to you. And what came to me was, well, okay, I'm, my mental health's not in a good spot at the moment. I was crying every day at that time. I lost all my money with my family. I turned 39. I, everything that I've reiterated so far. I'm not in a good spot, but I know many other people aren't in a good spot at this time during COVID And I just, and you could see the news every day and everything like that. And I just went, you know what? I need to, I need to start my day with some positivity and inspiration. And I know many other people do as well. And then I started thinking about, well, how do I, how do I do that? And that's when I launched a virtual cafe to help people stay positive and inspired. Little did everyone know that it was mainly for me as well, because it gave me purpose every single day. It gave me something to look forward to, to catch up with some people that I knew like Lane Beachley and, you know, other people who had a lot stronger mindset than me at that time, even though they were going through their own struggles in some way, shape, or form. Um, and so that's the, the thing that held me true during that time was going, okay, I want to use my voice in a way that can help others. And that just gave me purpose, mate. And yeah, but it only came because I, I really had to sit in my own, uh, shit, should we say, to be able to move forward with it, um, and look at my own life. And the thing about anything that we go through, any struggle, is the only one that can get us out of it is our own selves. And we've got to own it. We've got to own the pain to be able to move forward. We can get external help to help us navigate with our feelings and energy. And I encourage that. I sought that as well. I got a life coach who was a friend of mine. I got, um, I sought professional help as well during that time. But at the end of the day, I had to own the next, next step. And sometimes that is overwhelming for people, but what isn't overwhelming is the one action you can do today. The one conversation, the one thought, the one idea, the one moment, the one self-care strategy that you can do. It's the one little ones here and there that add up. Because when we do the one, when we take that one moment, it makes us move. When we move consistently, it creates momentum. When we create momentum, it creates a movement. And that's my philosophy now is how do we turn more moments into movements by just taking that one step, one action, one thought.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 19:10
I love that, you know, the moments to movements, that's a, you know, a tagline excellence. But it's interesting how I love how you went to, you know, you talked about needing to have the change internally inside out, right? To make it work. But you turn to some of the most high-profile people in— you're like, obviously you had some contacts, right? And those people, wisdom and experts and sort of high-profile challengers, which they knew stuff from, and you turn to them to gain advice and support, right? Which I think is like an act of genius and also quite useful if you're going to And you'll be inspired to create a movement out of it.
John Milham (Host) · 19:56
So yeah, like I, it is my network. So, you know, I was in media advertising and sponsorship for a long period of time and, you know, I managed to build up a really good network. I had a business partner, Jill, who, um, was also really well connected. So when my previous business FunLocker stopped overnight because of COVID um, We were lucky in the fact that we did know a few people that we could, you know, call upon. And it was at a time where everyone else was going through change. And yeah, so everyone had time to talk and chat. Yeah, things. So it was an easy time to get good quality talent. But we all came from the same place. And that, and this is the thing about the world right now, right? Where's, we're so much about competition in Western society and beating the next person, beating the next country, beating the next everything that The real power lies in collaboration and collaboration that is fueled by, by hope. And unfortunately, as a society, we're just so driven by fear now that it makes people stop in their own thing. And, you know, that's a narrative that I'm holding on true with is, you know, no matter who you are, where you're from, what your background is, we can all, if we can galvanize together, live in a place of hope and, and opportunity. And I'm testament to that, mate, because like I was driven by fear and all that type of stuff. But when you leverage something inside of you that is greater than you, and when that is given to others, that is magic. That's where magic happens, where it's not selfish, but it's about giving. Giving to others, that's when, that's when, you know, things like what you're doing, you know, you're giving to others right now, and that is an amazing gift. And more and more people should gift in some way. It can just be a random act of kindness every single day. Who knows? It doesn't have to be much.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 21:54
Makes a lot of good sense, mate. Like, uh, and it's, uh, kind of surprising that we have to work so hard to make it a movement instead of just got everyday activity. But, uh, I, I want to just hold that thought, right? Because there's so much to explore in the concept of movement and of course the whole response to COVID and you being caught up with it. Just a quick question though, when you touched all of those impressive people you had that were beginning your, which you called it the virtual cafe, which is a great idea, right? So what is it about, like these people are high profile and they've done amazing things, Do they have better insights than just the bloke on the street? Is like, uh, you know, is the stories better? What differentiates someone well-known and with a profile?
John Milham (Host) · 22:45
Yeah, like lived experience. A lot of them, obviously every one of them have got a lived experience in some way, shape, or form. Some of them, uh, you know, the high-profile ones have got there because of many situations where they've ever had to break down barriers and people note them because they've done so and they've won gold medals or they're world champions or or they've reached the top of their game. I don't think that what they offer necessarily is game-changing to what other people can do and act. But if you look at, if you look at movement generation, people have got to galvanize around something. And the galvanization of a story from someone who has achieved something just makes it easier for people to follow and flow, even though some of the commentary might be very similar to the everyday person out there. So I think they just had that natural gravitas to them that allows people to want to be part of that journey and can understand their story within the other person's story. And that linkage is important. I do want to state that, you know, each one of us has an individual story, and that is the one thing that no one can take away from us. Our story is ours. It's intrinsically ours. It's our footprint in this world. Now, you know, they're, you know, the anecdote that, you know, you can't walk in another person's shoes. No, you can't, but you can follow someone else's footprint until you're confident enough to go on your own path. And that's what I hope that, you know, all the thought leaders that we talk to regularly is we hope people may follow in their footprints so they can then get the confidence to walk on their own path.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 24:25
Interesting. Like you finished on that point, which was that we were talking about how other people offer the footsteps that we should follow, right? And I love that idea because that perspective is all the difference, right? Can you see someone else's perspective? And you talk to so many people. Do you see their perspective when you talk to them?
John Milham (Host) · 24:53
You know what, mate? One of the biggest things and learnings that I've had since launching Kupper is the many of the unconscious biases that I I didn't know I held. Um, you know, it took me 39 years to sit down with a First Nations person to hear their story. It took me 39 years to sit down with someone that was transgender to hear their story. It took me 39 years to sit down with someone that was a quadriplegic to hear their story. And my challenge to the world right now is that you all— good for you to have an opinion, but unless you're sitting in the dirt or sitting in the conversation with someone that is different from you, and exploring that conversation with curiosity, because there's many truths in our own opinions, right? And so that's why from a, um, that's why from my perspective, like to be able to sit in that, uh, uncomfortableness, I suppose, in conversations with people that are different from you, the biggest learning that we can all have, because we're surrounded by the same people in our own world. They look like us, they sound like us. Some of them are the, you know, many of them the same color as us and we still have an opinion about other people, but we've never sat with them to understand their story. And that is the biggest challenge facing our society at the moment is we're so easy to offer opinions now on platforms. We have no right to offer our opinion on, but we do so anyway for right of speech or the rest of it. We don't really know what's going on in the other person's world. We don't understand their story. So that's something I've had to realize myself is being able to tackle many of my own unconscious biases.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 26:31
How did you do that? What learning did you grasp to manage that? Because it's not an easy thing to sort of learn as you go, you know, dealing with all sorts of reflection moments.
John Milham (Host) · 26:44
You know what, if it wasn't for KAPPA, I probably wouldn't have. I forced myself to have a conversation and hear the stories of people. Obviously I had a platform. And I wanted to broaden our scope around, you know, who we talk to and why we talk to them and learn more. So some of it was forced, but what wasn't forced was the nervousness and anxiety I had about going into those conversations for not saying the wrong thing. Now, you know what I've learned about nerves? Nerves mean you're about to learn something new. So embrace it because your nerves and anxiety means that there's something on edge about you. And why is it on edge? Because it's not comfortable. And if it's not comfortable, that means you're getting outside of your comfort zone, which means you're about to learn. When you do that more often, you grow. And that's where the real change takes place in who we are as individuals. Some of my best friends now, uh, First Nations elders, uh, transgender people, those that have no legs or arms. And it's just like my perspectives and shifts around humanity has changed because I've had a willingness to be open-minded about the conversations that I have.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 28:01
I love that, you know, like the move from marketing and your own situation where you had to, you know, rebuild almost overnight, right? And all of the personal challenge, you know, the loss of your business and all that meant for your wellbeing, right? What would you, uh, you know, recommend people do without having that personal epiphany of like their entire ex, you know, world breaks down? So many men seem to need that for us to grasp some of the things you're talking about today.
John Milham (Host) · 28:39
Yeah. Like, I'm a very big thinker, right? So for me, it was easy for me to go into big thinking, looking internal sort of components. For people in there every day, you know, deep in your gut if something's not right. So you've got to look at your actions every single day. How are you starting your day? Are you getting up early? Are you exercising? That's the first. The first thing I'd say to everyone who is going through some challenges is own the morning, just own the morning. Like if you can do one thing for yourself, just own the morning. Because if you do that, at least you've done something for yourself the whole day. And you look back at the day and you can, so when I was going through my biggest challenges, I'd get up at 5:30. I'd go, I'd go to the local, like I'd walk or run. I'm not, I'm not that big on running every day, but that's all right. I got up and moved. I went and watched the sunrise, which gave me more perspective that every single day is a new day. There's a different sun, sunrise. So that added more perspective to me. I tried mindfulness practices, learned how to breathe, listen to music that brought me joy. What I didn't do was check my phone until 9 o'clock in the morning after I did my morning routine. So, you know, it doesn't have to be major shifts that you need to go through, but you need to look at your own actions and you need to own your own actions. No one, again, no one's going to get you through this. It's you that gets you through this. And it's those small little steps that you can do. That one moment, that one conversation, again, is all you need to focus on every single day and celebrate that. Celebrate what you did. To get guys talking more is a big thing. And I'm a big advocate for that. I'm very, stand alongside of Loke as he's talking and regularly checking in on mates and just having conversations with, with other guys is such a big thing for me. Um, cause that's who I relied upon. You centralize your tribe around, you centralize yourself around the tribe that gives you the energy and joy. Be careful of those people that drain you. Um, sometimes they're your own family members. So you just have to be really careful around your tribe and, and um, being able to, you know, be with people that actually care. Again, not to offer an opinion, just to be there to listen to you is all you need a lot of the time. You don't need another perspective or a 'she'll be right, mate,' because right now it's not right, and that's okay.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 31:12
Do you think it could be as simple as conversations? Right, you're like, I love the idea of putting people— getting out and having conversations with people you wouldn't normally talk to, or if you've got you know, prejudice against, or just having a new experience with someone. Um, I don't— you know, we, we all seem to agree that social media isn't helping that. It has to be sort of person to person, face to face, shoulder to shoulder. Those conversations could— you know, we've got a lot of concern about men's mental health. You've spoken to the experts on your chat, on your, on your TV, um, on your streams. Um, Could it be as simple as just learning to be better conversationalists and to have more of them?
John Milham (Host) · 31:56
Yeah, you know, we are in a, I call, I say that our conversational muscle has weakened to a point where we don't know how now to have conversations. The conversations that we do do because of the way social media has trained us is very short, very to the point. We don't get to the depths of delivery because we're what's next mentality. And that is not helping with the younger generations as we're seeing. Coming through. It's very short-form dopamine hits versus, you know, in-depth, you know. The world's not going to change though, um, but we can change in how we deliver. And it might not mean that we need to have more conversations with so many people because not everyone is my way inclined and very, very open. But if you've got 3 to 5 people, your close tribe, and they are your network of people that you can have in-depth conversation, not to bitch and moan and do all that type of stuff, but to get into the core of feelings, that is enough for a person. Like just have 1 to 5 people. It's okay. Um, I do think though that we are in a, uh, and I, I put it on a LinkedIn post today about how frustrated I am around, um, the way that we connect these days and how every one of us now, like a love language, has a connection language that I don't like to answer my phone anymore. So message me through WhatsApp or message me through Instagram, or there's no one line of communication anymore where there was previously. Our only line of communication was writing letters and having conversations with people. Then the phone came in, which extended the conversational opportunity, which was brilliant. And then, then it's totally, then text message came in and then people started using text more. And then emails came in and, you know, like it was just, it's just been a constant evolution of broadening out our connection approach. And that has hindered us as a society. And it's no wonder why you can blame social media all you want. And social media has got a massive thing of why we're at where we're at as society, but it started way before social media. Um, it's just the pain point. Exploded because of social media, but we've been on this natural decline. And, you know, that's probably one of the biggest lessons I've learned from First Nations wisdom and how they, you know, sit around a circle and yarn and tell stories. And, you know, it's such a beautiful thing that, you know, our solution has been underneath our feet for 60,000 years if we take the time to listen and learn. And we need to get back to those circles of yarning and conversations and Again, it doesn't have to be, um, on a mass scale. It can just be with the people that are in your tribe that are good for you in that tribe.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 34:42
Yeah, just where the, where the, where the people are, the fire is, and the elders, and sit around and yarn. I love it, mate. What stories, um, have you walked, uh, in the footprints of that have really inspired you? What's the best stories you've heard?
John Milham (Host) · 35:00
The First Nations wisdom one has definitely been probably one of the biggest eye-opening ones with me. Dr. Paul Callaghan, an Indigenous leader, wrote the book called The Dreaming Path. I went all in on that book just to, hey, tackle many unconscious biases, but also learn from First Nations wisdom. So that's definitely one. I get so much value out of people like, like Layne Beachley in particular, who's a really good close friend of mine now. And, um, just hearing her narrative, how, you know, even though she won 7 World Cups or World Championships, she did 5 of them in fear and only 2 of them in love. So it also shows that, um, even at the top end of your game, you don't always have everything in order. Um, and she's just— the way that she speaks just naturally cuts through for me. Um, who else? You know, someone like Jill Hicks, the London bombing survivor. Um, I'm really good friends with Jill and I chat to her like I chatted to her today, but perspectives on life from her, like how your life can be turned upside down in most dramatic way where she was one person in between the bomber and she managed to survive. Um, but the perspective of life and the shifts that occur because of moments that are just totally out of your control. Um, and how you deal with that. And so like, there's so many, there's so many stories that have really guided my path, but it like that perspective shift is quite a big one because there is so many people that are probably doing it harder than you and, and that commentary of this too shall pass is always there, you know, like, and that's, that's the thing about the moments that happen in our life is they, they do pass. They do.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 36:57
What, um, what stories do you want to, to, to capture? What stories do you want to tell?
John Milham (Host) · 37:04
Yes. Yeah. The narrative that I want to see happen is, is for everyone to realize that every individual moment can turn into a positive movement or change, whether that's within yourself. Whether that's in workplaces or whether that's in broader society. And I think sometimes we just overcomplicate life and what's important. And one of the things that I always carry now is the decision-making process that I carry within myself is, is it important for future me? As in, am I faced with something that is important with future me? Is it my health? Is it my wellbeing? Is it money? Is it career? And the other perspective now that I have is what's important for future we and future we is for society and our families and our communities. And if we can live our life looking at how we can make a positive impact in both future me and future we and spend most of our time in those moments versus doom scrolling and doing other components, and we would be in a better position. So for me, this whole Moments to Movements narrative is something that I'm carrying on next year and wanting to guide as many people as possible through the storytelling that I do and catching up with people who have turned their moments into positive moments of change. And then I want Cuppa.tv to be the engine room behind all Moments to Movements. I want to, I want to start tackling some big societal issues and seeing how we can make more of a positive difference in this world by turning ideas into documentaries, TV shows, podcasts, courses, events, content. All with that ethos of making a difference. My favorite quote, John, at the moment is the Dalai Lama quote that if you think you're too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. And I'm buzzing at the moment and I want people to turn on the light, not to squash me, but to realize that that noise is the earning for them to be doing something better for, better for the world, better for themselves. Better for the community that they serve. And so that quote to me is a little more than one little internal driving force at the moment to buzz really loud.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 39:13
And so you're saying that to yourself every day, giving yourself the buzz.
John Milham (Host) · 39:17
I say to every conversation, I almost do. Why? Learning only happens when we embody everything that we say about who we are and how we act. Now that internal narrative, a lot of the times knocks us down and cripples us. And don't get me wrong, I'm still driven by Bob, who is— Bob's my internal voice that keeps on talking to me in a negative way. Um, but being able to cement our thinking around whether it's quotes or affirmations or thoughts or the connections that we do and we embody everything that we talk about and we act upon everything that we talk about, not just embody, but do. That's when real change takes place. Like I look at it and go, most people are aware about situations of importance. Some people care, but very few, very few people show where they're driving the change in their own life. That's where we need to move to is move from care to where, because a lot of people care. But if you want to talk about climate change, what are you doing in every, in your every single life? If you want to, if you want to make people feel good, First Nations people, where are you driving that change? Who are you meeting with? What are you doing? It's the where component that we should be doing more. And that's where the focus of Future Me and Future We sits is, is it important for me? Is it important for society? Now what can I do about it? Okay, let's do it.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 40:38
Yeah, I love that. I listen to the idea that empathy, everyone's talking empathy, but I sign on to some ideas that empathy isn't enough. We need to go to compassion, which is empathy plus. Commitment plus action, you know, like we need more, you know, we need to take it to the next level to, to make it real.
John Milham (Host) · 40:58
Yeah.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 40:59
We've all, awareness is the beginning of the journey. It's not the purpose. So love that. Um, what are you personally looking forward to?
John Milham (Host) · 41:09
I'm looking forward to looking in my, my daughter's eyes in the next 20 years' time saying, look what's changed because of the actions that I've started. Not only do I have to develop them strongly enough to be the women that they deserve to be and have the equal rights that they deserve to be, but I can't stand here, talk to you today without me knowing that I've put 100% effort into trying to fix the world as well around them versus themselves. And that is, that's my future we, right? They're part of my community. That is my family. That is my community. And so that, that's what I'm looking forward to is in 20 years' time or even whatever that year's time is that I know that I've done everything I can to leave them, leave them in a better world than what they've, what is potentially there if I don't do anything at all.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 42:01
And, um, I noticed like, uh, November, it's now summer, it's turned into December, but, uh, I, the one thing at America I'm quite pleased about from America is the concept of Thanksgiving, but Thanksgiving is a kind of selfish idea. I don't want to give thanks for what I've got. I want to be grateful. I was just wondering, you know, like your CuppaTV is an amazing platform. You must be excited about what's happening with CuppaTV and the prospects and all that's happening in your life. What do you hope to, what do you like everyone to know about gratitude and what they should be grateful for.
John Milham (Host) · 42:44
I think we've become a little bit of a thankless society in some parts where we just expect things to happen for us without saying thanks. It takes that little random act of just thinking more about others than yourself. And, um, I think, I think it underpins every bit of hope that we have for our future is to to have more gratitude in our lives, in, in gratitude in who we are, as in saying thanks for who I am and what I achieved today, to saying thanks to someone else for a great podcast that they're doing or video blog that they're doing, like you are, John, to saying thanks to the person that, you know, um, he's always there to support us. And just, it's just the little things that we can be doing better. The one encouragement I want everyone to do, like if they're watching this, is just send someone a text saying that, hey, I love you and just thinking of you. Or give them a call. They probably won't answer, by the way, but give them a call. Just as the little moments, you know, it's the one little actions. They make a big difference.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 43:52
I love that, mate. Um, we can change the world by thanking a bus driver and, um, You know what, I was, uh, I love that movement where, um, you let someone in and give them a wave in the car. You know, as it's almost like the antidote to road rage. Maybe they're the, the things that'll save us, right? Those little moments.
John Milham (Host) · 44:12
It's a smile that you give to someone walking down the street. They could be having the worst day ever and you give them a smile and you, they've been seen and heard. I think, you know, going back to that video that I'd did on LinkedIn just before about, you know, I could call 20 people in one day and maybe one person will pick up their phone, maybe two will call me back. Some may acknowledge my text, but then others don't even do anything at all. You don't know what's on the other line. You don't know if I'm in my worst state. You could save a life by just acknowledging, hey, are you okay? And that's what I want people to do is this is why this whole thanks and gratitude thing is. You don't have to answer the phone call. You don't have to return it. Just acknowledge the person and their worth that they've tried to reach out to you. And the more that we can acknowledge someone in our lives by saying thanks or just saying, hey, I'm here. They're the things that we can control because there's so many things that we can't. We can't control the US elections. We can't control, we can't control many factors in our lives. What we can control is how we show up, how we act and what we do. Um, and that is our own North Star, I suppose.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 45:22
And, uh, I, I think, mate, um, uh, that is, uh, definitely something we should turn into a movement. So, but I love your, um, philosophy, mate. I love what you've done with Cuppa TV. I recommend everyone give it a look for amazing stuff. Um, and, uh, just, I want to thank you, Luke, for sharing your valuable time and incredible insight and story. Thanks, brother.
John Milham (Host) · 45:48
Mate, it's been an absolute pleasure and I really do appreciate, you know, everything that you're doing as well and part of the incredible business that you're in because, you know, the organization that you're in can serve so much to the community. Um, and it's such great to be able to hold space like this with people who care and want to see a better world. And the more stories like this that can go out into the world, the better. Because you don't know. You don't know which story is going to impact the person at the right time. And you've done that today, John, as well. So I appreciate it. Thank you.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 46:19
Mate, it's been awesome and fantastic. Let's talk soon. All the best, brother.
John Milham (Host) · 46:29
Bye. Thank you for listening to this episode of Kintsugi Heroes.
Luke Cook (Guest) · 46:36
Thank you to Colin Lilly for permission to use Broken as our theme music for this series.
John Milham (Host) · 46:43
If you enjoyed this conversation, share the podcast with a friend and let us know by leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you'd like to support Kintsugi Heroes and the stories we share, head to kintsugiheroes.com www.brothersandsistersinroses.com.au and follow the instructions to make a tax-deductible donation. Thank you for listening, and we'll see you next time.
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