Josie Parata · 53 min
A single mother of four who fled domestic violence while pregnant, lived in a women's refuge, survived a terminal cancer diagnosis, and went on to found a not-for-profit supporting victims of domestic violence, homelessness, and addiction, Josie Parata's story is proof that the deepest wounds can become the greatest gifts to others.
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Josie Parata grew up in a home where domestic violence was normal, which meant when her own marriage began with name-calling, financial control, and aggression on the first night they met, she didn't recognize it as a warning. She thought this was what all relationships looked like. For years, she learned to walk on eggshells, waiting for the honeymoon phase after each explosion, when apologies and gifts would come. She had four children while trapped in this cycle, telling herself things would improve.
The turning point came when she found her eight-year-old son in his bedroom with a belt around his neck. That moment broke through the fog that trauma creates, and she reached out to her church for help. They connected her with a women's refuge, and in that space of safety, she began to see clearly: what she was living through was not normal, and her children were being harmed whether they witnessed the violence directly or not. She discovered that domestic violence isn't only physical. Financial control, verbal abuse, and emotional manipulation leave scars that last far longer than bruises.
From the refuge, Josie went on to found SMS Lighthouse, an organization supporting single mothers and children escaping domestic violence. She learned what these families actually needed: not handouts, but hand-ups; not bundles of documents to fill out alone, but someone to sit beside them through the practical steps. Her eldest son, once told he was hopeless, found his voice and joy once the eggshells were gone. He excelled at rugby and became a different child. Josie now helps other families see the pathway forward, one step at a time.
⚠️ Content advisory: this episode discusses domestic & family violence, which some listeners may find distressing.
If you need support, you're not alone. Help is available: • 1800RESPECT (family, domestic & sexual violence): 1800 737 732 · 1800respect.org.au
“Mommy I just want to go back to God”
“I thought this was normal and I thought that this is every marriage.”
“I did not want to just be in a victim and poverty mentality that relied on the help of everybody else.”
The hero, today
Domestic violence is not only physical: financial control, verbal abuse, and isolation all count, and the emotional scars last longer than bruises. When you are in trauma, a fog settles over everything, and you cannot see pathways forward unless someone sits beside you and helps you through the practical steps. Children know what is happening even when you send them to their rooms; staying in an unsafe situation affects them whether or not they witness the violence directly. Speaking what you want to happen, even when it seems impossible, shifts your mind from the circumstance to the possibility, and that shift opens doors. If you are stuck in any kind of trauma, swallow your pride and reach out to professional services; people who have walked that path before you can show you the way through.
Yes. Josie Parata is a real person who shared their own story in their own words. Kintsugi Heroes is a not-for-profit that shares first-person stories of overcoming adversity, told with the person's consent.
Kintsugi Heroes, a registered Australian not-for-profit. Every story is shared with the hero's own consent and reviewed under Kintsugi Heroes' trauma-informed content standard before it goes public.
Domestic violence is not only physical: financial control, verbal abuse, and isolation all count, and the emotional scars last longer than bruises.
When you are in trauma, a fog settles over everything, and you cannot see pathways forward unless someone sits beside you and helps you through the practical steps.
Children know what is happening even when you send them to their rooms; staying in an unsafe situation affects them whether or not they witness the violence directly.
Speaking what you want to happen, even when it seems impossible, shifts your mind from the circumstance to the possibility, and that shift opens doors.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 00:07
Welcome to the Kintsugi Heroes podcast, where we share inspirational stories of everyday people going through different challenges and how they overcome them. Please be aware that the story you're about to hear may have moments of deeply felt emotions and personal experiences. If anything you hear has a triggering effect please reach out to someone who can help keep you safe. If you love this conversation, we'd love you to like and share it with your friends so we can continue to share more inspiration and hope to as many people as possible. Now listen up for our next hero's story. This episode with Josie Pirata is beautiful. Why? Because Throughout all of her telling her story, she just had this smile and she radiated this joy and gratitude at life. You know, being a mother of 4 children and going through domestic violence and then hearing her account of how she got out of that and then took steps to reclaim her own power and move forward in her life was just really inspirational, really heartwarming. And what she's done since then, with regards to giving back to others through her pain is really awesome, you know. But the organization she's founded to help people in the community and help other women who are suffering from domestic violence as well— she's a leader, she's a light, and she's a beautiful person. It's a lovely story, and I know you're going to enjoy it. This is Josie Pirata. Hello, here we are. It is another episode of Kintsugi Heroes, and I'm here with Josie Parata today. How are you, Josie?
Josie Parata (Guest) · 02:06
I'm great, thank you. Yeah, awesome.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 02:09
Wonderful to hear. And I'm really grateful and excited that you're here. I mean, I'm really looking forward to your story. So first of all, thank you for you know, putting your hand up to come along and share your story. It's not always easy for people to do that, and yet the impact it makes is really huge. So I just want to honor you for that and thank you for being here.
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This conversation includes who josie is now, how domestic violence shaped her childhood, the cycle that kept her trapped, her son at the bunk bed, the refuge as a turning point and what she saw other services were missing.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 02:31
Oh no, my pleasure. I just— if one person catches something that helps them along the way, then tick, tick, we're good.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 02:38
Yeah, beautiful. And I'm sure they will— that, that's exactly what will happen. Well, how about we get started? This is about you. This is your story. Take us back to the beginning. Where does your story begin? And take us through the journey.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 02:54
Oh, okay. Where, where to begin? Well, first of all, I suppose I'll just start off with the fact that I am, I am a single mom of 4 children, uh, between 26 and 16. I live in Sydney, Australia. I am the founder and CEO of a crisis organization. I am an apostle to a faith gathering, and so, which is a Christian service that, uh, we lean toward miracles, signs, and wonders. That's my thing. Um, but look, my life, my life has a huge span of many traumas in it. Um, I would say, well, people would say unfortunately, but, um, as we go in this interview now, you'll start to see that actually I am actually grateful for the traumas that I have encountered because of who it's created me to be in today's, um, life. And so Walking through, you know, traumas in life and the many that I have had to face and contend with and walk through, um, yeah, there's, there's a, a, a, a huge amount of, uh, a list of them. But, you know, because for the sake of the time limit and, and where we're going in this context, um, I'll, I'll do a quick little, you know, um, scenarios of, of what, but then lean toward one specific in this interview because I've learned as the journeys and all the traumas have, have that I've been confronted with, um, have, have taken me to spaces of learning the same keys, uh, when I face something that's going to help me out the other side. But I, I feel to kind of very quickly just sort of say some of the journeys only because it could really allow somebody that's in one of these journeys to go, wait, that's me, if, if, you know, if she can, I can sort of thing. So So long story short, basically, um, starting out, I escaped— I was born in New Zealand, escaped domestic violence out of my childhood, brought up in a home of domestic violence, uh, then came to Australia at the age of 18, found myself unfortunately in a same-same marriage, domestic violence and verbal and, um, control, verbal abuse and control. Uh, I, I escaped that marriage pregnant with my fourth child on the way, ended up in a women's refuge. I was homeless for a period. Uh, I've also walked in a stage 4 breast cancer journey where I was told that I would not survive, that I would have to— that I should be writing my will and spending time with my children because there was nothing that oncology could do for me to get me through. And but it was basically live the, the, this next year the best you can. Um, and then I currently now sit in a zone of metastasis brain cancer So, um, but again, you'll see as we go into this interview where we are. But that's my title. Apparently I have, you know, brain cancer. But, um, you know, whatever, all good. So, but for the context of this interview and just those little bits of stuff that I have walked through, I've recognized that as I've gone through scenarios, it's the same keys to go through each and every trauma that I have had to face. And so leaning toward— in this interview, I feel to lean toward the scenario of escaping domestic violence, um, because I know unfortunately we are in a space where I know that happens and it's there and it's not acknowledged in some places. So there you go, that's literally who I am starting out with, but get ready for where we're about to go.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 06:32
For the sake of, you know, time and allowing you the space to go into the space you want to go, I won't comment on what you've just said. Thank you for being really open, you know, and sharing that. Take us through where you want to— where you want to go now in terms of this adversity, event, or challenge.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 06:51
Sure, sure. Um, I suppose what I want to lean in to start off with was the first comment of me being brought up in a home of domestic violence. Um, and so does domestic violence impact children? 100%, it impacts children. And I really didn't recognize or understand this until I found myself in my own situation with my own children. And, um, but I also have learned now, looking back, How it affected me as a child is when I found myself again in the same scenario that I— that my mum was in, um, I unfortunately had a space in my mind where I thought when it started, when the verbal abuse and the control started and the narratives around what I could and can't do and who I can hang with and blah blah blah, all these controls that, to be honest, because I'd seen it in my upbringing, I actually thought this was normal. And I thought that this is every marriage, and, um, I'm to submit to my husband, and you know, all that. Um, and so when we had blow-up moments in my marriage, because that was kind of a consistent thing that would often happen— and I understand now there is what's called a cycle of violence And there are things where you're in a, you know, you're walking on eggshells, you're in a honeymoon stage. After the blowup, there's normally a bit of a, a stage, it's a honeymoon stage. It's like, I'm sorry, didn't mean to do that. That will never happen again. And, and then, you know, and it's the be— it's a beautiful stage. And so unfortunately I recognized over the years that I would always look forward to the honeymoon stage, but I didn't know it was called a honeymoon stage until I actually got out. But that was the stage that overrode my thinking because it was always a great stage, you know. It was the meal, like, let's go out, you know, it was the pampers, it was the gifts, it was the whatever. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it will never happen again. And then, and then it was like a beautiful, fun, whatever space, and, you know, I felt loved and felt wanted. But then, you know, as time, whatever, went on, here we go now, we're on the eggshells. I'm walking around, I don't want to, you know, cause it, whatever, and, and allow an explosion to happen. And so When I recognized what this all was and I learned about it, I, I remember it in my childhood. And so yes, did it affect children? Does it affect children? Yes, it does. It, it affected me as a young child to think that when I became an adult and I saw it, this is normal. It is not normal. And then when I had my own children, it was very much in a space of, okay, here comes the explosion. I could see it about to happen. And there was a sending to the bedroom, go to the bedroom, just, just go, go. And I was putting away, but of course they could hear everything and they could, you know, hear the thumps, hear the whatevers. And so, but I thought again, oh, they're out of sight, out of mind. So, you know, they're good. But in actual fact, they weren't. And unfortunately, because I'm going to go to a raw moment, um, my eldest son at the time, who was only 8 years old, Um, so I, I had, uh, I was— I had 3 children at the end of this, the wake-up call, and recognizing that actually what I was sitting in was not normal. Um, I— we had a scenario where unfortunately relationship with, with Dad and my oldest was not the greatest, uh, and he was consistently told he was hopeless, he was fat, he was ugly, he was not going to make it in life. So the words that were spoken over his life was you know, hammering him to a place of no confidence and just a retrieval, and he like retreating, and he was not great around adults, he was shy, all that. But, but what happened in my, my changing of the tide moment was, um, unfortunate, but now I look at it and go, gosh, thank God that that did happen. But, um, every time a blowup would happen, if it was between him and his dad, I'd say, just go to your room, go to your room, and I'd send him away. And then I'd go back and I'd chat with him and say, look, it's not you, don't— it's not you. And I'd speak in encouragement and whatever over him. But this one moment, I did not realize how much the comments and the, the stuff that was going on in his life was impacting him. That this moment I stepped into the bedroom, um, he had a bunk bed, and, um, I actually found him, uh, so the bunk had these knobs at the end of each corner, and on the right, this side here coming in, um, to the room, he had managed to put a belt around the top of that knob, and he was— he put it around his neck, and he was facing out. So once it had come around his neck and he— and it was here, I mean, I, I tried to lift him to pull it over the knob and I couldn't get it. And I called out to his father and made some comment that it was all attention and he wasn't coming. But I praise God now, looking back, but somehow, some way, I, I got a massive strength and I pushed him up and he, he dropped down and, and he just looked up at me with these little eyes and he just said, 'Mummy.' I just want to go back to God because I had started going to church. And so my kids were learning because that was like my retreat was going into a church on a Sunday. It allowed me to put the kids in kids' church and I could just sit at the back. And so, but also they were learning about some stuff and, and he just said, I just want to go back to God, you know, and that, that was my wake-up call that if I didn't get out of the space, and I was pregnant with my fourth child, that I was in fear of what, you know, what that child might have to walk through as well. So I praise God that the church I was in, I opened up, because I have to say that, oh, it's, it can be embarrassing. We can be full of pride and we don't want to tell people what's going on behind closed doors. And so I, I, I did open up to, uh, some pastors at the church. And one thing I have to say too, that I'm grateful now all these years later um, is, is hearing that they actually, you know, didn't say, well, you know, wife submit to your husband and, you know, do whatever, blah blah blah. But they basically said, you need to go down and speak to these guys down here. And it was a local refuge in my area. And so I was referred into this refuge, and it was my saving grace. It was our space of safety because the pride did step in, and I did kind of go, oh, refuge, because I'd seen these movies and seen, you know, bunk beds and people all over the place. I don't want go there. And but anyway, I thought, I'm gonna go meet them. And I met them, and they showed us this amazing, you know, uh, unit, uh, room. And we had our own space. And I thought, right, okay, I can do this. Because see, I'm here in Australia. I'm from New Zealand, and all my family were in New Zealand, uh, but I had come from it. So I didn't want to— I didn't feel I'm going to run back to that because I need to run away from it. So I went into the refuge, and honestly, it was in that space that I really found refuge. It was a space of safety. It was a space of waking up to the situation and recognizing that actually what we were sitting in was not okay. My son, you know, was able to open up his eyes and just get some respite in that space because we weren't now walking on eggshells. And, um, I now work in the field of domestic violence, but I, I, I've learned and I've heard that to be honest, people in a— these kind of trauma spaces trying to break free from abuse and, and domestic violence. I mean, like, we— I, I used to think domestic violence is violence only, but now the umbrella of domestic violence actually covers, you know, um, financial control, verbal, emotional abuse, you know. And I've recognized over the years too now that Actually, the, the clients that I have come into my space that are coming out of physical and those that are coming out of verbal and emotional, those clients, they're, they're verbal and emotional, are so much harder to move forward than it is for those that are coming out of the physical. I know that sounds a bit warped, but the bruises fade, they go away. Um, but when they, uh, emotionally and, you know, um, been controlled, it's now a, a knowing, it's now a learned behavior that we've got to deal with and break out of. So anyway, I found myself in that refuge, and it was in that space— I remember one night I had my head— we had a double bed, a queen base, um, and it was me and one of my kids, and then I had a single bed, um, a bunk bed on top, and then I had a portacot. And so, um, the kids were all asleep this one night, and I remember I was crying into my pillow. And I was, you know, because I'm a Christian now, so I'm like just going, God, like, is this my lot? Is this, you know, here I'm pregnant with my fourth, like, is this me? It's like, what have I got? Like, um, and honestly, as clear as day, it was a clear, clear voice. And all I heard, I feel like, in my heart and my spirit was that, um, no, I've got your back, but do everything that you need to do now to move forward because I will use you in what the future looks like. And I was like, okay, just do everything that I can do. And I have to say, you know, the refuge was absolute amazing space. It really— it got us out of that not so great scenario, but it really did help us to, um, uh, to breathe. It helped us to see that there was a way forward. It helped us to learn that actually what we were sitting in was not okay. Uh, but I have to say, there was because I'm now sitting in the title of single mum and I'm homeless because we're at a refuge. We've got nowhere to live. We've got no furniture, no nothing. But I started to see gaps specifically in my community on the Northern Beaches as to what was there for single parents to get supported. What I started to see very clearly, unfortunately, was services that gave handouts, not hand-ups. I mean, I had single mums telling me go here, go there, you'll get XYZ, you know, just say this, Jase, just say that, blah blah blah. But I had this conviction that I wanted to— I wanted to get up and out of our situation. I did not want to just be in a victim and poverty mentality that relied on the help of everybody else. And so I'm grateful that I saw all that, because then it was in that space that I believe, um, that what needed to be created was a service that came in, like, came in partnership with these ones that were doing XYZ. But I created a service at the time, it was called SMS Lighthouse, so Single Mum Support, um, and it was specifically for doing the things that other services were not doing. And I, I was big on hand-ups, not handouts, and we were about equipping mums and children to move forward. And, um, because I believe that specifically mums, we, you know, if we sit in a victim and poverty mentality, what we sit in, what we talk about, what we think about, it actually does go down to our kids. And I didn't want, because I was learning, to teach my kids that, you know, yep, basically crap happens, stuff happens, but we're gonna build a bridge and we're going to get over it. And we're going to live life well. And that's sort of what SMS Lighthouse was formatted as. And, uh, because I, I think too, um, when you're in any type of crisis, you get what I believe— I don't even know if it's a— I don't know if it's a counseling term, whatever— but I, I, I had what I call crisis mentality. And there was a fogginess that came upon me. And, you know, I'm quite learned. I, I kind of know stuff. But it was like, because I was in this trauma, the fog came over and I struggled in times to see how I could move forward. I struggled in seeing pathways. And so that's what I saw in my space. And I thought, right, I remember thinking, I wish I had one person that would just sit with me because I got given bundles of documents, fill these out for them, Centrelink, housing, court, blah, blah, blah. And I, but my mind was in a fog that I was like, how do I do this? And so because I didn't get that support, that's what we are at Lighthouse. We are— oh yeah, that's what we are. We are very much about, okay, let's sit beside you. We will do the writing, we will do that, we'll ask the questions, you just answer. And so we do all the documentation, and you know, because we want to bring them out of the fogginess, because I know what that feels like. And I, and I've recognized now in all these scenarios there is a, a traumatic fogginess in in lots of scenarios. It's not just domestic violence because of all the other things I've walked through, that a fogginess comes because we're so blinded to what we've been diagnosed with, to what we can see in our faces as to what the circumstance is, that if we just— this is a key that I want to give— that while we're in a traumatic situation, even though the stuff is going on here, we don't lift our heads up and start to see the other side of the trauma, then we will be stuck in this space and it's quite hard to come out. But we need to look above and, and recognize that actually I'm not the first one in this journey. Probably somebody else has done it before me, and probably they've come through the other side. So if someone else can come out the other side, then so can I.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 20:51
Thank you so much, Josie. I've got a few questions. I'd love to— if you could take us back to your domestic violence, I guess, the situation. Like, yes, when it— when it's— tell me, like, when, when it starts, from when it started through to when you left. Like, what did that look like? What was your daily life? How did you feel? And then, yeah, just take me through that. Please, if that's okay.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 21:17
So yeah, I'm embarrassed to say that actually looking back, it started literally from our first get-together. Um, and yeah, there was just feelings of— we hung out. I mean, so, um, I'm in Sydney, Northern Beaches, and, um, uh, I was 20 2 years old, I think it was about. Um, and I was in that party scene, going out clubbing and everything. And, um, and my husband actually was a bouncer at one of the local clubs. And so, uh, on that first meeting, we— after the night, well, the club closed, you know, we, we hung out a bit. And there was just comments that were made that made me feel a little bit like, um I don't know, like there was name-calling, um, and but I kind of brushed it. Um, there was just some controls around. So we went, we did go back to, because it was a gathering, a get-together at, at him and his flatmate's place. So there was a few of us all went back, but there was just things around. Um, I think I picked up because he was into bodybuilding and stuff, so I picked up these bodybuilding magazines and I was flicking through them and it was an aggressive grab and don't you touch them. And, and, you know, was quite, quite upset at the fact that I picked up. And anyway, and so, do you know, do you think that that would have been my, oh, don't like this guy? But no, um, it, it— so, so there was these things then, but I kind of just, I don't know, I, I pushed over them. And then as we started then dating, there was just control signs around money where, uh, whenever we'd go somewhere, um, there was always a— he would step back and I would pay for everything. But, um, yeah, I don't know. But I think because I, I now know looking back that I grew up at— I was the eldest of 4 children, and so I mothered, I think, my children when my, my parents were in the space all the time I mothered my children, uh, my, my, my siblings. And, um, and so I think when there was the money thing that would always happen and I would pay for everything, that it was like, oh no, no, no, it's okay, you know, like I, I can do this. And, and I, I think now looking back, I, I, I had what I now recognize as being, you know, the rescuer because I rescued my siblings away from all the stuff all the time. And, um, and I wanted to make sure everything was okay, and I would smooth things over. So anytime, you know, he would say— and if I disagreed, there would be a blow-up. And so it would— I'd learned to kind of just— whatever, whatever was to be was to be. And there was the moments where I did stand up to some stuff, and yeah, there was just, uh, verbal repercussions. Um, and so I think I just learned then in our relationship to actually walk on eggshells and be very mindful of what I said, what I did. But again, see, my thinking was so warped that I thought this was just normal, that this is what relationships were like. Um, I definitely know different now, but, um, so yeah, so right from the get-go, um, and, and then, you know, I found myself going into church. I was brought up in a church, uh, context, um, and came away in my teenage years and then, uh, went back into church, uh, after we'd had our first child. And I think too, because when I fell pregnant with my first child and we had him, of course there was always a hope that, um, well, he's the dad, you know, so I, I hope things get better. And then before you— I knew it, I was, you know, number 2 child, number 3 child, and things hadn't got better. And then on, I think, this number 2 child, he'd come into the church. And see, because unfortunately there was some gambling issues as well. And so when he'd come into the church, things changed a bit. So I'm like, right, here it is, it is, here it is, it's good. And there was a moment, but it was a very small moment, and then he stopped coming. And then unfortunately the traits came back of the gambling and the verbal stuff and the whatevers, and, um, and it just got worse. And then before you knew it, I was pregnant with my fourth. And, um, it was only, like I said, because I thought it was normal that I could walk this through. I could put my kids aside and keep them safe, whatever. That I just thought that, um, when that situation happened with my son, that was my wake-up call. That's what got me out. And as horrible as that moment was, I'm so grateful that unfortunately it came to that. Because yeah, moving forward, I mean, I would hope now looking back that with my relationship with God, um, that I may have had, you know, my eyes opened up. I think I was on that journey, and maybe I probably would have eventually got it. But, um, yeah, for the sake of the kids, we got out sooner. And that fourth child is— it's funny, like, she's got a whole different demeanor because I left, went into the refuge with her pregnant. And so she's never had, you know, the— the— she's never had to live under it. So she's— her, her, her— I don't know, she just carries herself way differently because I don't think she's experienced any of the stuff. So yeah, it's interesting. We don't think that this stuff affects our children, but it really does.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 26:57
Sorry for the interruption. This is Ian Westmoreland, the founder of Katsuki Heroes, and thank you for listening to this story from one of our amazing heroes.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 27:06
Our mission is for these stories to provide hope and inspiration to people experiencing life challenges and to also educate the broader community on how best to provide support.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 27:17
If you would like to help us to continue to produce more hero stories and cover more adversity themes, we would welcome all donations.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 27:24
These can be made via our website, kintsugiheroes.com.au.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 27:30
The donate function is at the bottom of the home page.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 27:33
We'd also welcome any feedback.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 27:35
You can email me direct using ian@kintsugiheroes.com.au. Now let's get back to the story. Um, that is so interesting, Josie. And, and what you've just said then about your fourth child, your daughter, sort of is a great segue into my next— like, the questions that I've got around what was it like for your kids. Obviously you've spoken about your eldest son, which was the, the turning point. How old were the others, and did they display anything over the years, you know, that was concerning? Maybe not at the time because you had no idea it was— there was something wrong, but you know, what was going on for them? And yeah, talk me through that and the journey for them, if that's okay.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 28:24
So, so the, the eldest was 8 at the time, then there's a 5-year gap to the next daughter, and then the other one was, um, was 2. And so, so she was still little, um, they were both little. The, the 2-year-old, uh, not so much, um, because, you know, he, he was— but, but in saying that, we've had to deal with, um, he's— so he's now 18, um, and we, we— what's, what's risen up is there is some, um, anger, anger, anger stuff that's come up, and we've often had to— not often, we've, we've with school and teachers and stuff. We've had to deal with that through counseling, um, because see, the thing is, um, I, as I came out, great that we were out, but I had a bit of an attitude at the same time that, you know what, he's always going to be the father. I don't want to disconnect if it means that, um, you know, it's just a visit, because we hadn't come into any agreeances of, uh, custody or anything like that. Uh, but there was some visits and things, you know, sports, and he came to sports and that. And so there was this relationship moving forward, uh, even though we weren't living under the same roof. And there were moments, there were blow-up moments, even being out at a dinner, uh, at a sports thing, whatever. There was, there was blow-ups. So they still saw stuff. And as they got older, um, and many times I would have to say, we're done, we're done, we're done, we're out. And so we would take— obviously I would take them to a space in my car so that when and if we could just get in the car and go. And yeah, eventually, you know, it's got to a point where specifically when they were younger, where I was able to say, I'm out. And but unfortunately, moving forward, there's been this real relationship between them that he, he's very big on monetary provision. And as kids get older and they want the XYZs, they've worked out how to, you know, pull from this one to get that thing and whatever. And so for so many years it's been, you know, just don't even ask because, you know, but I don't know if it's guilt that he carries because it's like literally whatever they want they get financially, but it's, it's really I think taking the kids to a space of, you know, they are financially spoiled, um, but they know that there's no, there's no relationship, unfortunately. There's no, oh, this is my dad, and, you know, and there's no, no genuine relationship. It's all about he's Santa, you know, whatever I, whatever I need, Dad, I need shoes, and they have to be this, and they have to be, you know, and it's like, all right, the money's being transferred, and so Um, I, I really dislike seeing that because unfortunately what I've seen specifically in my second daughter's, um, world is that she's in a bit of a space of reliance. I mean, she's 21 now and she's, you know, jobs off and on, but it's— she made a comment a few months ago about, um, I, I would talk to her about employment and, and, and that, and, and she said, but why? Like, I'll just call him, he'll send You know, it's just like, oh gosh, like, so has it still affected? It is still affecting, uh, the behaviors. But unfortunately now, you know, I have to take my hands off because adult, 21, and then 18-year-old, you know. But, and I see, I see, um, yeah, the, the, the, the 18-year-old, you know, has had some anger stuff go on. And in some of the counseling sessions, it was, it was the anger of not having a father. You know, and then unfortunately too, the impact of it all with regard to the oldest son, um, you know, there's a 5-year difference between him and number 2, is that when, um, he grew up kind of being, you know, the male figure in their lives, and there was many times then in his teenage years with the younger ones, I'd have to say, no, no, it's, it's fine, I've got it, I, I will discipline, I will, you know, thank you, but you're not Dad, you know, like So he— I think he took on a lot of responsibility. I think he blamed himself for many years that it was because of me we left. So I had to keep reiterating that, uh, it was not at all because of you. I'm grateful because of you that you helped me to see and open up my eyes. Um, yeah, but, but it's interesting that, uh, yeah, the three of them specifically have you know, had this ongoing thing. The, the eldest and him, they do not talk. They are not connected at all. Um, and then the fourth one, there is a, you know, obviously she knows he's dad and stuff, but it's a different relationship again. But again, there's that money thing that happens too. Um, but yeah, just the demeanor of each of them and their attitudes and stuff, definitely there's been some impacts. And I think it's definitely got a lot to do with what they maybe saw growing up, um, and specifically even after in, in catch-ups, you know, like, and some of them were like an hour to an hour and a half kind of a meal, and then by the end of it, it'd be like, okay guys, we're going, we're going, you know, because it became just verbally abusive in places and definitely affects the kids. And, and like I said, you know, even moving forward now, uh, as young adults I mean, I consistently will say, um, you know, that's not okay, this is, you know, but, but again, when they're getting handed anything that they're asking for, it's so hard as a mum watching on, you know, because we're not equipping, especially when I'm about equipping and not enabling. Um, yeah, so, and how do you disconnect? How do you fully disconnect them from somebody now that they're adults? It's, it's very difficult.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 34:21
Yeah, it's their journey, not yours, in terms of their relationship with their dad, right?
Josie Parata (Guest) · 34:28
Totally, totally. And look, I didn't want to be, you know, you're never ever gonna see, because I just, I don't know, I mean, maybe that'd have been better, I'm not sure.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 34:40
Um, did you have the choice to do that? Do you think that if you said that, that he wouldn't have wanted to see them?
Josie Parata (Guest) · 34:47
Yeah, I mean, I think that— I don't know if it'd be about not wanting to, um, but I'm, you know, I think because I stepped in the field of, uh, domestic violence, I got, you know, I— knowledge on legal. I, I did an advanced diploma in all what, you know, what was to do with this stuff. I, I know the legal system, and, and I think his fear even around trying to go for some kind of custody, even though, like, I get it, like, he'd have rights to it Um, he made a comment one day and said, well, um, I'll never take you down the court road because you probably know the best lawyers, the best whatevers anyway, and I would lose. So I kind of, you know, as bad as this sounds, I sort of was like, yeah, like, you know. So we never had a court battle, um, and I probably could have said, actually, we're out, you know, your behaviors, I don't want this around the kids. And I probably could have, um But I also have a thing in my space where, uh, when we walk through things, rather than dwell in regret, let's just not go there, because what can I do to fix what's already happened? So yeah, it's more about how do we move forward. And, and, you know, all I can keep doing is keeping my narrative to the kids in a space of like, guys, you know, that behavior, that this whatever. And sometimes I think they think it's a game because they can get what they want. But, and I've told— I've even actually, to be honest, I've even had a conversation with the dad and said, please stop, because, you know, you're not helping the situation. Like, you're just giving the money whenever, blah blah blah. It's not, you know— so I'm not the one going, get all the money you can get. It's like, please stop, you were just really not helping them. And then, you know, even recently, because 10 grand was given to the 21-year-old to go to Dubai 2 weeks ago, and, um, I said, this like she should have saved, she should, you know, whatever. And then now he's saying, that's it, you know, I'm done, I can't do this all the time. But it's like, please, yes, stop. So yeah, it's hard when they become adults now. So yeah.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 36:48
How, how did your eldest son navigate you the path after, you know, the incident occurred and you left and went to the refuge? Like, what was the impact on him and how did he navigate that? As a young boy? Did it hinder him?
Josie Parata (Guest) · 37:05
Yeah, no, it actually allowed him to, you know, find a voice. Um, and I think, I think what happened was that we not only had this amazing space that was our space and that amazing playground and all that at this block that we were in, um, it just allowed him just— yeah, it just— he came out of the shy little boy that he was. And, and he— this joy became, you know, he became joyful and he became— if he just came— I think it was the— and I mean, he wouldn't know that it was that, but I think it was the no longer having to walk around on eggshells. Be careful what you say, be careful what you do, be careful, be careful, be careful. And whereas now, um, yeah, he, he, he— I just remember seeing this happy little boy that, um, even the teachers had made a comment that, um, because obviously I'd kept them in the loop and they knew what was happening and where we're at, um, they said a couple of months later, like, we have a whole different little child in our classroom now. Um, and yeah, I, I, it was such a— yeah, I just— it really brought him to a space of definite safety and, uh, he found himself. And, uh, he began to shine just in, you know, rugby. Because one of the big things, you know, we put our kids into rugby league at a very young age. Like, at 3, he was playing rugby league, and he was a really good little player. But that was the one thing that he was told all the time was, you're hopeless, you're never going to make it, you know, nobody wants you, you're a dumb player, whatever. And on a footy day, you know, he might get 4 or 5 tries, but he'd get told that, you know, you missed that one kid when you didn't tackle him. You know, so, so now that wasn't happening and he was stepping in a game he loved. And, you know, through his teenage years, he went on to play, you know, with Harold Matz and Ishy Ball for Manly Rugby League and, you know, went over to New Zealand and was playing in some development squads for the New Zealand Warriors. And, you know, so, so he just loved the game because he now recognized that, you know, he could just be the best that he could be without being criticized. And he'd learned through— because the other great thing was that through the refuge they had counseling and they had, um, you know, some qualified people that understood what these kids are breaking out of. And so he was taught on how to face some stuff. They did some sand play and things like that and was able to talk about how he was feeling. And so I'm so grateful for those kind of spaces that were set up, uh, because it really did help him, um, you know, come through, that's for sure. So Yeah, he's, he's, he's in a good space. And, you know, look, we all have, you know, mountains to climb. We're ups and downs. We're human. Uh, but yeah, he really thrived and came out of that situation. Um, other than I think just the guilt at times for him being the reason why we left, but I had to keep reiterating that he wasn't the reason. He was actually the doorway that allowed me to see the way forward. So, um, yeah.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 40:09
Yeah, that's so— I'm so pleased to hear that. Um, tell me, what were the key things that helped get you through once you got to the refuge?
Josie Parata (Guest) · 40:19
Yeah, um, I, I think, uh, well, well, I know, you know, and I, I, I am a Christian, but I, you know, I hate religion, uh, because I'm about relationship. But I personally I really believe that, you know, having a relationship with the Jesus that I know was just my— it was my hook, that was my hope to move forward. And, um, in the space, I, I really recognized that I felt comforted that, you know, I was in this space and somehow, some way, we were going to get through. Um, I had been, you know, like I said, I, I, I, I got this real realization that actually you know, this journey is at the time crappy and whatever it was, that this was a pathway that I was to take. And but I was going to take note along the way on how to break free, how to move forward, because I really wanted to come alongside other women and children who may be stuck in the same situation that I was in. Um, I, I was Uh, yeah, really able to just, I think, just recognize that even though stuff is not great, even though we, we have situations that are not the best scenarios, that 100% there are, there are, even if the road is very narrow, there is a way forward. And, um, I've learned, uh, one of the specific scriptures in all of my journeys that has really helped me to move forward is um, that, you know, faith, faith is the substance of things hoped for, but the evidence of things unseen. And I learned in these journeys that, you know, I, I, if I, if I, if I saw the thing before I got the thing— so whatever it is you're sitting in that's not so great, see the opposite to what you want to see. As I saw that and visualized it, that gave me hope that somehow it's going to get through. As I spoke it, proclaimed it, and confessed it. What happened in that, that was, that was, you know, and it sounds weird when you're confessing the opposite to what you're sitting in. When I was diagnosed that I was going to die with breast cancer and I was not going to survive, and every day I'm brushing my teeth, doing my hair in the mirror, I'm going, Josie, you will live and not die. You will live and not die. You know, when I first started doing that It was a weird— it was weird because the doctors are saying, you know, it's gone through your bloodstream, you're riddled, it's traveling through your lungs, it's, you know, there's nothing we can do. We'll give you chemo, it'll prolong a little bit, but it's not going to heal you. And, and so I, I did grab a hold of a scripture, um, and that it was that I would live and not die. And so I, I took that on, and I, I— so I saw myself cancer-free, I saw myself out of the refuge, I saw myself, you know, um, in a situation that I was living in a home with my kids and we were happy and we were, you know, we were free. We were not having to walk on eggshells anymore. I confessed it. We're going to have an amazing life. We're going to have amazing house. We're going to, you know, we can live and not walk on eggshells. And, you know, so I saw it, I confessed it, and then my next thing was I believed in my heart. And I think to get yourself to believe in your heart when you see it and you confess it, eventually— I believe when we confess something, because initially it feels weird, but when we confess, confess, confess, we keep confessing, I, I believe it's here, it's in our head, and it sounds weird, but as we continue to confess, I believe it goes from our head and it hits our heart, and eventually we believe it because we have told ourself many, many times, we've got this, we're going to get through this. And in that journey, because there is actually a scripture too, it says, you know, believe in your heart and confess with your mouth, and it shall be done. And so I was like, righto, confess with my mouth. So that was it. It was seeing, believing, confessing, and then seeing the thing. And, you know, and then always before I knew it, the tide, the tide would start to turn. The reports would start to, you know, become even greater and better than what I was even hoping. You know, we came out of the refuge. I said to my kids, because, you know, faith is seeing, believing, and confessing. I said, right, we need a house because we're homeless. Let's, let's write a list. What are we going to have? What are we going to believe for? And I, on my first list, I think we had, you know, 4-bedroom house, uh, great neighbors, uh, in this area on the Northern Beaches. And so it was like 3 things on it. And, um, and every day we'd say, come on guys, and so we'd say, thank you God for our 4-bedroom house, thank you Jesus for our, you know, our, our our whatever in this area. And then before we knew it, the refuge said, oh, we've got a property we're going to move you into. It's a, you know, residential property, blah blah blah. And I'm like, okay, cool, where is it? And we went out, it's the area we confessed. It was a 4-bedroom and the neighbors were amazing. It had everything on the list. And then over the years, see what— this is what happens is that when we start to see breakthroughs happen, um, over the years as we've had to move many other times again because I'm under— I was under this program of, you know, transitional housing coming out of domestic violence. We had to move a few times, and each time we wrote a list. And I gotta say, our list grew every time we moved. There was, you know, double garage, dishwasher, fence, great neighbors with kids, blah blah blah. The last one, you know, it had— I had water views, I had everything. And I swear, every time, tick tick tick tick tick. Why? Because we've seen it, we've confessed it, We've believed it. And so I, I, I also have to say to anybody that's in any kind of traumatic situations, whatever it is, you know, it's real. It's real. The trauma stuff is real. But, you know, as we start to confess, it really allows us to take our eyes off the circumstance and hope for something over the hill. And it just— I don't know, it just brought us to a space of really seeing that proclaiming, confessing, believing is for real, and it does make a way. And look, one step at a time, just take a step at a time. I mean, I say to my clients now, because out of the refuge I got given, I believe by God, a strategy on how to set up this crisis center helping mums and children escape. Um, I, I, I say to my mums, they come in, okay, wallow, you can wallow, you can tell me all your whatevers, whatever, the pity party, do your pity party. But when we're going to work in a case management plan to move forward, we're done. No more pity parties because I get it, been there, done it. And we're going to look at the positives and how we can move forward. And look, it is just a space where I've seen breakthrough in many, many families' lives. And because of what we've done at Lighthouse and being real at the same time, and I found it very hard at the beginning to receive accolades and awards from members of Parliament and Rotary Clubs and whatever. But I recognised that somebody said to me, in taking the rewards and the trophies and the whatevers, it actually will allow doors to open up for the organisation. So receive it and do what you do. And so, yeah, look, I never ever thought being in that refuge back when I was pregnant with my fourth in a not so great situation, my son had just tried to take his life at 8 years old, that today I'd be sitting in a place mentoring and helping other families to move forward and out of their situation. And look, I know that again, we're not void of trials, but let's build the bridge. Let's take one step at a time. But also I want to say, whatever it is you're sitting in, please swallow your pride. Please, please reach out. Please, you know, go to a space where there could be some professional services that can actually help you to move forward in the stuff. Because in doing that, you'll find somebody that understands your situation, and I guarantee you they will have seen someone that's come through the other side. But swallow the pride and reach out and ask for the help that you need, because the pathways are 100% Wow, thank you so much, Josie.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 48:52
I, I've loved everything that you've said. Um, I know that so many women will feel, you know, so fueled and, and grateful for that message, you know, and hearing what you've been through and what you've done, but also what you explained at the end, you know, which applies to anybody going through any kind of trauma. And it's so So true.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 49:13
Anything—
Aveline Clark (Host) · 49:14
what we focus on expands. If we look down inside our current circumstance, it expands, it becomes our whole world, and it takes over things. And I love the way that you taught your kids to see the opposite. What a, what a gift. What an absolute gift. And I love that the example that you've given and shown how it's worked, and look at where you are today. So I just want to thank you for what you've done, and I love it. I love everything. And I'm, yeah, just really grateful for you sharing the story so you can help others, inspire others, and show them what's possible, as well as how to get through these traumatic times.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 49:58
100%. I will add, because people may ask questions about the cancer journey, I miraculously received, a year after that journey, 2012, for the breast, I received reports that they don't know how or where or whatever, but there is not one tumor in my body. The doctors were shocked and I'm a stat in their books. And so they've kept an eye on me over the years. It was only in '19 that I had headaches and unfortunately there is a tumor that popped up in the back of my head. They're calling it a metastasis from my breast. But I'm like, wait, wait, but I had no tumors in my breast left, so how does it metastasize? But whatever. Um, look, the crazy thing is though, for those who get faith, um, that, you know, I, I, I, we are a target unfortunately in the spiritual realm, if you know, if anyone's sitting in that space as well. But God, uh, because when I got diagnosed with the breast cancer was on the same day I got given the keys to the women's department to open up the women's department. And I went, yep, nah, I'm still doing this thing, you know, attack my breast, all good. I'm dealing with nurturing mothers, so I think Spiritual attack. The breast has been attacked. And then in '19, I opened up a department, uh, helping the men to come out of addictions and homelessness. And then on the same day, I got the council keys to that building, I get brain cancer. I'm like, wait, what? What's this? What's this? And then I felt in my spirit that actually, because the enemy's attacked the head, because I'm going for the men who are the head of the household, uh, so I'm not in fear of this stuff. But, you know, the doctors are happy at what they're seeing. It's moving, it's doing what it's doing. This thing's not taking me out.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 51:35
You are a warrior, Doris Tracy, and well done. Go you! So, so inspirational. Thank you for your time today. I, I'm— yeah, thank you for everything.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 51:48
Thanks for having me. Honestly, amazing program, amazing space to help others.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 51:53
Yeah, it is. You're welcome. Have a wonderful Wonderful day.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 51:57
Thank you.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 52:03
We hope you've enjoyed this episode of Katsugi Heroes. Please like and share the show to your friends so we can get this out to even more people. If you have a story you'd like to share with us, please reach out using the contact details below and join us next week for our next hero's story. Until then, keep being being you, and remember that we are all heroes in our own unique way. Only when it's broken, only when it's broken, when it hits you in the middle of the night and the truth burns so bright.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 52:47
Only when it's broken.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 52:51
Only when it's broken. Take pride in those cries.
Josie Parata (Guest) · 52:58
It's only for tonight.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 53:00
And then you rise. Only when you're broken. Only when you're broken. Only when you're broken.
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