Simon Rinne (Guest) · 14:39
they could kidnap us because we're pretty small kids. They could hurt us, they could murder us, they could do all of those things. Um, and then addition to that, I felt like if there was an appliance on in the house, an iron, the stove, the door of the fridge was open or something, it was going to also catch on fire and burn us all alive, essentially. So these are two obsessive thoughts that came into my mind. As a 13-year-old who felt like he needed to be a protector of the household and the man of the house. And so what I would do is I, when everyone was in bed, I would try to go to bed myself, but then I'd go, no, I've got to go check everything. And so I would go systematically throughout the house, every window, door, even the curtains had to be pulled to a certain, you know, so that nobody could see in and stuff like that. I had to make it as difficult as possible for these make-believe people to come into the house. And so I would check, check, check doors, windows, um, I'd even go outside checking gates in the middle of winters, freezing cold or pouring down with rain. I'd be out there checking gates in the middle of the night, just 13-year-old. And I did this all in silence. Again, it was all in the dark. Nobody knew I was doing it. Mum went to bed, she didn't know I was doing it. My brother was in sleep, he didn't know I was doing it. You know, I'd do the check once, and then I'd go back to bed, and my brain would say, Simon, did you really check that window? Or did you really check that door? And I would— and it would tell me that I didn't, or that it would tell me that it— when I walked away, the, the most minuscule wave of air that came from outside might have unlocked the door or, or the window, or the fact that I went and checked the door might have unlocked it in the process. And so I would be constantly up and out of bed doing this checking, and, and then also with the stove and the iron, making sure that they weren't touching something, that they were unplugged from the wall because they, they could catch on fire and all this type of stuff. And it got to a point where after doing this for so many— for so long and a number of years, every night without failure, like, I, I was exhausted. I became exhausted. And this is where depression started to come in. But again, we didn't talk about depression. It wasn't something that we knew how to talk about. So again, it was bottling it up. It was me trying to essentially outthink a, a disorder that is based purely on thinking, if that makes sense. Like, I was trying to outthink something that is destined to think and make me think. Um, so that was happening as well. And then it manifested into the daytime as well. So I'd go to school in my school bag, and, and I'd be constantly checking my wallet and phone and keys were there. So I eventually got a phone, but but at the start it was my wallet and keys. So I'd have that in the front pocket of my bag and then I'd walk 10 meters off, you know, out of the car or even in the car on the way there. Mum would be driving, I'd be checking my bag constantly. Have I got my wallet in there? Because that's got my address and my identity. And it, you know, when I got a job eventually, I had my bank card in there and then now I've got 500 cards in there. I don't know what's in there. And my keys, because if they got my wallet and they got my keys, then they've got— they know who I am, where I live, and they can access the house. Just petrified of this happening for the same reasons as the locking of the house as well. And so I would check, and then I'd lock— I'd close my bag, the zip on my bag, and then I put it back on my back, or I put it on my lap, or on the floor, wherever it is. And then my brain would say, Simon, are you sure you checked this part of it? Is, are you sure the keys are all on the key ring perfectly so they're not going to fall off and you're going to lose that key? Or, or in the process of checking, did your keys or wallet, and then eventually phone, and then eventually work pass when I became an adult and started working, did that magically fall out of your bag in the process of you checking? Or then in the process of you checking, have you now ripped a hole in the bottom of your bag So that's fallen out of your bag. So then I'm now checking for holes in my bag as well. And this is constantly, all day, every day, um, you know, through school, high school, university, work, career, you know. I'm now 40, I still do this type of stuff from when I was 12 or 13. And, and again, this is all bottling it. I bottled it all up because I didn't know how to talk about it. It felt really weird, it felt really stupid, and And it's funny because when, when you talk about mental illness, and I think back to the humming thing, it often sounds so stupid when you talk about it or you write about it or you post about it on social media. But when you're living with it in your head, it is so real. It is like it's 100% going to happen if you don't do this, this, and this. And particularly for OCD, because you have to do the behaviors to alleviate the anxiety from the obsessive thoughts. And I love sharing all these stories, these intricacies about OCD, because when you think about OCD and when people talk about OCD, it's often quite a trivialised condition. So I'm not sure if you've ever been in a workplace or at a barbecue and someone's like, "Oh, my OCD is killing me because this thing's out of place," or "My OCD is killing me because," and this was a classic one in the workplace, "because this PowerPoint presentation hasn't got a full stop at the end of this sentence." These aren't— this isn't OCD. This is just people like who are pedantic about things being neat and tidy. OCD is, is a debilitating condition. There's, there's people that, you know, that there's a lot of jokes around washing your hands and OCD, and there is an element of washing your hands in certain types of OCD. So if you have what's called contamination or germ OCD, you might wash your hands a lot because you have this fear that if you touch something, you've now got germs on your hand and you've you're either going to die or somebody else is going to die as a result of this germ getting passed around. It's not just because you like clean hands, it's actually because you have a fear, this overwhelming fear that something bad is going to happen. And to the point, you'll be washing your hands where these people are bleeding, they've got cuts all over them, they're like, their skin is just withered away because they wash their hands so much. It's like kind of like when, when COVID happened, we're all using, um, hand sanitizer and we're all getting cracked hands and all this type of stuff. It's that to the nth degree. And so, but it's not for everybody. It's like, I don't do that with my OCD. And I— and if you come to my house, it is a mess because I've got two kids under 6, like, who are 6 and 3. I don't care about things being in place. Like, that's not my version of OCD. But it often trivializes to those two things. Or yeah, these PowerPoint presentations, or these emails, or whatever it is, you know, having a full stop missing, or someone's overused capital, capital letters or something like that. And so I love sharing this, this OCD, because it's so much more, you know. There's, there's germ OCD, there's harm OCD. There's people that think about that if they hold a knife, they're accidentally going to stab someone. They don't want to, but the obsessive thought is that they can't alleviate is, I'm going to stab someone if I hold this knife. So what they do is they, they might avoid knives, or they like lock knives away They don't have any intention to hurt anybody with a knife, but they do this, you know. There's others where, like, you know, there's ones around religion, there's ones around ethical— your own personal ethics, there's ones around identity, and, and there's even ones around pedophilia. And, and I say the word pedophilia because I, I didn't even know this one existed, but I was talking to somebody else who, who's trained in OCD therapy. And they were sharing this thing, and it made me think of a lot of parents, actually. And there's this concept around, am I a pedophile because I take my child to a public toilet? And it's the perception around what other people think of a grown man, like, say, for example, me taking my son to a public toilet. And most parents would go, yeah, that's just a parent doing their parental duty. But someone living with OCD, particularly pedophilia OCD, might think everyone thinks I'm a pedophile. So then what they do, they avoid taking the child to the toilet, you know. And this is how debilitating it can be. There's people that lock themselves in their rooms for 4 or 5 years because they're trying to avoid all the things, the triggers, and then the responses that they have to do to alleviate. And so, so yeah, that's, that's when I went through this during, particularly from my teenage years, and this lasts until 28 years old before I finally got help. It was me trying to outthink it, trying to figure out a way that if I think about it and think about it, try to rationalize it in my head, it would go away. I'd solve the issue, I'd— so I would solve my problems. But in reality, what it did is it just fueled it more. I never got it out of my head. And, and then it— so I turned to alcohol to bottle it up even further because alcohol would, would help me slow my brain down. Because an OCD mind, it just races so quickly. Like, if you feel like you're thinking a thousand thoughts every second and all at once, and you're trying to solve 10 problems at once at the same time. And then it becomes more complex when you become an adult, and then you've got adult things you've got to deal with— mortgages, work, social lives, kids, all this type of stuff. And, and it becomes more and more challenging as you go unless you can get help. Because there is help available. But it took me a long time to start to realize that. And, and the complicating thing about OCD, and I think this kind of matches what I experienced, is that they call it a silent condition because it takes on average someone around 15 years from first symptom to first treat. And now mine was 20-odd years. And in fact, mine, I didn't actually get treatment for OCD until I was in my mid-30s, so it's probably even longer. Because my initial treatment was focusing on depression and anxiety, not the OCD, which is probably the more prevalent issue that I've had to deal with since I was 8 years old. And so yeah, it, it got to a— it was a long time of balling it up, trying to outthink of it, outthink it, trying to be the man of the house. And now I'm a man of the house now with my family, but it's probably not until the last 4 or 5 years when I started studying social work, and then started doing exposure response prevention for my OCD. And I found mindfulness, that I started to let all these guards down and take off all these masks and start to realize, yeah, what my mate told me when I was 10 years old actually makes a lot of sense. And I wish I'd, I wish I just did something with that at 10 years old, not at 28, and then not at 38 as well, because You know, it's taken mental illness for me to really understand who I am. It's taken mental illness for me to actually take the mask off and to show my authentic self as well. Sorry for the interruption. This is Ian Westmoreland, the founder of Katsuki Heroes, and thank you for listening to this story from one of our amazing heroes. Our mission is for these stories to provide hope and inspiration to people experiencing life challenges and to also educate the broader community on how best to provide support. If you would like to help us to continue to produce more hero stories and cover more adversity themes, we would welcome all donations. These can be made via our website kitsukiheroes.com.au. The donate function is at the bottom of the home page. We'd also I welcome any feedback. You can email me direct using ian@kintsugiheroes.com.au. Now let's get back to the story.