Chris Edwards · 57 min
A father who lost his son to suicide and nearly lost himself to addiction has turned a lifetime of pain into a grassroots movement giving men permission to not be okay.
Hear this story
Chris Edwards is a Year 4 teacher in his first year, a volunteer mental health support worker, and the founder of a men's walking group. Two and a half years ago, his son Josh died by suicide. In the months after, Chris's therapist and wife pushed him to find community. He joined a men's walking group called Walk It Off, then helped launch his own branch in Warragamba. The walking, the space to think, and the company of other men shifted something in his grief. It gave him focus when everything felt impossible.
But this story does not start with Josh. It starts much earlier, in a house filled with domestic violence, where Chris learned at a young age that some things cannot be spoken about. At 14, suicidal and carrying pain he had no words for, he stopped himself because of his cat, Marmalade. He spent his teens and twenties using substances to numb what he could not process. At 30, after eight months of daily heroin use, he made a decision to stop everything in one night. His body seized. He spent three months relearning how to walk and talk. He met his wife Jo while working security, told her he was damaged, and chose to stay. He built a life.
Chris carries the lesson from his father about honesty and integrity. He learned from Josh, who was an artist and digital creator, deeply empathetic and quietly carrying the pain of students around him without telling his parents. Josh was helping people while struggling himself. Now Chris creates spaces where men can cry, be silent, or speak, without being told what to do. He measures what matters by the time he has left, not by avoiding hurt. Time is precious. That is the point.
⚠️ Content advisory: this episode discusses addiction & recovery, domestic & family violence and suicide & self-harm prevention, which some listeners may find distressing.
If you need support, you're not alone. Help is available: • SMART Recovery Australia (addiction): smartrecoveryaustralia.com.au • ReachOut: au.reachout.com • 1800RESPECT (family, domestic & sexual violence): 1800 737 732 · 1800respect.org.au • Lifeline (24/7 crisis support): 13 11 14 · lifeline.org.au
“I'm probably two and a half years since my son passed by suicide and that's been the major catalyst in what's going on in my life outside of work.”
“I've had resilience thrust upon me — forged in fire.”
“My drive at the moment is minimising the stigma around mental health.”
The hero, today
Chris learned to ask himself 'who's your Marmalade' when supporting others at Walk It Off, naming the idea that everyone needs at least one person or connection that grounds them and gives them a reason to stay. After accepting his own anger at 30, Chris was able to move away from substance abuse, understanding that acknowledging what he felt was the starting point for genuine change. Chris carries the lesson from his dad that honesty and integrity matter: taking ownership of situations you've created, rather than blaming circumstances, is how you move forward. Josh was helping other students carry emotional weight without offloading his own burden, and Chris now sees that as vicarious trauma; he teaches people it is okay to ask for help and to be real about what they are carrying. Chris measures what matters now by how much time he has left, not by avoiding pain or building a perfect life: he says yes to opportunities like traveling to America with his wife because he knows time is finite.
Yes. Chris Edwards is a real person who shared their own story in their own words. Kintsugi Heroes is a not-for-profit that shares first-person stories of overcoming adversity, told with the person's consent.
Kintsugi Heroes, a registered Australian not-for-profit. Every story is shared with the hero's own consent and reviewed under Kintsugi Heroes' trauma-informed content standard before it goes public.
Chris learned to ask himself 'who's your Marmalade' when supporting others at Walk It Off, naming the idea that everyone needs at least one person or connection that grounds them and gives them a reason to stay.
After accepting his own anger at 30, Chris was able to move away from substance abuse, understanding that acknowledging what he felt was the starting point for genuine change.
Chris carries the lesson from his dad that honesty and integrity matter: taking ownership of situations you've created, rather than blaming circumstances, is how you move forward.
John Milham (Host) · 00:00
Kintsugi Heroes acknowledges funding and was made possible with support from the Community Broadcasting Foundation. Find out more at cbf.org.au.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 00:18
Welcome to the Kintsugi Heroes podcast, where we share inspirational stories of everyday people going through different challenges and how they overcome them. Please be aware that the story you're about to hear may have moments of deeply felt emotions and personal experiences. If anything you hear has a triggering effect, please reach out to someone who can help keep you safe.
John Milham (Host) · 00:42
If you love this conversation, we'd love you to like and share it with your friends so we can continue to share more inspiration and hope to as many people as possible.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 00:52
Now listen up for our next hero story.
John Milham (Host) · 00:56
In this episode, We bring you the inspiring journey of Chris Edwards, a teacher and mental health advocate. Chris faced immense challenges from a young age, including domestic violence, self-harm, and substance abuse.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 01:16
He struggled with childhood trauma, identity issues, and severe addiction, but found healing through sharing stories and walking. Chris overcame multiple life-changing events like seizures, a car accident, to become sober and direct his energy into helping others with mental health initiatives. Chris's path to recovery is an incredible and inspiring journey. Enjoy this one with Chris Edwards.
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Josh was helping other students carry emotional weight without offloading his own burden, and Chris now sees that as vicarious trauma; he teaches people it is okay to ask for help and to be real about what they are carrying.
This conversation includes who chris is now, teaching kids who struggle to regulate, reaching out to walk it off, the walk to tarragul and what it gave him, sitting under the bottle tree with a runaway letter and marmalade and the moment he chose to stay.
John Milham (Host) · 01:46
Chris, welcome, uh, and, uh, to all the listeners, welcome again to another, uh, conversation in Kintsugi Heroes: Stories That Matter. And today we're talking to Chris Edwards, who has quite a story. Morning, Chris.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 02:01
Morning, John. How we going?
John Milham (Host) · 02:03
Mate, I am terrific and I'm looking forward to a chat. And of course we had a pre-recording chat and you have quite a roller coaster of a story to share. So thank you for coming on and I know you're a a teacher, someone who works with, um, kids with certain behavioral challenges and, and, uh, situational challenges, but you've had a very varied, um, journey to that place. So I thought I might ask you to share with the listeners today, maybe who you are now, right? Like just a little bit of what you do and what drives you. And then we perhaps can wander back to where it all began.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 02:47
Yeah, yeah, definitely. So, um, who I am now is, um, like you said, I'm a teacher. I teach Year 4 students. Um, it's my first year in teaching. I've been studying for the last 5 years. Um, I had to do a bridging course because I didn't finish high school, but, uh, in the time that I've been studying, I worked as a teacher's aide. Um, and the support I provided in the classroom was, uh, one-on-one with behavioural support for the children who couldn't, or not that they couldn't, but struggled to regulate themselves if they felt under pressure with the learning or just the daily routine, if that was changed slightly, if there was a surprise assembly or something like that. So, and also outside of work, I got my volunteer work as well as a volunteer mental health support worker with the Grassroots Mental Health Initiative, Wokodok, and we actually launched a group in Warragamba this year, which is my group, which I helped get going. So I've been meeting with different people in the community to get that going. So it's been going for 7 weeks now.
John Milham (Host) · 03:57
Wow.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 03:58
But yeah, so, but amongst all that, um, I'm probably 2 and a half years, 2 and a half years, um, since my son passed by suicide. And that's been the major catalyst in, in what's going on in my life outside of work. Um, particularly with setting up at Walk It Off and providing a space for people, particularly men. It's a men's mental health initiative. Find a space that they can just be themselves, whether they want to talk about things or just walk or just have a coffee. Some people may just come for a coffee and go back home and that's okay. It's a whole concept of you be you, you come along and if you need that space, we've got that space for you. If you need to have a chat, we're here to chat. And then we provide a little feed afterwards just to enable that conversation a little bit further, you know, just, yep. So, um, basically that's where I am now and what I'm about now. So, teaching and supporting those in the community that need it.
John Milham (Host) · 05:01
So you create, you started a branch of Walk It Off, which was an initiative that was reaching out to provide a venue for men to connect and care and share.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 05:11
Yep.
John Milham (Host) · 05:12
So tell me a little bit. So you reached out to Walk It Off because of your need to deal with Josh's passing. Is that?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 05:23
Yeah, so I, um, I reached out to Walk It Off in August last year, and that was a big push from my therapist for one, but also my wife who could see that obviously I was not dealing with things. I could probably work maybe 4 or 5 weeks at a time before I'd have to have days off because I just wasn't coping. You know, I'd try and have that work there to have that routine to to manage the grief and the loss, the depression, the crap that comes with that. But it was coming up to every 6 weeks at least. Uh, I'd, I'd have to stop and I'd stop for 4 or 5 days.
John Milham (Host) · 06:03
Was that the nature, uh, like just because, uh, the process of resolving, like what, what was happening for you?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 06:10
Uh, for, for me, I guess it was that I've just, and I'm sure we'll get into it later, but I've just got this process of just getting on with things. You know, I can deal with this later. I'll, I'll move forward now. Yes, it's a focus I need to look at, but it's not a not, it's, it's not a now thing. It's a, it's a, I'm gonna put it in a box to deal with it after. Yeah. That's what I was trying to do. And it just wasn't working, Mike. And so my therapist said, said, I've got a couple of clients. They meet with this, this other group, um, walking group. Uh, but there may be another one. You could reach out for. And just out of a conflict of interest, I didn't want to join the same group with her clients. So I, I looked around, I found the group Springwood Walk It Off, which is the, uh, the initial group that started and, uh, back in August. And yeah, so it's just walk with them. And it was the first, it was a 3.5K walk, which is about 40 minutes, pretty easy, pretty level ground. It was the most exercise I'd done in like 3 years. And, uh, so I was, I was gassed. I was tired afterwards. I'm like, this is ridiculous. That's 3.5k. What sort of physical shape am I in that I'm this tired after a short walk like that? It's not a, it wasn't a heavy pace either. It's just this casual pace. So I started going to that, uh, that group. Um, they always meet on Wednesdays, met with the blokes there. From that, um, first night I, I felt a real connection that this could be something for me. Um, and they talked about, that's crazy. They talked about, uh, walking to Tarragul to launch a Tarragul group. So that was the first night I went home and I, I said to Jo, my wife, I said, oh, there's this idea floating around that we're gonna walk to Tarragul in October. So it's only 2 months, you know, it was a very short time to train. She goes, okay, you can do it. And I was like, I'm not sure that's the answer I wanted to hear. I was wanting to hear, no, that's crazy, stop it. But, uh, but she's been amazing in supporting me in this, uh, different kind of, uh, cathartic process, I guess, of getting out there and being amongst people and hearing other people's hurts, uh, stresses. And it's, but also sharing mine and just having that space to find out that and to know that it's okay with not being okay.
John Milham (Host) · 08:39
I'm really interested in how that helped you, right? So you, you with a bunch of blokes, you turn up, you realize you probably need the exercise, but there's a, you know, there's a journey there. Therapy has been helping. There's a whole thing to help you. When you connect with these guys who walk on a Wednesday night and then there's a big project and that turns things around for you, or starts—
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 09:05
it gave me a focus, gave me a drive to, to most just focus to do something different. And it was something different for me. And within doing that, I had space to think because you're not always talking. Like some of our training sessions that we had were 20K walk. So you're not always gonna be talking at 20Ks. You're gonna be in your head a fair bit. So you're able to mull over some things and, and process and, and memories. Another thing that helps me is I, I write a lot, or I use my phone, or I voice record my thoughts in my phone. So, um, I'm, I've become quite reflective over, over the years. And find that with having the space to be reflective through walking and hearing stories and sharing stories. Um, that was a, a major, um, aspect of my recovery. So from, from this grief and as my, as Joe She says now launching Waragamba is just an extension of that healing process. She sees the positives in my, my character, I guess, and how it's changed me. She now goes, sees me, if I'm starting to slump, she goes, go for a walk. Let's go for a walk. And I'll kind of debate with her, but I know I need to go for a walk. I need to go through that space.
John Milham (Host) · 10:40
Really relatable, mate. And, um, you know, I love the metaphor of you walking in parallel with the recovery from John, you know, from the grief of losing John. I want to now thank you for giving us a snapshot of something so massive. Of course, everybody has developed the experience to go through or reach a point in their life, right? So if you go, we go right back to the beginning, um, you of course had a series of, of things in your life that, you know, in some ways prepare you for the unpreparable, the unimaginable. Tell us a little bit about who you were as a kid and, and what that was like.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 11:27
Yeah, life when I was a kid, uh, it's, it's strange as a kid, you kind of think you know, this is kind of normal, you know, this, this life, this is, this is okay. But when I think back to things like I was thinking, reflecting on this the other day, just going, this is ridiculous that those thoughts were with me at such a young age. But I remember sitting underneath the bottle tree outside the back door and I had a piece of paper and a crayon and I was writing a, a runaway letter basically to get away. I screwed it up because I thought I'd get in trouble. If they found out I ran away. But the reason why I wanted to run away, because even at that age, I knew that that wasn't a safe place. That wasn't a healthy environment. The environment I grew up in was through domestic violence. There was always a lot of screaming, hitting, everyone kind of against each other sort of thing. So yeah, that, that, that was basically how my childhood went. And I've met people over the years, probably my mid-20s. I met this lady that used to live up the road. I used to play with her son. She was on the train. I'll come home from work. She goes, is that Chris? Chris, is that you? I'm like, yeah, it's me. What's up? Who are you? Like, I didn't recognize her. She told me who she was. Okay. And she goes, do you remember Anthony from when you used to come to our house? Because you used to come to our house and used to It's been tears and crying saying they're fighting again, they're fighting again. I was like, that's crazy. I don't remember those things. So it's, it's stories like that that really, um, put my ideas about how my life was in a firmer place because from those experiences with domestic violence, there's also the, the code that goes around that you can't talk about what happens at home.
John Milham (Host) · 13:18
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 13:19
So that's an ingrained learnt understanding. So when you go to try and process through that, you question yourself. It's, you wonder how much of it is actually true. So yeah, but another major, uh, incident I had was when I was 14 is, is I started to cut. I burned as well. But I was suicidal and when I was 14, I was prepared to, to take that step. I had wrote no letter. I just wanted things to stop. It's not that I wanted to die, it's just that I wanted things to stop. So I'm sitting there on the edge of my bed and I see my cat, whose name was Marmalade, and I'm like, if I take this step, Who's gonna look after my cat? Like, who's gonna look after Marmalade? I, I don't know how long I had him at that point, but it wasn't much longer that he passed because I must have had him from a young age. I was 14, he was probably 12 then. So I'd had him all my life and he was my best friend. And so I didn't know who was gonna look after him and that basically stopped me in my tracks. I knew I had to care for this. Which strangely enough has become a bit of a statement to me when I'm talking to people, particularly at Walk It Off. I ask, who's your marmalade? Who's your support person? You know, I'm happy to be that support person. We, we at Walk It Off are happy to be that marmalade for you.
John Milham (Host) · 14:53
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 14:54
And I've learned over the years that, um, through different trials that I've been through, I've collected different marmalades depending on what I need to discuss.
John Milham (Host) · 15:05
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 15:06
So I've got people out there that I've talked to them after. I've told them, you know, you're basically a marmalade. This is why I call you marmalade, because you can help me with this situation, or you can help me with— from that, I move forward. I had other issues with my identity and working out who I was as a person, but from about 16 I realized that I need to seek more stable support. So I sought out people, I sought out, um, they could help me understand who I was as a person or, but that sounds like a really mature response.
John Milham (Host) · 15:46
Do you mind if I, uh, just sort of go back a little bit to, you know, the 13, 14-year-old who is, ends up being, um, Through the, you know, gaze of a ginger cat called Marmalade, right? Ends up staying with us. Right. So you, you said you, it wasn't about dying. You were, you know, just wanted it to stop. What was, you know, like what was happening for you? Right. What, what, what was triggering things that you were self-harming and, and getting to the point of suicide?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 16:19
I was, Having a lot of issues with, uh, my identity as a person. And there was a strong religious, uh, backing that in the household that, you know, you couldn't be anything but heterosexual. You could be gay, you could be bi, you could be this, that, the other. By that time I already had a sexual arrest and that was with another guy and consensual. Um, so there was that, I can't be a person because I've just broken that law, I've broken that, uh, rule. Um, there was also an arc which I've, through therapy, identified, you know, the sexual abuse that I had at the hands of others. Um, and it was really confusing at the time because something I remembered The details was sleep paralysis that I was having. So I'd wake up and I, I couldn't move. Uh, and I had this nightmare of this shadow holding me down. And that was just the, through the therapy I've been through, the, the, uh, understanding that I've been sexually abused. So, and that stayed with me though. I've dealt with that probably till my mid-20s with sleep paralysis stuff. So, but understanding that. That was because of the trauma I'd been through, not just some airy fairy nightmare that I was having. It's a real thing. Yeah. So that, that's essentially where I was at when I was 13, 14. There's something not right with me. I can't talk to anyone because my only person I can talk to is the ginger cat.
John Milham (Host) · 18:02
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 18:03
And he can't help me much. Let's be honest. So what else options do I have? I need this noise. I need this, this agony to stop.
John Milham (Host) · 18:16
Yeah. So were you looking for a voice of wisdom or a voice of escape or a voice, you know, of love? What were you looking for?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 18:26
I, I guess at the end of it, there is that wisdom, that, that love, that validation that I'm okay as a person.
John Milham (Host) · 18:35
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 18:36
And that's taken you years. Like from that point when I was 14, it took me till I was 30 to accept myself as a person. And that was the ultimate validation, I guess I was, I was seeking. Yeah. It's not from others, but from myself. So understanding that regardless of my sexuality, Regardless of my depression, my anxiety, what I've done, I had to validate myself. And at that point when I was 30, it was the validation that I was angry, that I was an angry person because of all this hurt, this pain. I had to accept the fact that to a degree, not that I condone it, that I was okay with being angry. Yeah. And that mindset needed to change. And from that acknowledgement, that's when I really start to move forward. Um, rather than going forward than slipping back and going, what's the problem? You know, thinking it might be alcoholism or, you know, being addicted to alcohol or substances, which I was at the time. That's when I was 30. So once I acknowledged that, I was able to move forward to stepping away from that. Substance abuse.
John Milham (Host) · 19:52
So you, you mean, you talk about substance abuse. So there you are as a, you know, teen or early 20s and, you know, you're trying to deal with the unimaginable and, you know, the lack of resources around that to, to deal with it. So, so much so that your best friend was a cat. How did substances enter your life and what problem did they solve?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 20:14
Um, they didn't really solve any problems, I'm afraid, Paul. But, um, so When I was 14, again, around that age, it's a little bit crazy, the timeline, but yeah, it's around that age that I started binge drinking, which of course led to, uh, which was the culture at the time, really, which was a culture at the time. And, and, but that also leads into, you know, avenues of use marijuana and that sort of thing. That was my main vice was alcohol and marijuana until, uh, probably in my mid-20s where I started to use heavier substances. So, uh, speed, that sort of stuff. So, and that really ramped up to when I was 30 at the, cuz we stepped back, an exit point out of the house where I was growing up was to get married basically. So I got married and I had, I had 3 little kids from that marriage, but when At 29, that marriage broke apart. One, because of the unresolved issues I had were impacting on that relationship. And, uh, and recognizing that journey just wasn't progressing any further than what it was, even though we've got the kids. And that was a great stress on me because my dad left when I was 9. Um, he— I found out he left because he was being abused by my mum, but he didn't talk about that. But I had this idea that as a male, as a head male of the family, my eldest male, I had to carry on that family name. I had to maintain that figurehead, basically.
John Milham (Host) · 21:58
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 21:58
Um, Dad's relationship broke up. It was a promise to myself that this relationship breakup.
John Milham (Host) · 22:05
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 22:05
But that's a silly thinking really. Like, I don't really know what's happening around the corner. And because I hadn't dealt with other issues, it was, it was bound to happen. Um, yeah, looking back, that's what happened. And that led me into a rather heavy 8-month period of heavy narcotic use.
John Milham (Host) · 22:28
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 22:28
On a daily basis. And after the 8 months, that's when I came to that realization of who I was as a person and I need to stop. So I did, and I've come up to 12 years sober from narcotics. Wow.
John Milham (Host) · 22:44
That's such an amazing, you know, turning point, you know, with so much. Was it about rock bottom or was it just like an accumulation of of momentum, or I guess you could say it was rock bottom.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 23:01
Um, I was in the security industry at that point, probably halfway through a 16-year career in security, and I was involved in working in clubs. So there was an environment there where I could obtain what I needed, and the means by obtaining that were were not friendly things. So that was a really, that was another point of acknowledging that I like being angry and I need to fix this. So that when you talk about rock bottom, I was living in the cheapest rental I could find. I was living to pay for the fuel for my car. I had no insurance on my car cause I decided to not use that cause I needed to supply my need. I was living off cheap baked beans and 2-minute noodles and party pies. Basic, basic foods to get by, to supply my need.
John Milham (Host) · 24:01
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 24:02
And at the time I thought it was okay. I thought that was great life, you know, despite the fact that I had rare moments of being sober. Um, so I look back on these photos from back then. Parties I had at my place. I'm like, how did I not realize, you know, how cooked this situation was? Like, yeah, yeah.
John Milham (Host) · 24:26
So just too much fun with party pies and baked beans, mate.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 24:30
That's it, that's it, that's it. So, um, but yeah, it was, it was, it was probably a good analogy that, yeah, it was rock bottom for me. Like, this, this is, yeah. What's going on if I, if this is the meals I'm having?
John Milham (Host) · 24:45
Yeah. And of course at work you were often interacting violently with people.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 24:53
Very violent. Yeah.
John Milham (Host) · 24:54
Yeah. So was that an outlet or, you know, like you say, you enjoyed being angry. What was that?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 25:00
I think it was an outlet. I think it was, you know, an unacknowledged rage and anger at the crap, you know, I had enough of the crap. Um, because at that time I was also started talking to my dad again because I stopped talking to him for a while cuz mum said he was the abuser, he was the instigator in these situations. And through talking to him and talking to one of my sisters, I pieced together these puzzle pieces and from my own fractured memories. I could put these things together through my sister's stories. They, they validated my dad's story and I could work out who, who was the main instigator in my own life. I, I started talking to him and, um, I could see that the crap that was going on and being frustrated with that. I've been lied to for so long. I've missed out on a relationship with this fan of such integrity and honesty and faith because I believe these stories, which you think you should believe stories from your mum. Yeah. Ultimately, you know, I'm not saying, you know, that that was wrong for me to believe her.
John Milham (Host) · 26:19
Well, you're a kid, mate. How are you gonna work it out?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 26:20
As a kid, you got— yeah, she's my sole guardian at the moment. And so, yeah, so Yeah, I was just tired of the crap and I think that was my outlet was just, you know, someone else.
John Milham (Host) · 26:32
So here we are at 30, your first wife has left. You've got young kids that, you know, relationship with is a bit dodgy. Um, you're in a, you know, you're working in an industry that is challenging for wellbeing, um, lifestyle wellbeing. Um, how on earth do you open the door to something different?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 26:54
It was getting sober, and that was a literal, literal shock to my system. Um, I had a moment of sobriety where I thought, I've got to get sober. So I stopped everything in one night. Everything stopped. And that was not the best way to do it. That, um, did not work out too well for me. I was at a mate's place and I was finishing off a drink. I went, I don't feel right. And he goes, what's wrong? I've gotta go home. He goes, mate, we've barely started. I said, I, I've gotta go. I knew there was some urgency. I had to get home. He didn't live too far from my place and I'm driving and I can feel convulsions happening in my abdomen. And I've been familiar with seizures before and I, I knew that this was what's going to be happening. So I knew I had to get home real quick. These seizures weren't explained to me properly until this episode. Uh, basically I went into, had two seizures that night. Now the hospital was lucky enough, just next door to me, literally. Relieved. I walked myself into the ED the next day and said, I've had two seizures last night. I'm gonna have more. I, I can tell you that now. Said, all right, we'll observe you. Put me into observation. I had another 2 seizures there. Um, with my seizures, because they're, uh, pseudo seizures that were based around anxiety, uh, that, that was the root cause of it basically. Um, I'm conscious, so I'm able to see things. I aren't able to communicate, but I can see what's going on, which doesn't help the situation. It's causing more stress. So I've looked over to the monitor with my heart rate and I saw that my heart rate was at 224 beats a minute. I remember that clearly. Yeah. And I thought, I thought I was gonna die. I'm like, this is it. You know, I'm not gonna die from, you know, some feud with some person in the club or ODing on something I've shoved up your nose or something.
John Milham (Host) · 28:59
Mm-hmm.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 28:59
It's, it's here when I'm trying to get well again. I think I spent about 2 to 3 days in the hospital and because of my proximity to the hospital, they kept me as an outpatient. Yeah. And they basically described my event as an adjustment disorder, adjusting to these massive changes I've had to living alone, to getting sober, everything combined. It just, my brain just wanted to reset. What happened with that as well is obviously your body goes through fatigue and with a standard seizure, you can be fatigued, you can have been muscle weakness. This was next level. I lost pretty much— I appeared as if I was a stroke patient. I had droopy face. I had to drag in my right leg. I made a cane out of an old bit of branch I found. And for 3 months, I recognized where I was at, and I taught myself to walk and talk again, basically. It's probably, that was a November, October-ish of 2012. So 3 months on from that, it's about February. I'm functioning better. I'm getting back into work and I realize I can't go back to that place. Like, that's it. It's done. Come March, I'm looking back, I see this as a, uh, my second chance.
John Milham (Host) · 30:29
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 30:30
Comes into my life, which is my wife, Jo. So, um, I remember dates and times a bit like Rain Man sometimes.
John Milham (Host) · 30:38
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 30:39
Like I know it was 12:02 on March 2nd AM, um, that I met Jo, um, 2013, because we just moved everyone from the outside bar to the main bar, closed off the outside. In my joint security, and she was there having a few drinks with girlfriends. And from that, that's where I started to move forward in becoming a better Crips, better person. It was rocky to start with because I said to her, 3 months in, that's it, we're done, it's not gonna happen. She's like, uh, what, a little bit confused? I said, bottom line is I'm an asshole, I'm damaged, I'm going to cause you pain. And I was honest with her. I fucked her. Well, she can't remember this conversation. She just remembers being frustrated that I stopped things for a month. But, um, after some consideration, about a week or two later, I said, all right, I'm doing the deal. Let's go. We're going to do this. We're going to stick by each other thick and thin, whatever happens. That's it. So we made that decision. That's where we are now. Like, Regardless of what's going on, it's not stopping. It's gonna keep going. We can get through this. And it's definitely thrown us some challenges to, to prove to us that we can get through this. Mm-hmm. Because a month later I had a major car accident, fell asleep at the wheel, and how I survived is ridiculous. Uh, I took out 7 trees just underneath the Dawson Bridge. Uh, well, passenger side door was crumpled against the T-bar, but of course I had no insurance, so then I had a massive debt. I didn't know you could talk down insurance companies until I— they— I owed $15 grand to another, uh, person because I totaled their car as well. And, uh, I talked him down to $10,000, and, uh, I said, I'll see what I can do. And Joe's dad actually gave me the money to Well, get me through that. I'm like, it's not a second chance. Because I asked my dad, you know, I need some money. But that's like, you got yourself in this mess, right? Take some ownership, get yourself out. And, um, they're the lessons I've learned from my dad is be honest with yourself, have the integrity to know what situation it is and who is actually at fault for that situation. And that's just another bit of a toolkit for my reflective.
John Milham (Host) · 33:08
So you were, you were, you did that. When one thing changes, everything changes. That, uh, you were injured?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 33:17
Done. Um, 3 cracked ribs and a bruise on my right shoulder. So yeah, everyone's like, how did you survive? Like, I'm like, I don't know, it's providence, whatever you want to call it, you know. And that time I actually wasn't speeding. Like, everyone thinks I was being a hoon again. I'm like, I wasn't actually speeding. I remember seeing the, um, turn off of Morissette, and then I remember seeing the back of the car that I hit, that I spun off the road. So that's about a 10— if you know that road, it's about 10 minutes of driving. There's 10 minutes I can't recall. Yeah, before I hit that car. So yeah, that accident happened. And then in the August of that year, my father passed, which was a massive blow. Um, I only knew him really for 3 years, um, to actually build bridges, make me feel like, good, I've got someone I could lean on, someone who's solid. And, uh, he passed. About a month or so later, my ex-wife goes, I'm going back to Melbourne. Because that's where I'm originally from. Yeah, she's— I'm going back to Melbourne, uh, taking the kids with. And I gave her a verbal confirmation, so that's it. She took the kids to Melbourne, so then I had to deal with that as well.
John Milham (Host) · 34:39
So what was during this time of great upheaval and change for you? What, what was happening with your kids?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 34:47
Not too sure, to be honest. I was trying to maintain a relationship. I was driving because I moved from Gosford down to Penrith. So I was trying to maintain that relationship and I was doing the transporting back and forth each week. But, uh, so I was seeing the reckon my youngest, uh, she has chromosomal translocation. So basically she's got too much of chromosome 9, too little of chromosome act, so that creates cognitive delays and developmental delays, becomes another stressor. Anyways, my oldest, she, she's very much mum's girl. So, uh, strangely enough, she's very— been raised in a very similar situation where mum's manipulated in my opinion. Not long after that, she was about 12, Probably 2 years after that, she stopped communicating with me really. So I really haven't had a good conversation with her since she was 14. She's 21 now. And of course my youngest, she is nonverbal, but I see her every fortnight on Zooms. I do my best with, got something called a Proloquo2Go, which is like a language pad, keywords, that sort of thing. I know a little bit of Auslan to communicate with her. And then there's Josh, who really just kind of stuck in the middle. He was a bit like me, really. He was wanting to be more, but I guess he felt restricted as well. And as he grew up, I could see characters of myself in him.
John Milham (Host) · 36:31
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 36:33
Not just his arty self and curious self, but you know, just an early understanding of things just aren't quite right. He came to live with us in 2016 because his mum basically said, I can't care for him anymore. Can you care for him? Of course. So from that time, that's when I had the major influence in his life for the better, where he was able to go to school because mum was trying to homeschool him in community schools. It was something I was pushing for, was to get them to school because 2010 we traveled, no, 2009 we traveled for a year and that's when we started homeschooling. While we traveled it worked. When we settled, I was like, we had a homeschooling community that was great, but everything started to fall apart with that community. Relationships fell apart. And so that's where I said they need to start going to an actual school. They need that. But, uh, Mum persisted with the homeschooling. Tried to do a bit of schooling with him, but, uh, didn't quite work. But when Josh came up here, it was like, no use, no buts, you're going to school. And it was a struggle. It was a hard, hard trot through, but he, he did really well developing himself and understanding the social protocols that needed to be— manners, basic manners, letting people know where, where you're going. Because we told him, we told him that when he started up at school, you need to listen to your teacher, because we said your teacher, not every teacher.
John Milham (Host) · 38:04
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 38:04
When he had an upset with another teacher, that wasn't his core teacher, so it went, you know, didn't go too well, and they lost him at school. And because he was, you know, slight of frame, he was quite a small lad then, uh, he was easily able to hide in different places. It was the hiding back in his classroom, made his teachers, even though that looked different, but it's because he, that person who was giving him directions wasn't his teacher.
John Milham (Host) · 38:32
He pulled a fast one on the, uh, yeah, manipulated the, the advice. Um, sounds, uh, and I hope, uh, you are, you know, is it all right if I ask you about Josh?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 38:45
Yeah, it kept going.
John Milham (Host) · 38:47
Yeah, mate. Um, was he, you know, obviously, you know, he'd been with his mum for a while. What was, uh, Josh like as a bloke, as a young man?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 38:57
It was a funny, funny little thing. Um, he wasn't an athletic person. He was more arty. He was thin framed, so when he ran, he kind of ran with limbs going everywhere. And, uh, we kind of nicknamed him Spider Monkey because if you see those images of spider monkeys, that's, that's how he ran. Um, he was a brilliant artist, a digital artist. So, uh, he made up his own comic books based off Spider Monkey. Uh, he was very intelligent. He made up his own, um, language, basically written language, uh, based off, uh, Japanese. Characters and Tolkien characters, kind of blended them and made up his own language basically. He was a very caring person. Uh, he was very empathetic and these last factors of being caring, empathetic really shone through after he passed. We always talked to him about how you're a, um, you're a young T, think about things before you talk. 'cause your frontal lobe isn't developed.
John Milham (Host) · 40:07
Hmm.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 40:07
Gave you examples of a friend who had started work and he was, you know, similar age to Josh, horrible workplace accident, got his hand trapped in a machine, but then thought, how am I gonna get that hand out so I can get my other hand to get that hand out? But got both hands trapped basically. And was, gave that example. Josh said, listen, that's because his frontal lobe, you know, and the situation, everything else just didn't work for him to process properly. So when something happens, you need to really think about it, whether you should be doing that. So, um, it was quite amazing how he progressed forward to a point where he was acknowledged as an artist and was asked to do illustrations for a young writers magazine for Penrith. And he wrote his own things for that as well. When he passed, it was, it was really that shining point for you where we really saw what community he had. People come out and tell him stories that, you know, he helped me at lunchtime because I had no food. So he bought me some chips or something and sat with me because I had no friends either. And these weren't just people from his grade. These were students from lower grades. Cause he was in high school, um, from year 7 right up to year 12. A real eclectic group of people, wasn't really the outcasts, you know, strange arty kids. It was anyone basically. We ended up just setting up an area for people to come and have their peace and say goodbye to him at the front of the house. And these probably 3 or 4 tall goths. Which I'm fine with, uh, came up and like, how are you connected to Josh? That were U12 students talking about how he'd like to hang out with us to talk about music stuff. And, um, which I thought was great because that's what I talked about. You know, that's one thing that's been constant for me is I can always go back to my music. I can hear the stories of, of these artists and Go, okay, maybe I can learn something from this. And yeah, so like his eclectic friends, his music collection was eclectic as well, as is mine. And it's funny, I was thinking about this last year, that that's one thing that's been passed on from my dad as well, is this love. Dad loved Rodgers and Hammerstein, but he also loved Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd. So You know, it's the same.
John Milham (Host) · 42:43
That's a great thing, definitely.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 42:47
Yeah, so that's the same with me. Like, I remember as a kid hearing Dark Side of the Moon on the original vinyl, you know. And for the 20th anniversary, '92 I think it was, uh, my dad got me the 20th anniversary CD. Yeah, I didn't have a CD player, so I had to listen to it at his place.
John Milham (Host) · 43:08
Time. I know it's a really challenging and kind of difficult choice to go there, but Josh sounds amazing. What do you think was going on with him? Where did he get to?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 43:22
You know, like he said, it's really, it's the really frustrating part because we would always talk. We'd always, you know, share stories and stuff. And I always said to him, when you are 16. This is the most frustrating part. When you are 16, I'll tell you what you want to know, but you have to wait till you're 16. But that's, that's my one rule. We can talk about it if you like, but if it's my history or our family history, you have to wait till you're 16. But talk about whatever you like. And, uh, I, I gave him a few little, you know, hints about what was going on, but I didn't give him Everything. So that was the frustrating thing that he didn't talk to me about how he was feeling, that he was talking to kids at school that were being bullied, that he was helping people that were upset. He, that was my frustration with in the end, I guess. It's, I need to know that stuff. And whether it's a frustration with myself because I didn't tell him that he needs to offload his, it's a suck to ask, but, uh, knowing how much he helped people and how many people he helped, like over a 2-week period, um, it was December the 19th that he passed. So it was Christmas time, uh, New Year's. We probably had up to 100 different kids and families come up.
John Milham (Host) · 44:50
Wow.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 44:51
They trip you, you know, to it. They tell these stories. He couldn't offload these thoughts, these understandings of other people. So there was this vicarious trauma for me that he was carrying in particular. And I only found out this when one of the families that came up on the, one of the mornings out the front, a mother actually thanked me for Josh. And I was really confused. And, um, she thanked me because her daughter had attempted 2 weeks prior. And she said to her daughter, you need to have someone who's your support, who's, I guess, your mama lady. Who is it? The daughter said it was Josh. So knowing that, I'm like, why couldn't you talk to me about this? And at the time I look at her and going, Jo and I were both working with teenagers that had mental health issues. Within that year, I'd worked with 3 students that had attempted. Previous years— previous year, when I started working as a TA, uh, teacher's aide, I was actively involved in stopping a suicide of a student. I guess not that he knew the— these details from my work, but knowing that I was working with kids with mental health issues. I guess he didn't want to add further burden. So, um, and not that it would've been, you know, this is the burden I've got now. It's, yeah, it's not, not here.
John Milham (Host) · 46:27
Yeah. What, what do you remember about that whole process? You know, like the experience with Josh and, um, you know, the journey out of where you'd come from and to, to be in a place and then have, um, uh, you know, have an event like this, you know, where you lost Josh. What did that mean for you? What, you know, what, what was going, what happened to you as a result of these events?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 47:04
I've come to an understanding and respect of time we have or time we don't have. If I've got an idea and it's, it's, you know, safe, it's respectful and all that sort of jazz, I'm gonna run with it. Last year, my wife was invited to a conference in Florida and she could have said no, but we went, no, let's run with this. So from that, we actually end up spending time in America traveling, like something that we wouldn't have thought of. Doing or achieving at any point, but why not? We've got the time, you know, when do you think we'll be able to do it next time? I guess that's the big, the big key factor is that looking back on my story and Josh's story, I think that's the big thing that comes out of it. It's, you know, time is precious. Yeah.
John Milham (Host) · 48:03
What's important to you now?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 48:06
Being real, not doing what I used to do and not faking it till I make it. Yeah. Letting people know that, you know, today is shit for me. You know, I've got key people at work that I'll just text, coming into work today, but it's not a good day. So I, do you need to go? I said, no, no, I've got a task to do. I'm just reflecting back to you that at some point today, I may need a space just to bring myself back together. And I've had to use those spaces, but that's, I think the important thing is, is to be real and to understand that having that vulnerability is not a bad thing. It's really a rewiring for me. Going back to childhood, you know, talking about emotions, talking about events in your life, trying to reach out to people. That wasn't the done thing.
John Milham (Host) · 49:05
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 49:06
Uh, so being in a place now where I can actually go, I'm not good, I need to fix this, can you help me? Or I need to go for a walk and have some space. Letting people know that is okay. And I guess that's the main thing that, that's happened since Josh, but also probably since I was 30 as well. It's been a developing thing that acknowledging those things, it's okay wherever you're at. It's okay.
John Milham (Host) · 49:37
So how, how has going through, you know, the earlier stuff, uh, the relationships you've developed And then, you know, the loss of Josh. How has that changed the way you work with the world?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 49:53
I'm more open to hearing people, hearing about people. Not that I have been before. I've always been wanting to assist and help people, but I think there's more of a, a drive to some extent, an urgency that let people know that I'm here. Like, And for close friends, it's always been a thing. Phone's always on, sort of thing. And that's been the thing for years. But, uh, to some extent it's the same with anyone that I'm talking with at the moment. If you need something, phone's there, message me, text me, call me, I'll get to it. And if I can't help you in that way, I'll find someone who can. I think that's been the biggest thing. It's just Yeah, having that, making myself available, but also not with that. I've also got to know I've got to put in boundaries that I don't have that vāikyāra, maintaining, even though I feel like I'm in a level spot at the moment, maintain my connections with my therapist. Be honest with myself that I need that.
John Milham (Host) · 50:59
Good stuff. I, I, you know, one of the questions I think that's, you know, hardest to ask is Drawing on all that you've gone through and being a wonderful example of surviving as well as, you know, making meaning. How would you, you know, you've said you're open to people in those situations. How are you, what are you telling them? You know, how are you helping?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 51:26
I guess I'm not telling them much apart from The only message I give them is, this is your space. This is your, your time to speak or cry or be silent, whatever. This is your space. It's not so much of a, a telling a person of what to do. It's, it's, it's providing that space. And I'm, I guess I put myself there to I think of anchor or grounding or, or something like that. An earth, earthline or whatever, you know, that if they need that space and have someone to support them as they go through that, I can make myself available. That's only possible because of the hardships I've been through, is that basically I've had resilience thrust upon me.
John Milham (Host) · 52:22
Um, forged in fire.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 52:23
Forged in fire. Yeah. Um, even though I'm not saying I'm anywhere near a finished product, um, showing people that it's okay to be, you know, not okay. Yeah. Giving them the permission. They need that permission to, to cry, allowing them that space.
John Milham (Host) · 52:46
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 52:46
Beautiful.
John Milham (Host) · 52:47
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 52:47
Or, or, or laugh hysterically, whatever is going on for them.
John Milham (Host) · 52:51
Yeah. It's amazing, mate. Um, considering everything, you're like the, you know, the moments of marmalade, um, all through your life and so on. I find that beautiful. What are you hoping next? What do you look forward to? What's coming?
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 53:07
I'd really like to finish this degree because that's really grinding me at the moment. Got 8 units left and I've. Never, like I didn't finish high school. I didn't finish a landscaping apprenticeship. I didn't finish a baking apprenticeship.
John Milham (Host) · 53:21
Wow.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 53:21
You know, I've started courses and dropped them because I wasn't in a headspace. And so finishing this degree will be a, you know, a massive milestone. And from that, moving into working more in schools, but more on the mental health support side of things. So we're looking at, uh, educating myself again, put myself through another degree, be a social worker in schools, mental health advocate, I guess. And so, because that's, that's my drive at the moment, minimizing the stigma around mental health. Yeah, providing people with the information. This stuff is very real, you know, a major concern for our communities. My, my, I guess my, my real kind of Uh, goal, thoughts on purpose is that's what I need to be doing.
John Milham (Host) · 54:16
Yeah.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 54:17
But first get rid of this degree, get that done. Um, but in the background that I'm reaching out to people, working out how can I educate myself to assist others? Because I know that even though I've got the lived experience and had different opportunities and learning new skills. There's still more that I need to have to be an effective advocate, I guess.
John Milham (Host) · 54:46
Well, mate, I would say that, um, you know, what's happening now, what you're doing in the world and how you've, uh, you mentioned drive earlier and how you are now driving, uh, you're falling, you know, you're bringing purpose to what must have been an incredibly difficult time. And I just want to acknowledge that, mate. Thank you for the work you're doing, for the men that you're helping, and the world. And I think, you know, I've spotted something that I think is making the best of an unimaginable situation. So that's my thoughts, mate. But I'm mostly thinking how grateful I am to have a chat with you this morning and I want to really show my appreciation for you sharing such difficult material with the world. I think it's a real gift. Thank you, brother.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 55:37
Thank you. Thank you. We hope you've enjoyed this episode of Katsugi Heroes.
John Milham (Host) · 55:45
Please like and share the show to your friends so we can get this out to even more people.
Chris Edwards (Guest) · 55:51
If you have a story you'd like to share, to share with us, please reach out using the contact details below. And join us next week for our next hero's story. Until then, keep being you, and remember that we are all heroes in our own unique way. Only when it's broken, only when it's broken. When it hits you in the middle of the night and the truth burns so bright. Only when it's broken. Only when it's broken. Take pride in those cries. It's only for tonight. And then you rise. Only when you're broken. Only when you're broken.
John Milham (Host) · 56:52
Only when you're broken.
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