Kahlil Bagatsing · 55 min
At 40, Kahlil Bagatsing looked in the mirror weighing over 320 pounds, isolated and wishing he hadn't woken up, and chose to dismantle a lifetime of living for everyone else in order to finally find himself.
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At 40, Kahlil Bagatsing weighed over 320 pounds, isolated, and wishing he hadn't woken up. He was unrecognizable to himself, not because of a single catastrophic event, but because of a lifetime of small, slow choices made to please everyone else. Born in the Philippines to a multicultural family, Kahlil learned early to respect elders and follow instructions. He took the business degree his father chose, used his father's company as his master's thesis, and worked in the family business for decades, even as he felt it wasn't who he was. A 15-year volunteer stint with Make-A-Wish Foundation kept him alive, but it wasn't enough. When he finally looked in the mirror at 39, turning 40, he recognised he had become someone he didn't know and didn't like.
The fracture came wrapped in a simple but devastating realisation: he had spent his entire life lying to himself about what he wanted. He quit the family business with his savings and began a spiritual search, meditation retreats, ashrams, self-help books, silent monasteries. Then he discovered improv comedy in the Philippines and learned a principle that shifted everything: saying yes to adventure instead of playing it safe. He moved through San Francisco, took classes, said yes to things. But the deeper work was internal. He learned he could never love another person or build the partnership he wanted until he first learned to love himself. He had to stop the lie.
Today Kahlil works as a job coach with Upwardly Global, helping immigrants and refugees build careers in the US, the very work he had to learn for himself. He's married, grateful for his parents in a way that transformed his relationship with them, and he frames uncertainty not as fear but as one of three answers: yes, not yet, or something better. His healing became his purpose. He now shows others what it took him 40 years to discover: how to find yourself when you've spent a lifetime lost in everyone else's expectations.
“just take the next right step”
“it's like my whole life I've just been trying to be someone who I wasn't”
“I kind of wish that I didn't — it's like I just woke up and I'm like wow, why didn't I just not wake up, that would have been better”
The hero, today
Kahlil spent his whole life trying to please others and follow what he thought he should do, which left him at 40 looking in the mirror and hating the person he saw, so the first step was stopping the lie and being truthful about what he actually wanted. When Kahlil started looking at everything through the lens of gratitude instead of blame, his relationship with his parents transformed from resentment into appreciation for what they actually gave him. Kahlil learned that he could never love another person or build the partnership he wanted until he first learned how to love himself and be happy in his own company. Asking for help and trusting that the universe would provide turned out to be as important as taking the next right step, and people showed up for him in ways he did not expect. The work Kahlil does now helping immigrants and refugees find careers they love is directly connected to his own struggle to find authenticity, so his healing became his purpose.
Yes. Kahlil Bagatsing is a real person who shared their own story in their own words. Kintsugi Heroes is a not-for-profit that shares first-person stories of overcoming adversity, told with the person's consent.
Kintsugi Heroes, a registered Australian not-for-profit. Every story is shared with the hero's own consent and reviewed under Kintsugi Heroes' trauma-informed content standard before it goes public.
Kahlil spent his whole life trying to please others and follow what he thought he should do, which left him at 40 looking in the mirror and hating the person he saw, so the first step was stopping the lie and being truthful about what he actually wanted.
When Kahlil started looking at everything through the lens of gratitude instead of blame, his relationship with his parents transformed from resentment into appreciation for what they actually gave him.
Kahlil learned that he could never love another person or build the partnership he wanted until he first learned how to love himself and be happy in his own company.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 00:07
Welcome to the Kintsugi Heroes podcast, where we share inspirational stories of everyday people going through different challenges and how they overcome them. Please be aware that the story you're about to hear may have moments of deeply felt emotions and personal experiences. If anything you hear has a triggering effect please reach out to someone who can help keep you safe. If you love this conversation, we'd love you to like and share it with your friends so we can continue to share more inspiration and hope to as many people as possible. Now listen up for our next hero's story. And in today's conversation, I met with Kailil Badik Sang, a lovely man from the USA who battled with living an inauthentic life for a very long time. Now you might think, well, that's not that challenging. Well, for those of you who are listening and can relate, you're probably nodding and smiling and going, yeah, yeah, it is challenging because living an inauthentic life is one that goes against your inner being and soul every single day. And he did that until the age of 40 when he unpacked everything and realized that he was living a life based on the expectations of his family and other people. And then had to dismantle it all gradually, bit by bit, to create a new world, a new life for him, and find a way to provide meaning and purpose in his life. By doing that, he found himself then working in a nonprofit, giving back, doing volunteer work, and he now helps immigrants and refugees with international credentials start their careers and their lives in the USA, just as he did many years prior. It's a great conversation, and it just shows the power of being able to be in control of your life and, and letting go of, I guess, those cords that bind us when it's the expectations of others, and especially when it's the expectations of family. And it can be really, really challenging. So I hope you enjoy this one with Khalil. Hello and welcome. It is another episode of Superheroes Podcast, and I've got a hero with me today. Oh, welcome and thank you for being here, Khalil.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 02:35
Oh, thank you so much. I am so happy, excited, and honored to be here. Thank you for having me.
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Asking for help and trusting that the universe would provide turned out to be as important as taking the next right step, and people showed up for him in ways he did not expect.
This conversation includes a name with many origins, the person in the mirror at 40, growing up in the philippines, learning to follow, work in the family business, the safe trap, a master's degree that wasn't his choice and make-a-wish, finding himself in service.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 02:42
Well, I'm, I'm really honored that you're here with me today. Thank you for being here, and this is about your story and your journey, so I'm gonna ask you to take us back to where began for you.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 02:56
All right. Well, again, first of all, I just really want to express my gratitude for inviting me over. I mean, honestly, I remember when we first had our first conversation, I was like, I don't really know if I'm the type of person that should be here. I mean, I was thinking about the challenges, and it's not like, you know, I've read stories of people who have such amazing things that they've gone through in their lives. Challenges and, you know, that seems like they're like insurmountable. And I'm looking at my challenges and I'm like, I didn't really feel that I had anything that huge. And even the term hero, I mean, I was just like, I kind of struggle with that a bit. But I loved our conversation. I loved how we had that first discussion. And I'm very excited to see how I can share what I've gone through. You know, I was thinking about the challenges and it's not like there was one thing that happened, one catastrophic event that led to this life-changing occurrence. It's more of these little slow events that just, you know, all of a sudden I wake up, I look in the mirror and I'm like, hey, I'm turning 40. And I look at the person in the mirror and I'm like, I don't know this person. I am not happy with this person. And it was just, what's going on? You know, it's like, what's happening? It's just really a lot of these small, slow decisions that do it. And I was thinking back and I was looking at the challenges. And I think if I were to encapsulate in one sentence what my challenge was, was just, it was a challenge to be myself. That was just, it just dawned on me. It's like my whole life I've just been trying to be someone who I wasn't. I was trying to be a son to my parents, a brother to my siblings, an employee to the work, and all these different roles that I had. But it was to please others or to make other people happy or because I think this is the way it should be. There's a lot of shoulds in my life, and that never helped. And so I just reached a point where I'm like, wow, this is who I've turned out to be. I mean, I looked in the mirror, and it was a point where I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I hated looking at myself in pictures. I weighed over 320 pounds. There was a point where I stopped weighing myself because the scale could only go to 320, and I was so afraid of breaking the scale. So it's like, this is it, I stop. And it's not like you gain 100 pounds overnight. Believe me, I've tried, you know. It's like I've eaten so much where it's like I thought I would, I would reach that point. But, uh, it's, it's— for me, it was a lot of simple, slow decisions where I, I felt that I was just kind of fooling myself and pretending And saying, you know what, I'll do this because it makes them happy and that makes me happy too. Or I'll do this because I think it's the right thing to do, but deep down inside I get back and like, hey, this isn't really what I feel. And it's just living a life based on what I thought others should, again, the word should. Living my life based on other people's, other people. You know, I'm not blaming anyone. Absolutely not. Looking back, it's— people have always tried to do their best and help me out. And just because they give their advice doesn't mean I have to take it. I've met many a friend who's like, you know, Khalil, I've got a great way to make money. There's this horse I know, absolutely going to win. I've never been on that horse. Maybe once or twice I have, but you know what I mean? It's like, just because people tell me this is how they believe things should be, doesn't mean that I have to follow it. But for some reason, that's what was happening in my life. I was kind of just living a life of someone else. And it came to a point where I just, I hated who I was. I hated my life. I was not happy. I was not happy at all. And yeah, it's like, I would wake up and it's, it reached a point where I was like, Gosh, you know, I'm waking up. It's like, I kind of wish that I didn't. It's like I just woke up and I'm like, wow, why didn't I just not wake up? That would have been better. And then I'm just like, wow, and I have to go through the day all over again. And each day was just, it wasn't fun. It was, it was just so, for lack of a It's just, ah, that's the word I'd use. It was just so, ah, and it was just so frustrating. And that's kind of how it was. And it took like, what, I think it was at my— I was turning 40, my 39, you know, I was 39 and I was turning 40. And it's like, what's going on? Overweight, single. Not in a job that I enjoyed. Uh, actually, I wasn't working, to be honest. And, and, uh, and more than that, it's just I had no connection. I had no friends. I mean, I had friends, but I wasn't connecting with them. Uh, I disappeared from their lives. I wasn't spending time with family. And it's just, in a world where it's so easy to connect Technology is there, it's so easy to connect. I found ways to isolate myself and it's like I was just— I know it's cliché, but I was just really— I was existing, I wasn't living. And it's just really— it was sad, you know, when I look back, look back at that, you know, this is like what, 6 years ago, 6, 7 years ago. When I look back at myself, I don't know whether to slap him or hug him, you know, just like I look back at myself, it's just It was just so frustrating. And, uh, that's kind of where it was. And I know, I mean, I felt that I was the only one who was going through that. I'm sure other people have probably felt some sense of, uh, some self of, you know, like, was it a midlife crisis? I was turning 40, maybe it was, uh, or just some sort of looking in, you know, some sort of identity crisis or question when, when looking at the mirror isn't fun, uh, it gets pretty tough. It gets, it gets pretty tough. And that's kind of where I was at that point.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 09:48
That's amazing that you've got, that you had that, uh, awakening, that clarity, that kind of moment where you woke up and just went, I don't want to be waking up anymore. What, you know, who am I? Whose life is this really? Uh, and I almost feel that when people have those dark night of the soul moments, that is actually the, the moment of, of opportunity. You know, that's the gift, because you've got a choice, a chance to look at yourself and, and say, yeah, I don't choose this anymore. And obviously, the 6 years since that point, you've, you've made some changes. What I'd love to uncover or learn, Khalil, is more of the backstory. Where did you come from? What were the things that took you on your life path that forced you to live other people's lives? Or what were those key events or people that shaped you?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 10:48
I was born in the Philippines. I always joke, my name is Khalil Bhagat Singh. I was born in the Philippines. My dad is part Indian, part Spanish, and part Filipino. My mom is part Filipino, part German, part British. And, you know, they come together, have me, and they give me a Muslim name, a Muslim-sounding name. So there's kind of a lot of things going on in there, like talk about an identity crisis. I grew up in the Philippines, raised Roman Catholic. There was a lot of religion. Growing up, I think one of my biggest, it started really by living up to the values that I thought were important. Like I grew up in the Philippines, we're very respectful of our elders and following what elders would say. And so a lot of it was really like, you know, my parents were like, this is how life is gonna be. This is what's gonna happen for you. And it's, you know, looking back again, Looking up, I just want to say I'm in no way, shape, or form blaming any of my parents. I know that my parents were just trying to guide me and doing the best they can as parents. And it took me a long time to realize that, you know? And there was actually a lot of anger eventually with that. It's because I kept listening to what I felt people should do, what my parents were telling me. Then when I got to school, it's like the teachers telling me how I need to act. And it's so forth and so on. It's all these, I guess, these older people and elders that were giving me advice and telling me what I should do. I was just good at following instructions. That was my challenge. Like, yes, this is how it should be. And I followed it. I would always, you know, again, I would always be impressed by people who just knew what they wanted. And could be themselves. I've always been in admiration of those people because of that. And so my whole life was that way. I'm like growing up, like even the courses I was supposed to take in college, my dad was like, you know, you have to take a business course. This is what's best for you. This is where the future is, you know, trust me. And I'm like, okay, I did that. Even my master's, it's like, okay, She's like, you got to take your master's, and once you take your master's, do anything that you want. And I'm the eldest of 4 children. I have a brother and 2 sisters, so we're 4. It's like 2 girls and 2 boys. And in the Philippines, my dad, he's an amazing entrepreneur. He didn't graduate college but put up his own company. And I joke because he put up a tech company, and for the, you know, Until this day, he still can't really program his own iPhone, but he has a company. So it's pretty amazing how he was able to do that. And it's pretty impressive. It's a very successful company. And, you know, when I finished college, it's like, no, you're working for me. You're working in the family business. You've got to help out. And there was always that kind of pressure to go into it, not just from my parents, but from from the people around, you know, family, friends, like, oh yeah, that's what you should be doing. And I think that was like the first challenge is doing things, you know, work is such an important part of your day, at least my day, it's like everyone, work is a huge part. And so I really wasn't in an environment that I absolutely loved.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 14:21
So how old Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt. How old were you? Were you still in the Philippines when you did university?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 14:30
Yeah. And so I graduated, I was 20, 21. I think I turned 21 when I graduated college. I went straight to work for the family business.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 14:39
And did you enjoy it?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 14:43
It had its moments. I, part of me was like, I I tried to find the things that I could enjoy. Like, I really loved working with people. I love people. I love connecting with people. That's why I'm so grateful for this opportunity to connect with you. I mean, we're in different continents and we get to share this screen together and have this conversation. And so that's kind of what I enjoyed is getting to know the customers, getting to work with the employees. And helping the people who work with the company grow and develop. Those were the things that I enjoyed. And so I kind of focused on that. But, you know, there was still a part of me that I knew that it wasn't who I was. And I kept trying to make it fit because it's the right thing to do. And so that's kind of what I was doing with the family business.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 15:39
How old were you when you had the recognition that what you were doing, whether that was at school or, you know, something else like the church, how old were you when you realized it wasn't you?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 15:53
That's like I was saying, I believe that it was only when I was hitting 40 when I'm like, you know, this isn't me. I mean, there were moments where I'd say I'm not really too happy, but then I'd catch myself and like, no, I should be grateful. I have this opportunity to do this. Not many people can work in a family business that's pretty successful. Not many people have the opportunity for education. Why am I going to say no, this isn't who I am? Because that just felt like I was ungrateful and selfish. And, and that's kind of the mindset that I had growing up. And the word selfish or wanting to do things for myself was was a bad thing. And I have different thoughts about that now, about what the word selfish is and doing things for yourself. It's totally changed. But it was like that until I think it was, that moment was really when I was 39. That was like the turning point. Right before I hit 40, that's when things changed dramatically for me.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 16:56
So going back to your timeline, Uh, so you worked for the family business. How long were you working for your family business?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 17:07
Too long. No, I, I, you know, I, I was in and out of the family business. I worked on it pretty much until like late 30s. Uh, there were a few gaps in between, uh, but it was pretty much most of my life was there. In, in the family business. And that was pretty much a lot of what I knew, which was one of the challenges when I eventually started wanting to do something on my own, because it's like, I don't know anything else. It's like I felt so different. Uh, so yeah. Okay.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 17:45
A long time. And then you did a master's as well. And you mentioned that the topic of your master's or the theme or the— it was not necessarily yours either?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 17:57
Yes, I took a master's in entrepreneurship and beauty of the course, it was— I love the course. I thought it was great. It was in the Philippines and one of the prerequisites is that people who are going to the course either was running or owning a business and the case study was the business that you would bring into the course. It's great. I mean, it's like practical applications, like your company is the thesis, you know, how you grow the company, how you use the learnings in entrepreneurship to develop the company. And I thought that was brilliant. Interestingly enough, my father actually wanted me to study in the US, but I was the one at that point was like, no, I'm going to do the Philippines this time. And And I used his company as the thesis or the course.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 18:48
Yeah. Yeah. And, and what were the outcomes of that? You said that the case study, you used the, your company is the case study for your thesis. Was there any practical application that was able, you were able to make then in the family business as a result of doing your master's?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 19:06
One of the things we did at the end before graduating was presenting everything that we implemented. The family business. And so there were a number of things. And one of the big jokes around school was my professor, when he did the speech, he was my mentor, my guru in the course, because we each had a guru. And he talked about the impact of the course on the students and used me as an example. He goes, Khalil was one of those people who would say, yes, dad, yes, dad. Yes, Dad. But when he graduated from the course, he would say, but Dad, why don't we try this? And so that was kind of one of the things I kind of developed my own voice and started giving suggestions on how to improve the organization. What I did realize too, later is that, you know, as much as I would put my personality in the company, it's his business. It's his legacy. It's his company. And he had the opportunity to create something impressive. And no matter what I do, it's just building on that. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but it just wasn't who I was. It wasn't me. One of the things that I was doing in parallel to the family business, which I'd like to mention, was I was very involved with a nonprofit in the Philippines. And it was a— is a nonprofit called the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is present all over the world. And one of the things I loved is like, I remember because there was a time where I left for this. When I finished my master's, my dad was like, do whatever you want so long as you finish your master's. I finished my master's in entrepreneurship, like, okay, this is the case study, this is how we're going to help grow the business. And then he allowed me to pursue some of the things that I wanted to do. It's like, okay, now that you've done that, do what you want. And I'm like, I went to the US and I studied creative writing. I was like, okay. I was named, my name Khalil, I was named after Khalil Gibran, who is an author. And so writing has always been a passion of mine, literature. And I went to the US and I was lucky enough to be able to do that. And I studied creative writing. But after a year, I visited the Philippines and my dad was like, hey, Someone resigned. I need help. Can you come back? Never forced me. This is my decision. And I'm like, okay, fine. And again, I went back to the family business.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 21:38
Did you feel, did you feel that you had to because of everything that your dad had given you? Was it that sense of obligation?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 21:47
I mean, yes, it's, it's, he never made me feel that. Not, I made myself feel that. Other people were like, yeah, you know, your dad needs help. And so that's, that's kind of why I went back. And one of the things that was kind of an agreement, I was like, okay, I'll come back. But I'm going to do something also on my own. And I, you know, just ask that you don't deprive me of that. And that's when I joined Make-A-Wish. One of the things that I joined, and I joined Make-A-Wish, and That was one of those amazing experiences. I was active for more than 15 years, and I would say that's kind of what kept me in balance. Working with the family business was where I was able to do my day-to-day, but working with Make-A-Wish was where I was like, I felt most alive. I was working with such amazing people. We weren't paid at all. This is like all volunteering. And I always joke that I remember I joined in, I had a head full of hair and they go, "Kaleo, can you handle fundraising?" And I go, "That's when I lost all of it." Because it's so challenging to raise funds for a nonprofit. But that was, you know, I have to admit that was one of the best times I've ever had working with such amazing people for such a beautiful cause where What we do is we grant wishes of children with life-threatening medical condition. And these wishes are, you know, what helps restore my faith in humanity, just having these magical moments in a life where we lack this magic. And so I was very grateful for that. And that kind of kept me in balance while doing the things with the family business.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 23:34
Did your family see the Make-A-Wish Foundation? Did they have comments about it? Were they supportive? What was that like?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 23:42
At first, my dad was just like, you better make sure you get your work done. I'm like, okay, fair enough, fair enough. But eventually they were all very supportive. My brother, my sister, my mom, my dad, you know, there was a point where even my mom and dad would help sponsor some of the wishes and help out and their friends would help out and eventually—
Aveline Clark (Host) · 24:04
Who was?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 24:05
Oh, my— they'd see that. They see— I think they saw how passionate I was and they saw the impact of the mission and they were very supportive of the whole endeavor. So I'm very truly grateful for them with— for allowing me to do that and for supporting such an amazing cause.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 24:23
Yeah. So that was in the Philippines and you did that for, you said, how long?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 24:28
Almost 15 years.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 24:29
Yeah. Wow.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 24:30
I can spend days talking about the magic. Of Make-A-Wish. It's, it's a truly beautiful organization, and I encourage anyone to just check it out. It's, it's beautiful. It's amazing.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 24:42
Thank you. I will. I, I know of it, of course. Yeah, it's here in Australia as well. So tell me, um, what brought you— so you were working for the family business throughout that period of time, right?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 24:56
Yeah, I was working, and there were times that I kind of try to go my own way, for some reason come back to the family business. And honestly, it became to a point where I just didn't know what else to do. It became— I wasn't forced anymore. It became a safety net for me. It's like, hey, this is what I know, this is what I can do. And I felt that I couldn't do anything else. It's like there was that insecurity to myself, like, I'm getting so old, like, what else can I do? It became a safe place now. Like, this is like, this can give me safety, it gives me financial stability, this can make sure that I'm taken care of. And it transformed into that eventually. And that's kind of how it transitioned from something I kind of hated to now I'm like, now I need it.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 25:45
How did that period of your life come to an end?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 25:49
I really wasn't happy. There was nothing in my life that was working anymore. I left the family business. I'm like, I need to do something. And I didn't know what to do. I had my life savings, what little life savings I had. And I was just like, you know, what good is a life savings if you don't have a life? And I just tried to do whatever I could to make things better. That led me to meditation. That led me to, you know, an internal process. I did a whole bunch of things. I mean, I've spent time in a Buddhist monastery. I've done silent retreats. I've been to an ashram meditating. I have to say I'm fortunate enough to be able to do such wonderful things. And it was more a spiritual pursuit for me. It became a spiritual pursuit because I just wasn't happy.. And I had to try something different. The end of the day, I had to look in the mirror and be happy with who I was. I read so many self-help books, I tried so many different courses on trying to improve myself. But for some reason, it just, it just wouldn't work. And so I just kept searching and searching for that.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 27:03
Sorry for the interruption.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 27:05
This is Ian Westmoreland, the founder of Kintsugi Heroes and and thank you for listening to this story from one of our amazing heroes. Our mission is for these stories to provide hope and inspiration to people experiencing life challenges and to also educate the broader community on how best to provide support. If you would like to help us to continue to produce more hero stories and cover more adversity themes, we would welcome all donations. These can be made via our website, keep it super kintsugiheroes.com.au.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 27:36
The donate function is at the bottom of the home page.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 27:39
We'd also welcome any feedback. You can email me direct using ian@kintsugiheroes.com.au. Now let's get back to the story.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 27:53
Had you read the book, um, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 27:57
I did, I did read that. It was one of the books on the, on my list that I read, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. I've read books like You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. Lots and lots of different books. And I tried it and seeing how it was working and reading the books is one thing and applying them and living them are a totally different thing. And so, yeah, I guess I was just a spiritual seeker trying to figure things out. I was trying to figure out life, to be honest with you. Like, I didn't understand how to live, and so I was trying to figure that out. Like, what's the point of this? Uh, I, I remember because as a kid, I was one of those kids who was a really annoying kid to older people. Like, I would ask like ridiculous questions. I was the type of kid that would go, if God created us, who created God? That was the type of kid I was, and I'm sure that was a hit to a lot of the adults because they couldn't really answer my questions. And so they tell me to just go play with Lego or something. And so that's kind of what I did. And so there was always that yearning, that spiritual search, and that's kind of what I ended up doing, pursuing that path. I started pursuing things that I love. You know, I'm— it's really cool to say, hey, I went to India and meditated in an ashram. It's a cool story. However, I really think the only answer to that, like, if you— if anyone, at least my experience, this is my experience. There's a quote that I've read that if you don't go within, you go without. And I loved it. And it's really a journey inside myself to get to know me. And so, for me, what works is just being alone with yourself. Being alone with myself is what worked, and being able to stand my own company without fidgeting, without needing to do something else. I needed to reach that point. I didn't know it yet, but that's the point I needed. I needed to be able to sit with myself and be happy with myself and and be alone with myself. The one thing about me is I'm a romantic, and romance is such a huge thing. And I was like, I'm turning 40 and I'm not married. I haven't met the love of my life yet. And that was huge for me because I wasn't the type of person that I need to be famous or rich or earn so much. I was like, I, I want love. In all aspects of my life. I want to meet that one person. I want to be able to live that romance. If my life was a movie, it'd be a romantic comedy. And so I'd want that romance and be able to connect. I didn't realize I would never be able to have that if I didn't love myself. Absolutely no way anyone else can love me if I did not love myself. And so all this is really a process or a journey towards self-love. That's my journey, is figuring out how to love myself. And it blows my mind how that's a journey. I mean, for me, that's a journey. Like, if there's anything I would think that should be taught is people should know how to love themselves. People ought to be taught that, you know, at a young age. Can you imagine? Like two, just two kids, one raised in love, one raised in a different environment that's not loving, it's, you know, the child with love probably have a better upbringing or grow up better. And so with me, it was that. It was just how do I love myself? How do I do that? It's like, wow. That was the journey. And it was tough. I mean, it was so tough. Like, how does one love themselves? So that was kind of the journey that I went on eventually, looking back.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 32:05
So Kahlil, tell me then, or I hope you can share this with me, what was your upbringing like in terms of the family unit and the example your parents set for you around love?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 32:21
I would answer it this way. My parents loved me the best way they could. That's how I would answer it. I mean, I'm not—
Aveline Clark (Host) · 32:32
No judgment. I totally understand. So it seems this is so— The reason I ask is because I hear this and I see it in my friends and other people I've spoken to. They've not been shown how to love themselves. Because their parents didn't know how to love themselves. So how do you know how to love yourself if it was never demonstrated to you?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 32:55
Makes sense. And why do, let's say our parents, why don't they know how to teach love? Maybe they weren't taught how to love. It's like, it becomes a cycle. It becomes a cycle that just passes on, you know. If they aren't, what they're taught is what they teach. If there's, I read this book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, which I think is just one of the most absolute, I think every person should read it. And one of the things she talks about is how we just treat our parents like gods. And our parents are like gods because that's how we grew up and they could do no wrong. And that's kind of where some of the challenges are, because really our parents are just people who are doing the best they can. It can be tough for them. And so one of the things she says in her book is to ask your parents what their childhood was like. And when I talked to my parents about that, it just— wow, it gave me some really fascinating insight.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 34:01
It really does. And when you can see your parents as people rather than gods, remove the God filter and then see them as human beings having a human experience, doing the best they can, then we shift the paradigm, don't we, or the lens with which we see our parents.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 34:20
And the biggest transformation for me in my relationship with my parents is when I started to look at everything through the lens of gratitude, I think gratitude is one of the best things ever, ever. Like, just being grateful just changes the way life is for me. There was a time where I have to admit I had to go through it. I was such a— I was pretty challenging to deal with. I was not the best son. I was not the best brother. I was not the best employee. I was tough. I wasn't the best friend, wasn't the best boyfriend. I was doing the best I could do, just like everyone else was doing the best they could. I was doing the best I could. And it was when I started to look at all the things that my parents did for me instead of all the things that they didn't. I love to play that blame game. It's, oh, it's this person's fault. It's that person's fault. It's, I'm this way because so-and-so made me. And now I just look at everything that they did give me. And it's like, that's what I'm grateful for. Like, I would say my dad gave me, you know, the intelligence, the pursuit, the dedication, the persistence. I remember when he talked about what he— how he put up his company, he said there were 3 things that— remember him saying this— there are 3 things he had when he put up his company. He said he had guts, imagination, and an overabundant sense of optimism. I always remember that. It's like, wow. Interestingly enough, he's the more intelligent one. And my mom, they're kind of like opposites. My mom is like the super romantic one. She's the sweet, sentimental type. She's the type that gives gifts with meaning. My dad's the type that gives gifts that are like, oh, this is practical. This is useful. And so I get the best of both worlds. Well, growing up, I kind of looked at like I was getting the worst of both worlds, but that was not on them. That was on me. And once I started changing that, I've just been so grateful for everything that I've had. And it's, wow, monumentally changed my relationship with my parents. Like right now, my mom's visiting from the Philippines. She's here in the US. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy she's here. Get to hang out and have fun. And even when I talk to my dad, I remember before it's usually just all about business. Now it's like, hey, I'm talking to my dad and having like a father-son conversation. I love it. And he's interested about the things that I'm doing now, which is just— I'm just so grateful. And so those are some of the things that have changed throughout that is just that lens of gratitude. Has changed everything. One of the biggest things that has helped me in life.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 37:13
We started the conversation talking about your dark night of the soul, you know, waking up 320 pounds, not wanting to wake up, not liking who you were in the mirror. Was that when you were in the Philippines?
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 37:28
I was trying to go towards things that I was passionate about. I was trying to rediscover, hey, what makes me happy? What are things that bring me joy? And one of the things that brought me joy, you wouldn't believe it, is I fell in love with improv comedy. It's like improv, not improv comedy, it was improv. And I just loved it. I remember watching it. I was here in the US. I watched the show and I was like, wow, this is amazing. And I remember going to the Philippines, getting back home, I was like, "I need to do this." There was like this overwhelming desire to do it. And it's one of those things I couldn't sleep at night because it's like, "Hey, improv, improv," you know? It was like on my mind. And I texted, I remember texting my friend at like 1 AM, I'm like, "Hey, I don't know about the improv scene here in the Philippines." Do you know anyone? Can you please introduce me? Of course, you know, there's Google, which I could have just done, but of course I go through a friend and go, hey, can you introduce me? And he introduced me to someone. And I attended a show in the Philippines. And I was like, this is just amazing. I loved it. And one of the teachings of improv is saying yes and. When someone says something, you say yes and you build upon it. And I've always loved that. It's about making things, combining things and making things better, or combining things and coming up with something you never thought possible. Because when two people come together, it's just this collective power that can lead to such amazing things. And that's what I learned from improv is like saying yes. And one of the great improv teachers had this saying. He said that saying no gives you safety. But saying yes gives you adventure. And so I started getting to the point where I started to say yes to things because I just, I was playing it safe most of the time. And now I was like saying yes because I wanted to get on more adventure. And that's what improv brought me. And it went from, hey, there was a class in the Philippines. I took all the classes I could. Then someone goes, hey, why don't you take class in Singapore? And I went to Singapore. Eventually I met someone who was like, hey, why don't you take a class in San Francisco since you kind of grew up in San Francisco? And I ended up going to San Francisco. One of the, one of the things that I was doing was that, is improv. And so, uh, that's a long way of answering your question that I was in San Francisco when that happened.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 40:03
That's fascinating. What a journey you've been on, really. And you've shared with me a lot of these challenges which might seem on the surface to be so simple, but they're actually really, really deep and really tricky because they are the things that weave throughout our whole life, right? And they are the things that shape us and make us who we are. And you've just shared how you've spent your whole life living it for other people and being this good son doing the right things. Thank goodness you woke up that day in San Francisco looking in the mirror and saying, no thanks. Maybe you were saying yes to something else. That started your journey of self-discovery and self-love.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 40:54
I have to admit, one of the things that really also prompted me was, told you I was a romantic. And I was kind of dating someone at the time. Like, we didn't last long. Like, it was quick, but I was like— and it came to a point like, again, I'm screwing this up again. And I can't keep doing this. I can't keep screwing up my life. You know, what do I want most? And I want to be in a relationship. I want to be in a partnership. I want to be waking up going, hey, I'm excited to live the day and go through each day. Loving what I'm doing, uh, and it— that's kind of what I wanted to do. And, and so yeah, just that, that wake-up call is just like— it's so tough. It's like, yeah, like, I, I just wanted to be in a space where I was doing what I love. And yeah, it was tough.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 41:51
Good on you for, for choosing the tough path. It could have been easy to opt out and stay in the alternative.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 42:02
I mean, thank you. Thank you so much for saying that. I'm pretty shocked when I think about the tough choices. Loving yourself. It just didn't feel right to love myself. Like, it felt so wrong because it's like the whole time I was Like even in college, the motto of one of the schools, the school I went to, was like, a man for others, being a man for others. It's like, great, but what about yourself? What about you? Like, what if you're not happy? How can you give happiness to others? It's like that joke, you know, even on the plane, they're like, put your oxygen mask first before giving something to anyone else. That's what they say in the plane. And it's the same thing with life. I can't give what I don't have. If I don't love myself, I cannot love anyone else. If I don't have any money, how can I help the less fortunate, for those who don't have any? If I don't have any joy in my life, how can I give it to someone else? And so it really was that, like, how do I find that in me? How do I get to that point where I can be able to share it with other people? And that's kind of how it started and started pursuing. Just, I mean, it really was just take the next right step. Yeah, they— instead of trying to figure everything out, take the next right step and see where it takes you. And one of the things too that I, I needed to, to do was I— first of all, I had to stop lying to myself. That's, I think, the biggest thing. It's like, stop pretending I'm happy when I'm not. Stop pretending this is what I want to do when it's not. Stop saying, you know what, having pants that have ties that are stretchy are the way to go. No, it's not always that way. And I needed to come to terms like, this is not the life I want. And then comes, for me, it's like, so what is it I wanted? You know, what did I want? What do I want to do? And that's also a scary question because it means if you say, this is what I want to do, Then like, I got to start doing it. And that can be scary too because it's like, I'm like in my— like I was turning 40. Like I had no idea how to do anything else. Like, how will I know? Like dating in your 40s is different. Like how am I going to find employment with the background that I have? All these different questions of things that had no answer. And it's tough because when there's that uncertainty, Uncertainty has so much fear, at least for me. Well, I don't know how the next thing is going to be. It freaks me out and I'm scared. You know, it's— it's stop kidding myself, stop lying to myself, be truthful and just pursue that. And, and I needed to, you know, I learned that I needed to trust in more than just me. I needed to trust in God, the universe, higher power, whatever you want to call it. I needed to let go and just trust that everything's going to be okay. Because my whole life, it was, you know, looking back. I love quotes. I think, you know, Avalee, one of the things I've been saying is I really, I've been quoting a lot. One of the quotes that has stood out with me is, you survived 100% of your worst days. And so I kind of have, and I hold on to that. And it's just like, somehow it's always going to work out. I just have to hold on to that feeling that it will work out and just trust in it. And another thing that I was taught was when making a request or when saying a prayer, only 3 answers to any prayer anyone can give. This is what I was taught. I want to share this with, with you. So the first answer is yes. Like, when I pray for something, the answer is yes. The second answer is not yet. And the third answer is there's something better. Just wait, there's something better. And so when things don't work out the way that I plan— and this is kind of like improv, it's like when things don't work out, just say yes and build upon it. Or say, you know what, plot twist, let's see where this takes me next. And just build upon that. I mean, if there's one thing the pandemic has taught us, it's like whatever plans most people had, like whoops. This is one of those jokes wherein someone once said, I think it was Woody Allen, he goes, you want to make God laugh, tell God your plans.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 46:40
That's right.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 46:41
And so, and so yeah, it's just taking what, what comes and just growing with it and, and knowing that everything's going to work out and have that trust. And asking for help. You know, there's the one thing I've also learned is the world is a beautiful place if you know where to look. There's so many helpers out there, so many people willing to support. Those are the real heroes, those people who help when you least expect it. And I've kind of, I've encountered that so many times in different people who have come in my life just when I needed them. And help me. And that was so, so important. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude for each and every person who has offered their help in their own little way. And it's there. I mean, it's really there. I know sometimes it feels like there's no one else or no support. And those are the times where that's when letting go and trusting is really important. And it's just growing up, it's tough. It's like, hey, I was growing up and I needed support and I wasn't getting it. So I had to learn to develop, you know, I had to go my own way, learn to build the strength and not rely on anyone. And really, I mean, we live in a world with billions of people and that's why, you know, I feel that we're here to help each other in some way or another. So there is that help. And I had to swallow my pride and just trust and say, hey, you know, I need that help. And people have showed up. And I, in turn, would love to help out however I can. And that's kind of what I've been trying to do with my life now is really just be of service and help in whatever way I can and do so. I came up with like a dream life, like what's the dream life for me? Like what are things that I want to do? And, you know, one of the important things is love. Like, love is at the center. And, you know, just recently I celebrated my 2-year anniversary with my now partner, and I'm super happy. I love that I'm married with a partner, and it's fun to share your life with someone. I mean, I love it. It's great. And I'm doing, you know, I'm in a job. That I love. You know, since my partner is in the US, I moved to the US and gone through the whole immigration process of how to transfer from the Philippines to the US. And I now work with an organization called Upwardly Global. And what we do is we help immigrants and refugees kickstart their career here in the US. And so, on a daily basis, I'm like a job coach where I help other immigrants such as myself go through the job search process and end up in a job that they love. So, every day I get to meet people from all over the world and help them get a job that excites them, that makes them feel alive and makes them happy. That's amazing. Like, this is one of those things like, 4 years ago, 6 years ago, like, where's my— where is it going to be? I would never have imagined this, uh, I would be in this type of a job. But I trusted and I just took the next step, and here I am, and I'm absolutely loving it. I think it's fantastic. I'm so grateful to be in such a wonderful organization doing such amazing things. And each day now is— I'm just very grateful and very happy. Uh, that's where I'm at today.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 50:31
That's really beautiful, Khalil. And, um, I just want to acknowledge or sort of reframe, reflect back that you're in a job doing the work that you've actually healed or learned from in your own journey. You're giving back what you actually had to learn on your own. Yeah, and that's a really lovely gift, you know, when you trust in the flow of life And you're able to show up. Life gives you these opportunities and here you are. It's just beautiful. Really lovely. I'm very happy for you.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 51:06
Thank you so much. I'm very happy too. I remember when I applied for the job, I said that there's one moment, there's this one moment in life that I love more than anything. And it's that moment where the dream and the dreamer become one. I love that. No, in Make-A-Wish, I was kind of doing that, helping these children grant— granting their wishes. And now that's kind of what I do on a daily basis is help people get the job, dream job that they want. And so I'm helping people get their dream. And that's like my dream is to help others. And so I'm so grateful because so many other people have helped me get to this place. And now I get to give back. And I get to support other people. So my heart's full of gratitude, uh, that I'm in this point now.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 51:58
That's wonderful. And of course you're sharing your story here today, which is part of giving back. Um, and I want to thank you for that. You've given me a lot, or given us a lot of insights and reflections and learning from this incredible journey to finding and loving yourself. Is Is there something else that you might want to share with anyone listening who identifies with the challenges that you went through? Uh, if someone's listening to this podcast now who's like, oh my gosh, I feel like I'm not myself, I'm living my life for other people, or, you know, all the things that you went through, is there anything you'd like to share with them? Any piece of nugget or anything else? Because you've given a lot already.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 52:43
Just take the next right step. Just take the next right step and, you know, everything is going to be okay. If you need help, ask for it. Those are the things. I mean, feel free to reach out to me. I'd love, you know, I'm always open to making new friends. I remember one of the goals I've had is to make a friend in every country. So if anyone wants to reach out, I'd be more than happy and just, just Just do, just, just when in doubt, sorry, this is a long winded, when in doubt, ask yourself, what would love do? Just act out of love. That's really the only message I would suggest is just do what you love.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 53:25
Thank you. And for those who are listening to the audio, they can't, and you can't see the video. Khalil has the most incredible smile and he's just radiating joy and gratitude and love. And he just makes me want to reach through the screen and give him a hug. Kahlil, thank you so much. I really appreciate you being here today. I'm— yeah, I am grateful for you and for sharing what is a really powerful and important story.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 53:53
Aveline, thank you so much for having me. I'm so grateful to be here. Thank you. Thank you.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 54:03
We hope you've enjoyed this episode of Kintsugi Heroes. Please like and share the show to your friends so we can get this out to even more people. If you have a story you'd like to share with us, please reach out using the contact details below. And join us next week for our next Heroes story. Until then, keep being you, and remember that we are all heroes in our own unique way.
Kahlil Bagatsing (Guest) · 54:30
Only when it's broken Only when it's broken. When it hits you in the middle of the night and the truth burns so bright. Only when it's broken. Only when it's broken. Take pride in those cries. It's only for tonight, and then you rise. Only when you're broken. Only when you're broken. Only when you're broken.
You don't have to be in crisis to call.
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