Francois de Neuville · 44 min
A Belgian commando-paratrooper who survived the 2004 Sulawesi tsunami, saving a five-year-old girl while trapped between a collapsing hotel and a deadly wave, transforms his brush with death and the loss of ten friends into a life philosophy that refuses to let suffering outlast the pain that caused it.
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Francois de Neuville was a Belgian commando-paratrooper who quit the military at 27 because he knew if he didn't leave then, he never would. He sold everything, backpacked across the world, met his Dutch wife in Indonesia, and was learning to paraglide when an earthquake struck the island of Sulawesi on 26 December 2004. While walking away from his hotel, the building collapsed behind him. He saw a five-year-old girl trapped in the rubble and climbed to reach her, then ran toward the beach as a tsunami approached. He pulled the girl into a tree and held on as the wave hit at 700 kilometres an hour. They survived forty minutes in that tree, then spent the night in a half-collapsed building before Francois carried her inland to safety. He reunited with his friend and learned the girl's mother had also survived. Ten of his friends from the paragliding competition were not as fortunate.
Francois returned to Jakarta and watched those deaths unfold on the news from his couch. Then came a second blow: the friend who had helped save the girl's mother died in a paragliding crash in India. Looking at a team photo, Francois realised he was the only survivor left alive. In that moment, something shifted. He decided he would not live as a victim anymore. Instead of staying stuck in suffering, he chose to honour the people he lost by living every day with purpose and intention. This was not about the pain disappearing. PTSD remained. Nightmares still came. But he separated pain, which is a signal, from suffering, which is a choice to stay stuck. Over time, he rebuilt his life around what actually mattered: the people he loved and the experiences they shared together.
“from being a victim I became a Survivor now the event Was the Same the pain was not different but suddenly the suffering starting fading away suddenly I had a purpose again”
“pain is a signal that we experience in our life it's it's an alarm it's telling us like something is wrong either physically or emotionally or mentally right suffering is what we do with that pain”
“seeking for help is one of the most powerful things that we should be doing and too many people are afraid of being churched or feeling too vulnerable by asking for help”
The hero, today
Francois quit his military career because he knew if he did not leave then, he would keep postponing his dreams forever, with more responsibilities and reasons not to go. When the tsunami hit, Francois realised that in the moment he thought he was going to die, he did not care about his bank account or his car; he only thought about the people in his life and the experiences they had shared. Francois stopped suffering not because the pain went away, but because he chose to stop denying what had happened and decided instead to live with purpose and intent, honouring the people he lost. Purpose is not something you find; it is something you create over time, and it will change as you grow, so you have to trust the process rather than wait to discover it. Francois seeks help from a coach and therapist now because he spent too much time trying to handle everything alone; he sees this as the foundation of building a better life. The difference between Francois before the tsunami and now is not that he has no more pain; it is that he chose to reframe his story from victim to survivor, which gave him back his power.
Yes. Francois de Neuville is a real person who shared their own story in their own words. Kintsugi Heroes is a not-for-profit that shares first-person stories of overcoming adversity, told with the person's consent.
Kintsugi Heroes, a registered Australian not-for-profit. Every story is shared with the hero's own consent and reviewed under Kintsugi Heroes' trauma-informed content standard before it goes public.
Francois quit his military career because he knew if he did not leave then, he would keep postponing his dreams forever, with more responsibilities and reasons not to go.
When the tsunami hit, Francois realised that in the moment he thought he was going to die, he did not care about his bank account or his car; he only thought about the people in his life and the experiences they had shared.
Francois stopped suffering not because the pain went away, but because he chose to stop denying what had happened and decided instead to live with purpose and intent, honouring the people he lost.
kugi Heroes acknowledges funding and was made possible with support from the community broadcasting Foundation find out more at cbf.org [Music] AU welcome to the kugi heroes podcast where we share inspirational stories of everyday people going through different challenges and how they overcome them Please be aware that the story you're about to hear may have moments of deeply felt emotions and personal experiences if anything you here has a triggering effect please reach out to someone who can help keep you safe if you love this conversation we'd love you to like and share it with your friends so we can continue to share more inspiration and hope to as many people as possible now listen up for our next Hero's [Music] story [Music] this conversation is with Fran du Newville honestly it blew me away I had no idea what was going to come just like with all of the conversations I don't know what people's stories are before they start talking he was a survivor of the 2004 tsunami in Indonesia he took me through the detailed account of what happened when that tsunami hit where he was what he was doing and the months after that the friends he'd lost the people that he'd lost and how that changed his life forever such a Monumental event obviously for him but he's used it to his advantage and now he just takes every day as a gift and he inspires others to do the same he's a former Commando paratrooper he's a husband and an adventurer this is my conversation with him I'm so grateful that he came and shared it and now it's time for you to listen to it as well enjoy this one with franois [Music] hello here we are it is another episode of kugi Heroes I'm here with franois daville I hope I pronounced that correctly welcome franois how are you today hi that was correctly pronounced I know my name is a little bit weird to pronounce but thank you and I'm doing very great today lovely thank you for being here and where abouts are you in the world I'm right now in North Carolina in the US but I'm a nomad it's been like years I'm traveling so last week I was in Brazil the week before in Argentina and next week I'm going to be in Mexico so I'm moving a lot okay wonderful I love that kind of uh openness to exploring and nomatic lifestyle it's exciting and I hope it's working well for you I don't even see myself going back to living in one place for a few years oh lovely well thanks for pausing long enough to meet with me and um coming on to consi Heroes I just want to first of all acknowledge that you're here and you're here to share a story story uh these are not always easy stories to share it takes some bravery some vulnerability and I just want to honor that so thank you thank you I appreciate well this is about you and your story so I'm going to hand over to you and ask you to take us back to the beginning um just to give you a little bit of context so I'm fris I'm from Belgium I grew up there I had a this desire say I'm a kid to to do things that are really challenging you got to imagine me had dreadlocks till here I was living with my guitar and my skateboard and one day I go to the bedroom of my parents and I was like 17 and said dad mom um I'm gonna join the military and they were like what are you talking about they were so like oh that's that's odd so yeah I want to become uh a platoon leader in the Commando of power Troopers and I went to the military academy I I passed the exam with my dreadlocks because I was saying like if I'm not selected I'm not cutting them for sure that was quite funny and I got selected I uh I served in the military for nine years and I made my way to become a platoon leader in the Comm of power Troopers I had a great life I that was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life being married is really easy next to it seriously um this was very very hard I was there I was super happy I love my life I love the job I was doing I mean that was not a normal week you know we were just doing uh parachuting helicopter training boat training climbing close combat all of those kind of exciting things so my life was really extraordinary I had good friends made good money and my old career was in front of me but still inside I had this this voice saying like there is more there is more and when I was a kid I always wanted to be an Explorer you know in Jenna Jones my idol I just wanted to go on a boat sail the world and travel and explore but I was postponing this because you know you got to find a job you got to study and then you have a job and like it's doesn't really make sense to leave now but one day I was if I don't leave today when is it going to be I'm going to keep postponing that forever and it's only going to be more difficult right more responsibilities Etc and so it was a a very scary move but I decided to quit I quit my job I sold everything I had I sold my car my computer even clothes I put everything I had left in the backpack and I went to travel the world a few years before I think one and a half year before I met a beautiful Dutch woman in Indonesia on a on a small island while I was traveling and I ended up marrying her uh and so she was already traveling at the time and I joined her on the road and I had a big dream was to to travel around the world and her dream was to live in Nepal and when we met on this on this really tiny island in Indonesia I shared my dream but I was like you know what it's not really making sense to quit and after all this work and effort to get there but she cheered me on on man what are you waiting for and I was the first person who was actually supporting this decision because most most of my friends were like come on don't be stupid everybody's having a hard time to find a job and pays the bills and you just have everything so what are you doing but I did it anyway and so we went traveling and we had a great time the idea was we travel the world and we're going to go live in Nepal that was her dream and that's what we did the problem is I was traveling I had such a great time Amazing Adventures from all over the world but every time I was looking about what was coming next you know I was in Colombia thinking about I cannot wait to be in Japan I was in Japan think oh diving in the Philippines is going to be great I was in the Philippines I was thinking oh Indonesia is going to be so good and I kept living for something that was about to come and that kind of robbed me from the present moment but I did not really realize that in the moment I was just having this fear of missing out and going just from one place to the other to the other to the other until we arrived in Nepal and then we tried to live there but we realized that was really difficult to get the work permit Etc and so after five months trying to figure things out we realized well that probably not going to work and we were a little bit sad thinking oh the dream is collapsing and I was walking in the second biggest city of the country in Po and I saw the paragliders in the sky I was like I got an idea I went to a paragliding school and I asked like if I have a work permit as a paragliding pilot C can I can I stay here I said yeah it's possible for a foreigner to obtain a work permit said okay how long does it take to learn to be a pilot like at least two three years if you really work hard so I came back to my wife running I said an idea I'm going to become the parag pilot and we're going to be able to stay here I never flew before like okay you know what let's make this happen so my wife found a job in Indonesia and she would be bringing the money and I would just spend all my time flying flying flying intensively so I could get the license and the permit to really live our dreams so this was a multi-year project and so we did it so we went to Indonesia she found a job and I started flying flying flying so we were again putting a bit of Life on pose to something that was coming in the future future and one day I I found myself at the wrong place at the wrong time uh there was a parag competition on the island of sui in North Indonesia and I decided to go there in the small City of Palo and participated to the competition and that was the day two I think the weather was exceptional I mean it was beautiful Tropical Paradise everything went great I was doing great great scores with my team so I was really happy and that day I go back to the hotel the hotel was right on the coast I mean we could see the sea in the beach in front of us it was just beautiful and I decided to go with my friend to a little local event on in the city center and so we get out of the hotel and as we were walking in front of the lobby suddenly the ground started shaking it started shaking so strong that we fell down we could just not stay standing up the ground was literally Making Waves I mean it was so insane I was just looking around like what is happening it's like defying all the laws of physic like my mind could not comprehend what was happening I was very confused and so I fell down I was there and my friend is next to me suddenly is above me and then I'm above him because the ground was really moving and the sound coming from so deep Earth was was terrifying and suddenly I hear this this very loud nose behind us and as I turn my head I see the whole hotel is collapsing I was horrified just a few seconds before I was just getting out waving goodbye to the receptionist and now I'm looking at this hotel collapsing in a dust of in a cloud of dust and debris is everywhere and I'm thinking there's so many people still inside I wanted to throw up I was feeling sick like what what is happening I tried to stand up and with my friend we run back to the hotel thinking we're going to be we need to help people we need to do something so we're looking around we're looking at all the debris and and the ground is still shaking this those massive blocks of concrete are still falling from the roof it doesn't stop and then in the in the the dust we see a little girl she was on the fifth floor and she was hanging being trapped in in mtic bars she was there and we looked at her like we're going to go to help her my friend is doing one step forward and I caught him by the shoulder massive block of concrete again falling and crushing in front of us and I'm like well we need to be careful as much as we want to help people it would be stupid to die just right here now trying to help you know and so we're there we're waiting for an opportunity but in the same time we're like d we cannot just stay here I was looking at this L she was so terrified and and people yelling around like okay you know what let's scre it let's do it and so we started climbing on the debris of the hotel trying to be careful to not be smashed by those big debris falling all apart and then we arrived at the at the height of the girl imagine on the fifth floor B we could just walk on the pile of debris because the hotel was just pancak and so we are there my friend is opening with me together the metallic bars I take the little girl in my shoulder and I see two feet a woman crying blood dripping and I realized that's the mother and she's trapped underneath this big block of concrete I'm like okay you know I'm going to I'm going to go put this little girl safe and I'm going to put her as far as possible from the hotel and then I come back to help you to live those blocks and free up the mother and so I start climbing down and as I'm climbing down I'm thinking okay I need to put her somewhere when when there is nothing collapsing right and so my first idea was well on the beach there was nothing there were no buildings there so I turned back I this little girl in my shoulder and I started running towards the beach which was like just a 50 m in front of us and as I look up to the Horizon I see this black line like I've never I've never saw that before but I knew what it was a tsunami was coming now in the moment I did not really realize you know there was an earthquake and I'm on the coast I mean that's kind of obvious but you know in the situation that could not really think so so far ahead and so I turned back to my friend and I'm yelling man just take shelter there is a tsunami coming but way to go you know I was there with this 5-year-old girl holding her in my arms we were trapped between a collapsing building and a deadly tsunami in front of us so I'm quickly looking around and I see a tree and I'm like I'm I'm gonna try my luck there I'm running towards the tree I throw the little the little girl up in the tree and and I'm climbing myself now I'm there I'm holding on on one side I hold the trunk on the other side I hold this little girl same with my legs I'm I'm really trying to holding as strong as possible and I look at the wave coming she look at me in the eyes and I could see like the confusion I remember smiling and just saying like it's going to be fine it's going to be okay don't worry but in my mind I'm just thinking like you're gonna die that's it that's it that's your last moment I take my cell phone and I'm trying to call my wife to say say goodbye because we were just this tree on the beach I mean there was we were the front line the coal never went through because all the antennas were destroyed so we had no network I'm holding on the tree I'm looking at the wave coming it was coming at 700 kilometers an hour I mean the speed is in insane it's so fast he was there coming closer and closer around me I can hear the people yelling screaming things collapsing because the ground was still shaking the trees moving in all direction the wave is like 20 met it arrives on the small road that was just in front of us propuls the cars high in the sky destroying everything on the way it was insane the strength of the power of the tsunami the power of nature and we felt so vulnerable in that tree I'm holding so strong and the wave is hitting us like a truck in my leg seriously I was dragged but I I was holding so strong and the wave passed and crashed behind in such such a noise I'm like we're still there we're still alive and I'm holding on that tree on this little girl and we are wet soaked and we're still going all Direction thinking what next what's going to come next we stayed 40 minutes in the Tre but it was getting dark it was getting dark we could not see anything anymore and so I was like I need to move if I stay here and another wave is going to come we might die that time but I'm also thinking if I leave the three and there is a tsunami coming again while we on the way I'm also going to die and this little girl I mean I was making decision for the both of us I decided to get down the tree to find a shelter somewhere further Inland to not be there anymore I look back to the hotel and I'm thinking about my friend I cannot see anything it's dark I cannot hear anything I'm like it's probably dead I put the little girl on my shoulder and down the Tre I'm trying to walk but there is still water up to here I mean the ground is uneven everything is is damaged there are Pines there are there are cars there are debris everywhere I mean it's it's such a mess you know I'm trying to walk I'm trying to run but I canot go very far I fall in a hole trying to keep the girl up the water and like what am I doing we in the wrong place right now and I'm feeling so scared that that that we're going to both die because of that decision I remember that there was a building on the side that was that was in construction that was not completely collapsed and so I tried to go back to this building and as I arrived there we climbed on the car and go on the first floor there were no walls so we could just see and and we sat there we were soaked I was just taking her in my arms and we were a bit cold it was getting dark the ground was still moving in all Direction and we could hear the wav still crashing and destroying everything we just had hope that was the last thing that we had we just were together and complete strangers and she was just stuck with me and and we stayed there in in that building for another two hours I think before uh until the water slowly starting getting down and so at that time I said okay that no that's my chance I'm going to try again to leave this place and go back uh to the further in town and so I'm getting down and then I put her on my shoulder again and I woke in the water the water was getting lower and lower and lower and then I realized that moment the chaos that it was I mean the city was on fire everything was burning there was this orange light on floating on top there were bodies floating in the water everything was destroyed it was it was a total nightmare and I was walking with this girl on my shoulder thinking what now and I'm walking and and suddenly I see a group of of survivors they were like just 100 meters in front of me and I start running towards the group thinking oh there are other people there and I'm running towards them and as I'm approaching I see in the middle of the group they were my friend I see him like oh no way you dare I I come to him I hug him and I'm like dude and he's telling me the mother of the little girl survived and I was such the sweetest news I could tell her like hey your mom is isn't there we're going to we're going to find her D is going to be fine and we regrouped with other friends and um we went to to a football field that was a little bit higher in the city and we sat there because nothing could collapse there but the whole night the ground was still shaking and we had a lot of friends that we missing now I got very lucky because I could get on a on a military plane that left uh like the day after I took a plane back to Jakarta when my wife was was there and yeah she thought me that for for more than 10 hours my name came in the red list from the embassy from the missing people Etc so she has she lived a complete nightmare during this time and so very quickly I was out of this natural disaster area you know I was I was back in my sitting on my couch in in in my apartment in Jakarta and it was like my body was was there but my mind was not there I was somewhere else and I had a really hard time to reconnect and I was just watching the news every day to to have news for my friends because 10 of my friends were still missing and day after days they were just finding their bodies so even before I left I also went trying to to find them you know I was going there with with a small group of friends and we were in the hotel where they were staying and the full Hotel collabs I was a eight story tell I was just reduced to a pile of debris and I remember I mean can I forget that but just digging with our bare hands until bleeding from our fingers trying to to remove the block of concretes and hopefully finding them and then discovering a body and be like I hope it's not them and I'm so sorry for the person that's there and I mean that was so difficult when I was back looking at the news because we could not do anything by hand so the machines came and and more uh search and rescue teams and then day after days I would have the news that another one has been found there and day after day there was even less hope that they would be surviving so I was really close contact with with my friend who saved the life of the mother of this little girl and um I was trying to to deal with the situation as as best as I could but I'm not going to lie I was in a very dark place I just could not find joy and meaning in anything I remember there I was just sitting in my couch and I was so mad I was so upset I was so mad and angry at the universe you know like why did you do that why is this happening so many people suffered and and I just could not fight join in anything I was trying to to find ways to cope I went to the gym and trying to push my body into pain so I could feel something else that in my head and my heart you know I was just trying to find other ways but still it didn't help and then I decided you know what I'm G maybe I'm going to share my message because I started getting calls from different journalists from different countries saying hey you're a hero you saved this little girl and I just made me sick I was like wait a second this is one lucky story 4,000 people died like what are you talking about and I was so upset to have those calls and and being asked for interviews and in a moment I was like oh but wait a second maybe I can use my story and so I said yes to one I said I'm going to talk and I asked the only condition I want to make a call for donation and it worked out well actually I gathered almost $15,000 and I came back to the to the disaster area to support the victim and and do activities with the kids in the Survivor camps Etc and that was really a big part of my healing now I was I was still in touch with my friend and he went to India to fly again paragliding and then I was like I'm gonna come back I'm G to go with you and so we can go together reconnect a bit and and just yeah just just help to process all of that and so um I was talking to him about to fly to India like I think a week from that moment I was about to fly and then he's not answering me like that's bit odd the day after he not answering me neither like whoow and then I Reed a call from a friend who is saying that uh they found his body in the mountain he went for a flight and he crashed he got stuck in the clouds and then he HD he hit the rocks at 4,000 meters altitude and and he died there alone and you know I was barely coming back on my feet this was just putting me down so so much deeper again thinking like this is not fair this guy risked his life to help someone else and no he's it's just gone and again my my world collapsed the second time I was looking at this photograph from my team from the paragliding competition and I was the only one left alive on this photo you know it was this young guy he was 21 years old and then this other friend was also dead and like geez well I'm going to be next you know like this movie final destination when you have yeah like death is coming after the people who should be dying and I realize wait a second of course I'm going to be next I mean eventually I will die and I started thinking more about this like I got a second chance here for all those people who died all those people who didn't have the second chance I got the duty to make the most out of it at least to honor the memory right and so I was thinking about all of them and like I cannot live in this state of of victim anymore I can't live in this Darkness anymore because I got the chance to be still living today still breathing still there you know and so that day I promised myself you know what I'm I'm going to live every single day of my life to the fullest and I'm going to inspire others to do the same thing because not everyone will get a second chance in their life and I was a big promise I made to myself and that day I changed P perspectives because from being a victim I became a Survivor now the event Was the Same the pain was not different but suddenly the suffering starting fading away suddenly I had a purpose again you know I I realize that there are two truth we all going to die I'm sorry and nobody knows when I know it sounds creepy that's just how it is that's just life and we tend to live in denial of our own mortality right we tend to think that I'm immune to problems I'm going to live forever and so we live with the illusion of infinite time we keep postponing our best life for later I'm going to do that next week next month next year but based on what we don't know what's going to happen in the future time is a scare resource and when we are completely accepting our own it we can start living more intentionally we can start deciding how we want to show up and what we want to create in our life and that was the big shift for me because after that I was like okay great I'm going to live a great life what does that mean what does success mean how do I make the most out of it right and I went so deep in personal growth not only for me but for all the people that I lost there going from one thing to the other I realize how little I was living my life although I was living a great life you know I was traveling all around the world I still followed my dreams but still something was missing this idea of of purpose was [Music] missing sorry for the interruption this is Ian West Mand the founder of kugi Heroes and thank you for listening to this story from one of our amazing Heroes our mission is for these stories to provide hope and inspiration to people experiencing life challenges and to also educate the broader community on how best to provide support if you would like to help us continue to produce more Hero Stories and cover more adversity themes we would welcome all donations these can be made via our website kuki heroes.com Au the Donate function is at the bottom of the homepage we'd also welcome any feedback you can email me direct using Ian Atkin suih heroes.com now let's get back to the story I like to share this quote that sometimes beautiful gift come wrapped in ugly paper this was a very ugly paper very ugly but a beautiful gift inside I also realized that pain and suffering are not the same pain is a signal that we experience in our life it's it's an alarm it's telling us like something is wrong either physically or emotionally or mentally right suffering is what we do with that pain pain the moment we don't accept the pain we start creating suffering now kids are very good dealing with that if you see a little kid running around falling on the ground hurting himself be like Oh I'm in pain yelling screaming everything a few seconds later or a few minutes later running around and being so happy again right because they fully expressed how they felt and then they did what makes the most sense which is moving on because they cannot change what is they can only change their own inner stance and keep moving forward but we grow up and then we forgot all of that there is something painful happening in your life and like no I don't want it to happen and then we don't accept it and that creates suffering and we don't live well with that right and so I realize the difference between pain and suffering in that deciding to stop suffering because yes it's a decision is really EMP pouring but it doesn't make the pain go away it's not because you stop suffering that you're not in pain anymore you know those two things are different and sometimes I was thinking when I was going through this to this PTSD that well I started telling to people I'm doing better that was a few month after you know and like and I could imagine them thinking oh that must not have been that bad then no it's like if there's this social construct that oh you have a car accident you need to be to be depressed for at least two months you lose your arm at least at least a year you lose your partner at least two years or what is this suffering longer doesn't make the pain bigger it's two different things and I was really empowering to go through that now I have to say that if you would have told me just a week after how there is something good out of it how does that help you grow I would have punched you in the face because I was not in that space being able to receive that so I'm not telling people are going to throwa to say hey come on get your shit together and keep going absolutely not we need to have this phase of acceptance this phase of grievance this phase of of going through and navigating all those emotions that we are feeling right I can tell that my life completely changed thanks to that thing and in some ways I am grateful that this happened to me it changed my life for the better and and I'm really on a mission to inspire other people to live the best life I mean if you think that the tsunami is never going to happen to you I mean so did I so did I with think this car accident oh not to me losing my legs not to me cancer no to others not to me and we have this this feeling of going through life this way until it it hits your heart in the face like oh oh I should have changed before you know I also said I don't ever want to live with the desire to give a last phone call to someone like I wanted to do when to my wife when I was in that tree because you know when I was in the tree I was not thinking about my bank account about the new business I'm going to create about my car I was thinking about the people in my life I was I was seeing the smiles the faces and the experience and the feelings that I got through through all those adventures and and those moment connecting with others so how come I had to make a last phone call I don't want to live like this anymore I want to like if I die tomorrow I don't need to tell my parents I love them I don't need to tell my my friends I appreciate them to have them in my life I don't need to tell anyone because they all know and that's a way of showing up and I think when we live this way we live so much more aligned and authentically to who we are and how we want to show up right it takes practice it takes effort to redefine our life and decide how do I want to show up today right and that's I mean this work did not happen in two weeks obviously right it was the years of of yeah going on this journey of discovering who I am and how I want to show up in the world and no I'm I'm on this mission to support people to do the same thing in their life because we should not wait to have the divorce paper on the table before doing something about the relationship we should not wait to be sick in a hospital bed before saying like yeah I'm going to eat better I'm going to exercise now you know we should not wait to have the midlife crisis to actually do the thing that makes the most sense to our life so we should stop postponing our best life for later because it makes no sense to do so and I actually wrote a book about this story and I wrote a book to this this little girl my name is Zara that I saved in in in the double natural disaster actually I say I saved her but she saved me as much as I saved her because that day she gave me a purpose she gave me a reason to fight but I was nothing else she was just the only reason I wanted to to fight to keep her safe of course my wife my parents my family but there on the moment that was for her and so I wrote a book to her to share different lessons about how not to suck at life that's the title of the I just want to share it's the illusion of time I think this is the biggest message I want to give to the audience today is that please stop living with this illusion of infinite time because nobody can say what is in front of us starting living your best life today although it sounds a little bit blah blah but it's a choice it's a choice that you can make it's a choice that we should make because we can so we can grow through this empowerment we can grow through this hey what what if I take the time to actually think about what do I want out of life what does success means to me in my own metrics not on based on other people's metrics right how do I want to show up as a friend as a son as a brother as a partner as a parent what are the feelings that I want to experience on a daily basis how do I want to contribute in life I think this is something that we should be doing with kids at school I don't want to start on the education system but there was so many things missing there seriously how come adults have to trying to figure this out and then so not so many people actually figuring this out and like feeling lost after years and years how come we don't have those tools to give to kids and have this conversation about what is life all about anyway I think this is this never too late to do it and it's never too early to have this conversation so thank you so much for listening to this message I hope that's resonates with a lot of people oh wow fra thank you so so much I almost had to get up and go find the tissues um I think I still will after I after I say goodbye um there's so much in that story obviously you've written the book which thank you for writing the book what I really appreciate is a couple of things that you mentioned and one was you said we have this expectation as a society that we need to stay in suffering it's almost like we need to do the time and we need to pay Penance to make it sort of valid we need to validate our p Pain by the length of time we allow ourselves to stay St trapped in the suffering and yet the validation doesn't need to happen validated for who exactly I'm so happy you bring that up because this is something that it has been a bit controversial when I'm when I'm sharing that but I felt so mad in the Moment by saying no I have the right to tell people I'm doing better I mean PTSD is is there for long I still wake up in the night having nightmares when there's a truck passing by in the ground is vibrating my my body is is getting into into survival mode I mean this is not going away after even even four years you know but I'm saying that the daily suffering it's a choice to to decide like I'm I'm not going to stay stuck into that right and this idea of needing this external validation it's it's rubbish I mean sometimes we feel like I want the world to know that I suffer like sorry you just need to have that with yourself you should seek for help for sure before it's necessary I mean that that's one of the biggest recommendation again seek for help for professional help or just for friends for people who are there to support you absolutely but having this I don't know how I can explain with this desire that I want everyone to acknowledge my pain but that doesn't help you to deal with your pain having people pitting you it's it's not really helping right and every time that someone was coming to me said oh that must have been horrible like well imagine all these other people I was scratch here and there yes I lost friends but I saw those people I saw mothers crying with in front of the body of the of the babies of the kids laying there losing not only the the family maybe their husband the children their friends the the brother and sisters but also their house their belongings everything I don't deserve any of of your of your compassion right now there are people so much worse and there is always going to be someone worse than where we are you know and I think this book from Victor Frankle men search for meaning it had such a profound impact on me I read it just a few months after that and it helped me put things into perspective again um but realizing that this it is a choice of how do I want to feel and think and of course it's difficult I mean if it was easy there would not be PTSD of course and I think seeking for help is one of the most powerful things that we should be doing and too many people are afraid of being churched or feeling too vulnerable by asking for help around everybody has a different way of coping you know my way of coping was was going there and helping the people and and writing my book was very therapeutical for me because I had to put again all all those STS into paper and go deep into revisiting that and then sharing my story until I own my story you know I'm going to be shy to say I was sharing the story just a few minutes before and yeah I was I was my throat I felt like I want to share the te because their emotions are still there but I do own the story and I recognize the story as you know I could share the story with you saying I miraculously survived an earthquake in tsunami that killed 4,000 people and nearly died that's it or I could say I survived that and you know what it taught me it taught me on the shortness of life it taught me on the illusion of time it taught me on how to make the best of all my life and to support people in their quest in their own Journey as well this is so empowering it's just reframing the script and that's something we can all do because we all have pain in our lives we all have suffering and I'm so sorry to tell you that we're still going to have more pain I mean this is part of life having this ideal image of a life that is painfree completely certain and effortless I mean this is an ideal that was never going to come and that's why so many people are creting this snapshot of the perfect life and they go through it and then they live this this life and you realize well I'm still in pain it's still uncertain in front of me and I still have to do a lot of efforts and then they they go so disappointed but we actually it's about learning how to navigate adversity it's about giving yourself the tools to be able to use that when emotionally you're wreck because it's going to happen again and the best you are at navigating that the more you start creating happiness because you learn to enjoy the process of Life instead of only looking to one point in the future you enjoy getting there to use this metaphor the journey matters as much as the destination but this is so true that we just have a hard time to assimilate that to understand it at a core and so we keep thinking it's going to be better later The Best Is Yet To Come I had this code written in my living room for so long The Best Is Yet To Come I like okay but this is also rubbish because the the best is now later I'm also going to have problems do you have problems aelyn yeah you do you're going to have more in the future and you had in the past the idea is to focus on how can we change the context of our problem how can we have better or higher quality problem and this is to me personal growth it's creating better problems in your life hopefully their listeners understand that you didn't just walk away from that disaster and suddenly become like you know have this download of inspiration and get to the point that you're at now it it comes with a lot of growth time you had to work through stuff you had to look at yourself and and I can see that from what you're sharing you've been through that metamorphosis of the suffering into hey I have a choice what was it that I went through what did I learn from this I love the fact that yes whilst your disaster was one that not many people will go through it was the words to describe it's like out of a movie was I might not go through something like that in my life I'll still go through challenges we all will and that's the point allowing people to see that there's a different way they can experience their life yeah because everybody can relate to my story through their story not to a tsunami per se because that's very rare but the tsunami for you was I don't know losing a closed one a car accident or whatever it is you know we all have that the context doesn't really matter you know it's it's about the the problem itself the adversity that we have to overcome is the same you know the feeling of Despair the feeling of frustration the feeling of anger I mean doesn't matter how it's created it's the same feeling I have a chapter in my book that says about money because you know a lot of time we think that it's going to be better when you have more money Etc that's very fascinating how we can trick ourselves with all of this because to be honest a millionaire that is depressed or someone who barely making making meeting the ends that is depressed feel the same way I mean of course the rich person is depressed on his private yard maybe it feels a bit more Comfort obviously but the feeling is the same and the idea of oh but when I have this when I'm there when I do that it's going to be better that's an illusion it's not true whatever you experience now you're going to experience the same later in a different context and so that's why I'm sharing my story the context doesn't matter the different steps and the tools and and the growth that comes everybody can use that absolutely one of the other key highlights I think that just came to me was this the concept of time which is based on it's all around the name of the book and that we only really have now and we don't know when our time is up nobody does and I I just want to play a bit on the words here um first thing about time is that I think s Guru is saying that every second it's not time but your life that is passing away and that's quite confronting to think that yeah every day you're a little closer to your death as scary as it sound but that's uring the same time like hey I need to I need to do things right now I need to choose I need to make peace with time because all of the stuff I want to do in my life are probably not going to be able to do all everything and so I need to focus on what matters the most that was the first thing and then talking about purpose you know I got so much overwhelmed and frustration around purpose because even after that I mean I did not wake up one day thinking oh this is what I'm going to do in life right as you said it's a process and I was like I want to find my purpose and I was looking for my purpose but I couldn't find it anywhere because I realized your purpose is not really something you find it's something you create and I'm really careful in language because when you when you look for it you're not going to find it but when you start creating it it comes from a complete different energy a different mindset and our purpose is changing because I know probably people listening like I don't know what my purpose is my life is is empty you know that's that's a feeling that I had and I I think a lot of people feel the same when they don't know and so just let this go because the purpose is created and it's created over time and it's going to change over time and so we need to to make peace with purpose as well and trusting life that it's going to come and one last note about trusting life is probably your life is not always the way you want to you know we make plans and does not happen because this is life this is unpredictable this is this is just how it is but what I learned also is that trusting life is really important to stop fighting what's happening to you what you can a change and I lost my faith in the universe or whatever you want to call it but I regained it by thinking I want to trust life to give me what I need and it's not going to be always what I want and I'm going to have to make peace with that but with time although I cannot see the good in the situation right now with time I trust that I will be able to see how this turned out for the better really lovely words thank you I'm so grateful for your sharing um your story for you for showing up and what you bring I like to ask our guests the same question at the end and okay not many people have gone through a tsunami but the question is if there's someone listening to this who can resonate with your story in some way and it could be that they've had their own version of a tsunami in their life you know is there anything sort of parting words that you'd like to leave them with seek for help and that's something I didn't do at first and I'm a kind of guy who I do myself you know maybe my milit training conditioned me a little bit of my big ego took over like no I'm going to do myself but it's just wasting time I mean surrounding ourselves with people who can supporters I think everybody should have a coach and a therapist I mean that that should be the minimum to create an amazing life because we all have traumas and we all going to keep having more traumas and so learning how to deal with those traumas and then emping yourself to construct a better future you know it's is working on the past and working on the future while being truly present this is this is the magic I'm not saying I figure it out I'm still working on it but we know the process and once again maybe it takes a whole lifetime to do that maybe three I don't know but trusting the process and knowing that we always have a choice although it's very uncomfortable sometimes to say do I have a choice here maybe it's not always your fault whatever situation you're in but you do can take ownership of some part of it even if it's only the way you respond to it thank you for coming it's been an absolute joy and a privilege to speak with you today thank you so much for having me I really appreciate it we hope you've enjoyed this episode of kugi Heroes please like and share the show to your friends so we can get this out to even more people if you have a story you'd like to share with us please reach out using the contact details below and join us next week for our next Heroes story until then keep being you and remember that we are all heroes in our own unique way only when it's broken only when it's broken when it hits you in the middle of a night and the truth Burns so bright only when it's broken only when it's broken take pride in those cries it's only for tonight and then you rise only when you broken only when you broken
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Purpose is not something you find; it is something you create over time, and it will change as you grow, so you have to trust the process rather than wait to discover it.
This conversation includes a kid with dreadlocks who wanted to be a commando, nine years in the commandos, then the voice saying there is more, quitting everything to sail the world, meeting his wife on a small island in indonesia, always looking ahead, never where he is and the ground starts shaking.
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