Adam Lynch
Adam Lynch turned his wife's death into a mission to help others, and learned that a good life means accepting what is.
Hear this story
In 2016, Adam Lynch's wife Anna was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Fourteen months later, she died, leaving Adam with two young children aged 12 and 10. The diagnosis came after Anna noticed something small and unusual during a routine bathroom visit. Even though the symptom disappeared, she kept her GP appointment. That decision caught a massive tumour early enough that doctors found it. During Anna's illness, Adam and his children had time for the conversations that mattered. They talked about what was really important, helped the kids come to terms with what was ahead, and created a kind of closure. Adam learned something profound during that period: material things and career advancement, the things he had spent years chasing, didn't matter at all. What mattered was time with the people he loved.
About six months after Anna died, Adam founded Beat Bladder Cancer Australia. Anna had spoken about creating better support and information for bladder cancer patients during her illness, and Adam turned that wish into an organisation. Running the charity taught him that doing some things really well matters far more than trying to do everything poorly. Two years after Anna's death, Catherine reached out to him unexpectedly. They began a relationship, and now Adam has a blended family with four young adults between them. He is clear that loving Catherine doesn't diminish what he had with Anna. Today at 54, Adam works in both the charity and as a consultant helping other not-for-profits. He describes his life now as simple: health, family, friends, purpose, and the ability to step back and recognise how lucky he is. His advice to others is to focus on those foundations rather than chasing external validation.
⚠️ Content advisory: this episode discusses grief & loss, which some listeners may find distressing.
If you need support, you're not alone. Help is available: • Lifeline (24/7 crisis support): 13 11 14 · lifeline.org.au • GriefLine: 1300 845 745 · griefline.org.au
“You've gotta know your body and you've gotta act on when things change. And you are the best person to, to, to know what's right and what's wrong about your body.”
“We had lots of time to have conversations, and we had lots of time to talk, um, both myself with Anna and, and with the kids and with, and with family. So in that sense, um, we were very lucky.”
“My life is perfect because I accept it as it is.”
The hero, today
Adam's wife caught her cancer early because she acted on a small symptom that felt wrong, showing that knowing your own body and seeking help quickly can make a real difference. After Anna died, Adam shifted his priorities completely away from career and material things, recognising that those had never actually mattered in the way he'd been taught they should. Adam founded Beat Bladder Cancer Australia to fulfill something Anna had wanted to do, and the work of helping others facing the same experience has given him a sense of purpose without consuming his entire life. Adam learned he could be a better parent by developing empathy and balance, learning from his wife's nurturing approach and carrying that into his own parenting after her death. When Adam met Catherine two years later, he realised that loving again didn't diminish what he'd had with Anna, and that having companionship made him a more present father to his teenagers. Adam's advice to others facing similar loss is not to chase external validation or material security, but to focus on family, friends, health, and what actually brings joy, knowing that those foundations matter far more than anything else.
Yes. Adam Lynch is a real person who shared their own story in their own words. Kintsugi Heroes is a not-for-profit that shares first-person stories of overcoming adversity, told with the person's consent.
Kintsugi Heroes, a registered Australian not-for-profit. Every story is shared with the hero's own consent and reviewed under Kintsugi Heroes' trauma-informed content standard before it goes public.
Adam's wife caught her cancer early because she acted on a small symptom that felt wrong, showing that knowing your own body and seeking help quickly can make a real difference.
After Anna died, Adam shifted his priorities completely away from career and material things, recognising that those had never actually mattered in the way he'd been taught they should.
Adam founded Beat Bladder Cancer Australia to fulfill something Anna had wanted to do, and the work of helping others facing the same experience has given him a sense of purpose without consuming his entire life.
John Milham (Host) · 00:00
Kintsugi Heroes acknowledges funding and was made possible with support from the Community Broadcasting Foundation. Find out more at cbf.org.au. Welcome back to Kintsugi Heroes, helping people tell the stories they need to share so you can find the stories that you need to hear. This week, John Millum has a chat with Adam Lynch, a businessman and father who faced the the devastating loss of his wife Anna to bladder cancer in 2017. With two young children, Adam's world changed dramatically. He founded Beat Bladder Cancer Australia, providing support and resources for others facing similar challenges. Adam's journey of balancing work, parenting, and personal growth has helped him transform his grief into a mission to help others and turn his adversity into purpose. Enjoy this one with Adam Lynch.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 01:00
So welcome back to Kintsugi Heroes, uh, Stories That Matter. And today, as always on Kintugi Heroes Stories That Matter, we have an amazing story from a wonderful bloke, Adam. Adam Lynch, who is somebody who is, uh, was, you know, he's a businessman, a family man, uh, a husband, you know, a, um, a bloke who was making his way in the world with, you know, talented sportsmen and so on. So it was all ticked really, Adam, and then You know, life intervenes and personal tragedy led you to becoming somebody who has had to adjust, recover, and rebuild a life. You are responsible for a nationally important charity that helps fight bladder cancer, among many other things. Rather than me go on, Adam Lynch, welcome to Kuntugi Heroes.
John Milham (Host) · 01:58
Thank you so much, John. It's good to have the opportunity to have a bit of a chat and tell my story.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 02:06
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Adam learned he could be a better parent by developing empathy and balance, learning from his wife's nurturing approach and carrying that into his own parenting after her death.
This conversation includes a life that ticked all the boxes, anna's diagnosis, who anna was, a small symptom that changed everything, the conversations that mattered and what he learned about empathy.
Yeah, fabulous, mate. It's our privilege to hear your story. And speaking of story, I'm going to ask you probably just to fill the gaps in, mate. So Adam Lynch, like it's been a journey. Where did that start, mate? And what should we know about you?
John Milham (Host) · 02:24
I think for the context of this conversation, the journey probably started, well, as you say, my growing up was pretty routine. For the context of this conversation, it all kind of hit the wall in 2017. My wife passed away from bladder cancer and she was in her mid-40s. And, uh, life changed very, uh, very rapidly. We, um, we have, uh, two children who at the time were 12 years old and 10 years old. And, um, and I had a, uh, it was a short, um, experience. She was diagnosed, um, 14 months before she passed away. And, uh, it was a, it was a tough one because she She had challenges all the way. She had surgery, a lot of her treatments didn't work, she spent a lot of time in hospital, her health was not good. So she wasn't living with bladder cancer at any real stage. She was really, you know, just in hospital and in and out. So it was a tough period of time for us, there's no doubt about that. And there was no real time to kind of People have their, I guess I'll call them the bucket lists when they're not very well and we didn't really have the opportunity to do any of that simply because of Anna's health. So, that was probably when the first big change in my life happened and kind of reset priorities in a big way.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 04:03
Mate, that's an incredible tough situation, right? I love that idea of bucket list, right? There's an expectation that when we get to that point, that sort of pivotal point in our lives where something very big is ahead, we'll have time to sort of clean things up. Right. And it's an interesting concept you're sharing that you didn't even have time to sort of do those, share those moments of completion and cleanup and and, you know, fulfilling dreams.
John Milham (Host) · 04:42
Yeah, no, that's absolutely true. I mean, we, we did have time to do things. We had lots of time to have conversations, and we had lots of time to talk, um, both myself with Anna and, and with the kids and with, and with family. So in that sense, um, we were very lucky. And I always say when I have these conversations that I think the worst case scenario in one respect would be you go to work and and you get hit by a car.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 05:12
Yep.
John Milham (Host) · 05:13
And you don't have the chance to have any of those conversations and say what you want to say and the things that you always should have said. And we had lots of opportunity to do that right up until the end. So that was beautiful in a way and created a real level of closure. But at the same time, during that period, then you're living with someone who's whose deteriorating, um, inner health is, is really quite sad to see.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 05:46
Who was Anna, right? And who was Anna with you? When, when did you guys meet and how did— and what, what would you share with, with us about Anna?
John Milham (Host) · 05:57
Oh gee, um, oh, we met— in fact, we met in a dodgy nightclub in, uh, in, uh, in the UK. Lots of relationships start that way. So that was the starting point.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 06:14
That's the second time today I've heard one starting in a dodgy nightclub.
John Milham (Host) · 06:18
Yeah, walk me out, please. Always the best way. It's always where the long-term relationships start.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 06:24
Yeah, you want to build, build from the drunken trip home.
John Milham (Host) · 06:29
That's right. So that was the start point. You know, who was Anna? I think, I think people will remember Anna as, as being very calm, nurturing, a real sort of somebody that people love to talk to in kind of that one-on-one sort of, sort of way. She was a nutritionist. She was very much about, in fact, one of the things we always say we do at a national walk called Anna's Walk, which started off as a memorial walk and now it's for the charity, which we'll talk about in a minute. But it's developed into more of an awareness fundraising walk as well. But one of the things we always say when we talk about Anna is that she was the one that made you stop rushing and just actually enjoy the experience and the journey of getting from A to B. Whether it be just looking at the clouds or enjoying the wind or whatever it might be, you know, that sort of experience as opposed to, I've gotta rush, rush, rush, you know, in all of our busy lives. So it was, you know, quite sad in a way and wrong in a way that someone like that who with no risk factors should end up with the illness that she did and the experience that she had. It just didn't seem right. Not that, not that It's ever right, but it just didn't seem right.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 08:04
So the, you know, the cosmic dartboard, right?
John Milham (Host) · 08:07
That's right. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 08:10
So I, I'm— that's a beautiful characterization of your wife. How, how, how did you see yourselves and as a partner? What was, you know, what was, what was Adam like in as a husband and then a father?
John Milham (Host) · 08:28
You can get my opinion and you can get other people's opinions.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 08:33
You've got no peanut gallery here, mate. We're just going to believe whatever you tell us.
John Milham (Host) · 08:40
I'm a pretty calm guy, pretty laid-back guy, probably quite focused. I'm a Scorpio, so there's that sort of aspect of me, but so quite say quite focused, quite competitive, but in a kind of a relaxed type of way. That's how we led our lives. We always were quite active and did cool, exciting things and sort of a little bit off-the-wall holidays and off the beaten track, that sort of stuff. But yeah, I'm a similar type of person. I would I would probably describe myself and others would describe me.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 09:22
Well, that sounds amazing. So you, you know, you two kids, you, you know, how did Anna realize something was wrong?
John Milham (Host) · 09:30
Well, I mean, this is actually a, it's quite a strong message, this one, um, of being self-aware of your own health. Bladder cancer symptoms are, are often they're blood in your urine. The changes in the urinary patterns. It could be pain whilst urinating, but often it's blood. Now for Anna, it was simply a one-off occasion where she was having it, going to the, you know, having a pee and her flow stopped midstream. And she was like, this is a bit weird. So she ended up booking an appointment with a GP. The next day it was absolutely fine. So there's no blood, no anything. The flow was fine the next day, but she continued having the appointment with the GP. Fortunately, we've got a good GP who, you know, was quite, okay, well, that doesn't sound right. You know, we've known you for many, many years. It was a family GP. And she had scans and turned out she had this massive tumor in her bladder wall. And what that blockage was, was a bit of the tumor had flaked off and was actually blocking the flow. It would've been super easy for her to go, "Oh, I don't know what that was, but it's gone now. I'll be right." And so, one of the messages that, you know, I give from a charity perspective, and is just, you've gotta know your body and you've gotta act on when things change. And you are the best person to, to, to know what's right and what's wrong about your body.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 11:11
Yeah, to be honest, that sounds like she sounds super fit, super connected to herself, you know, nutritionally, you know, sound. And, um, and to, to react so well, like, to seek medical help with such a small symptom, that's like, that's perfect, right? So like, it's so tragic to, you know, to— for her to not find, you know, something wrong so earlier, right? Because she's certainly way ahead of me on a curve, right? My responsiveness and all of that stuff.
John Milham (Host) · 11:45
And that's right, you know, many people are, particularly guys. You know, us guys are terrible at, uh, at talking to anyone about our health and, uh, seeking medical advice. Um, and so, you know, we're really bad. But— and women are too. And often for certain things. And for bladder cancer, women often get misdiagnosed, um, for UTI, for UTIs, because that's very common, of course. So the blood is, um, is, is a common misdiagnosis. But you're right, I mean, it's very easy to laugh things off or be embarrassed or, or haven't got time to, to go and seek help. And, um, you can end up being a bit of a hypochondriac, but it's that kind of balance, you know. When it— when is it too early, but when is it too late? Um, and, and that's why it goes back to you as an individual. Just, you've got to know your, your body and what's, uh, when's the right time.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 12:41
Yeah, well, amazing. Um, if, if it's all right, I was really interested in— you mentioned you had the chance to have those conversations, right? If it was all right, I'd like to you know, explore that a little bit, right? What, what do you— what did you talk about? What was— what came up? Was they— were those different conversations? Were they, you know, were they special conversations?
John Milham (Host) · 13:12
Oh, look, I mean, yeah, and, and to some extent they were quite personal and private conversations, but, but, but I think in general they're we're all busy, we're all in our routine and you kind of stop doing the things which actually matter. You stop having the conversations that matter. Your conversations are more transactional. How was your day at work? And what are we doing at the weekend? And all that kind of stuff, which just is important, but it's actually not important. It's just stuff. And so the conversations became much more about, you know, kind of us and how lucky we'd been with the kids and what we'd done. And of course, it was a, with the children, it was a way of, I guess, Especially it got to later stages, that kind of transition to accepting that maybe Mum wasn't going to get better and sort of taking the shock factor away from that. And also, make sure that they had as many memories as they had because they were young, right? I mean, 12 and 10, you don't necessarily have deep, deep memories. Um, so it's important to try and, try and, um, you know, instill as much of, of that and in the stories of growing up in as you can.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 14:55
Very difficult, um, thing for a father to face, right? How did you feel about, you know, like I could imagine that sense of protecting and supporting and, you know, and caring for your family on a real practical level., and there's a level of frustration that there's not much you can do, you know, directly to improve or protect. How did you deal with those emotions?
John Milham (Host) · 15:20
I mean, I, a combination of course, and I know many people probably in, in, in these conversations they have with you, when you're in the middle of it, you kind of switch, you switch into let's try and sort this shit out. And, you know, you go from an appointment to another appointment. You go from a rehab program to another rehab program. You go to whatever it might be and you're in the middle of it and you just get on with it because you have to get on with it because that's the only way you can kind of— the system, the medical system and the doctors say, you know, that's what you need to do. As well as all the things that you do personally about, you know, the allied health type stuff around physical nutrition, mental, that side of thing. But, and yeah, and then of course, yeah, of course, as dad, you've got to be this and the carer. You've got to be the strong one and the one that takes a lot of the pressure off and the responsibilities off everyone else. And and show a strong face and a positive face to, to the, your children. Um, so yeah, it's tough. Having said that, it was okay. Um, I kind of, there was never any time for me where I, I really felt, you know, this, I'm overwhelmed with this, or I can't do this, or, or, um, I'm breaking down over this. It was it was, it was all okay in, in, in the sense that we did the stuff and we had time together. Um, and I, and again, I go back to that whole thing about having that time together was really important because, because it's just created that, that closure in a, in a soft landing type of way.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 17:24
What would you say you learned through the, the process that's so, you know, so difficult to navigate? Did no one really train or prepare for something like that? Did you— what would you say you, uh, now know that you did that is important to know for others?
John Milham (Host) · 17:47
Um, Probably two things. One, I became and have continued to become much more empathic to people. Was never really, and you know, not naturally a real people person. I, you know, I'm social when I need to, but I'm not like, you know, an extrovert who just, you know, just gets all their energy from being with people. And I did a lot of project management stuff as I grew up the career, so I'm quite task-focused. So I'm not naturally a real people person. So empathy was a really big one, just going through that experience with Anna, with the children, with all of the team that were helping Anna, all of the friends and family, of course, that were living this journey along the way. So, uh, um, empathy definitely for one. And, and again, you, you would have been told this because it's very common and I hear it when I talk to others is, is that complete change in priorities going from your career and material things to actually that completely irrelevant in the big scheme of things, you know. As was proven by Anna's situation and others like her, it doesn't mean a damn thing. So it goes to quality time, sort of, you know, spending time together, doing things, talking about stuff as opposed to the material things. So that was probably the biggest change. And that's, you know, as I've gone through the years since Anna passed away, that, you know, that those things creep back in because that's your day-to-day sort of, and that's how we all exist. And you have your house and your car and this and that and da da. And so they creep back in, but it's quite good to have that kind of North Star, which is actually, you know what, it doesn't really matter. And it always pulls you back.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 20:01
Yeah. So, you know, what changed, right? Like you, yourself has changed. You brought, you mentioned empathy and priorities and so on, uh, you know, focusing on, uh, what's important and what, what, how that has changed. So how did that appear in your life? There you are, you know, like logistically everything's different. What was, what was your new life and how'd you put that together?
John Milham (Host) · 20:29
Well, for the first, for the first while, it was about the kids and the three of us. Absolutely. That was, it was like, there's no plan B now. I'm now mum and dad, and I've got to learn how to be a mum and dad, and I've got to make sure that the kids get through this, and I've got to make sure I get through this. So it was all, it was all about the three of us plus to some extent, you know, again, the family and friends that were around us and we had a strong, a small group of really strong friends and family. So I didn't sort of reach out and we didn't reach out necessarily to a big kind of, you know, the village, but we had some really strong friends and family who really kind of corralled around and provided that female, you know, mother role, you know, female role model in, in, in the kids' lives, particularly my daughter, and, um, and, and just helped us through. But very much the focus was on, was on us. It was very internally focused. Um, and then probably about 6 months after Anna passed away, so in early 2018, so And this was driven by when she was sick, she was, you know, where she had good periods and bad periods. And the good periods was like, you know, when I get over this, I am going to, um, there was a challenge in terms of having good information and support for bladder cancer. There was nothing really in Australia, and there was nothing specific to bladder cancer in Australia. There were great organizations like Cancer Council and Rare Cancers Australia, there was good organisations outside of Australia for bladder cancer, but there was nothing in Australia for bladder cancer that was really, you know, a real go-to place. And Anna would say, look, you know, this needs to happen. You know, people going through this experience can't go through the experience like I did. So, when I get better, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to do that. Unfortunately, she obviously couldn't do that, so That was the seed for founding the charity. So the charity that is called Beats Bladder Cancer Australia, and that was set up, you know, by Anna's inspiration and really to help others going through bladder cancer have a much better experience and more, you know, and really having information, having support around the them. So, you know, nothing dissimilar from other health charities, but something which we felt really passionate about and wanted to start up. And we've been going now for, well, you know, I'm the founder and CEO, been going for 5 years, 6 years, and it's grown. It's still a relatively small charity deliberately, but it's it's just amazing all of the, you know, the feedback you get, whether it's a phone call or whether it's an email or whether it's a comment in a support group to me directly or to the team we have just saying, you know, if it wasn't for you guys, my partner would have, you know, passed away or thanks so much for the support in helping me choose the right pathway in terms of treatment and and thank you for linking me up with others who've gone through that same lived experience. You know, all that stuff is, is, is just awesome. And, and being able to give back to those, those people and, and impact their lives for the better is just sensational. Um, and kind of goes a little way to kind of softening the blow a bit because I know that Anna would've been really proud with where we've gone with this and what we've done and what we've achieved and who we've helped. So that's massive for us and is just a big inspiration and driver. And that word purpose, which is used quite a lot nowadays, but it gives you that massive sense of purpose. And I've got to say as well, I enjoyed it from a professional perspective, setting a charity up, building a charity, growing a charity, all of the stuff that goes around that and the collaborations and networks you create. I mean, that's all been wonderful as well. Stuff that I didn't have any idea about. But so that's been very, you know, a great exercise and a great journey for me as well as the emotional and support journey for others.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 25:49
It's interesting because, you know, I often talk to people and, you know, see the link between, you know, recovery and purpose. The idea we move from something like the worst thing that can happen to us sort of provides an opportunity for us to reset and understand more about what's really important in life. And service becomes something that people are dedicated to. So do you feel that? Was that part of the journey of integrating the loss of Anna into your world?
John Milham (Host) · 26:21
I think so, yes. And I mean, as you say, you would know this With all the work you're doing on superheroes, right? I mean, the stories you have, there's a real common theme there from the people that you talk with. And yes, and I don't know what the trigger was. Well, I do know what the trigger was because it was something which Anna had said and it was something that you naturally want to do. Well, maybe not. Some people want to just move away and forget about it. You know, that's the last thing they want to do is kind of stay in that world, which was a terrible world for the period of time they had to be in it, and they just want to move on. A lot of others like myself wanted to do something and give back. And I think it was combined with that whole change of priorities. Moving out of the corporate world. I was in my mid-40s where most people in that world are miserable and want to get out anyway. And so it all sort of kind of came together, I think, and created something which is really meaningful, was a new job for me and gave me a real sense of purpose and passion.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 27:45
Which you're taking forward. I note you've embraced the lessons from a professional point of view and then turning that into consulting for new charities and offering others in this situation to move forward. What do you think's possible? Is this something that will, that other people in your situation, similar situation to you, can they, you know, make a difference? Can they build something like you've done with Beet?
John Milham (Host) · 28:17
Oh, oh, most definitely. And you've seen that. I mean, you've seen the number of charities and, you know, not-for-profits in Australia. It's, um, it's huge. And they're invariably set up for all the right reasons and, you know, through the passion and the purpose that people have, whether it's cancer-based or mental health-based or disadvantaged, um, children, or whether it's environmental. I mean, there are so many sectors in that not-for- profit space, and they're all— every single one of them has a story and a reason and a purpose. Um, so yes, lots of people can do that and be involved in that. And I think what the challenging thing is, you know, linking it to the sort of the consultancy stuff, is often it's quite difficult to turn that passion into actually something sustainable and running a business, which is essentially what it is. Um, passion can take you an awful long way, but you also need the, the ability to, you know, define a strategy and build a team and, um, you know, have collaboration partners and funding and all of those things that come with, with running a not-for-profit. And, and that's the conversations that I have with with others. And that has expanded that purpose of mine. It's kind of like, actually, Adam, you're pretty good at this. It's your background. And there are not-for-profits out there which really need the help. And so they're the conversations I have. But I think in general, one of the things I would say is that there are a lot of people who start up not-for-profits, um, whereas actually sometimes they might be better off finding out what else is already out there because there's a lot of overlap and duplication in not-for-profits and saying, I have a certain skill set, I want to help do this in my skill set. And that's probably, you know, that's awesome because all the not-for-profits are just dying for the right skill sets and the right people, and they're really hard to come by. So rather than compete, actually, you know, just get involved. And, you know, if you're a brilliant event person or a fundraiser or, um, you know, counselor or whatever it might be, then that's— play the role in, in where you can offer the most impact. Um, that's, that's what I see a number of times, but people, please get involved in not-for-profits. The resource is, they're so stretched, so hard to get resources and they're doing brilliant, brilliant things. And it's just a travesty that organizations that have a genuine purpose are the ones that just are the ones that are struggling.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 31:17
Yeah, from observing the system, it can be very frustrating at times. And of course, you have experienced the system going through in desperate need of their services and their support and having to navigate and learn that and become an expert so much so that you now advise on them. What would you observe the system, how would you characterize the system in helping someone who is in a similar situation as to It's a bit of a blur actually.
John Milham (Host) · 31:54
Um, for Anna, because everything was, was so advanced, um, we just ran from A to B to C, right? I mean, between her initial appointment and diagnosis to having her bladder removed was 3 weeks. All right, so this wasn't a, let's put you on treatment and, you know, we'll monitor it and we'll see what works. It's, this is serious, we need to remove your bladder now. And so we were lucky enough at the time to have private health cover, so we were able to do that. And literally it just, we just ran through it and it was a bit of a blur. To be honest. Um, I know people's experience or experiences are extremely different. Um, so I, you know, I can't comment. You know, I know people who, um, are in the public system or live regionally and rurally or whatever it might be in certain states, um, or certain disease types where, where it's a very different world. So, um, I can only speak on behalf of our experience. And then with, with Beat Bladder Cancer Australia, of course, we get obviously a broader range of, of people and their experiences. And there's definitely frustration around the health system. And what we've tried to do is say, well, look, we can't, we haven't got the resources and the voice to tackle the, the policy changes and the, and the, the underlying medical system. What we can do is that, is the immediate benefits, which is tell Australia about bladder cancer and what its symptoms are, and that you need to act quickly. That's what we can do. What we also can do is provide information and support, credible Australian-based information from patients and health professionals, to actually help those people on the journey. So you're trying to minimise the number of people that have advanced cancer, and then you're helping those that, that do. That's what we can do. What we also do then is roll in behind people with, and organizations with bigger voices who are trying to drive policy change and get access to treatments and provide more funding and more resources and more research, of course. So all of those things are big big ticket items, which, you know, are absolutely essential. What I would say, which is, you know, and again, from a cancer perspective, I can talk knowledgeably, but the treatments coming through now are extraordinary. They've changed beyond recognition in the last sort of 5 years with immunotherapy and targeted therapies and genomic profiling and and new clinical trials. And so, you look at some of the things that the researchers and, you know, these leading brilliant minds are saying, is that it hopefully is gonna be quite a different world. It already is, compared to those days of getting hammered by chemotherapy. And so, that's a massive positive. It's huge, and just a real kind of, you know, it's a dream for, you know, for, it's a hope for a lot of people living with cancer, which maybe they didn't have before. But at the same time, it's a real challenge to understand all that for everybody, with all these new treatments coming through. So, you know, that's the byproduct, is that, you know, that's one of the things we do, is work with some of the medical professionals to say, what's new coming through and trying to translate that into a language which the patients understand. And you give to them at the right time, because, um, you don't want to give them false hope. You don't want to tell them about a stage 1 trial in the US that will take 15 years to get to Australia, you know, because that's false hope, right? But actually, at the right time, there's, there's, there's information which is so important for patients to know about, so they can put their hand up and go, "Doctor, I want this treatment. I know about it, 'cause I've read about it and been told about it. You haven't told me about it, but I know about it, so I want it." And you know, that's that patient demand that we can do by informing patients on the new stuff that's out there.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 36:40
That's an amazing picture you paint, and really like hope being at the center of it. What you're talking about is passing on a message of hope and to be being at the center of that, that sounds like that's a big job, ongoing job, right? So have you signed up for that for the foreseeable future there to encourage those kind of outcomes?
John Milham (Host) · 37:01
Oh, absolutely. And I see that as being one of the, as Beat Bad Acancer Australia and my peers in in other health organizations and other not-for-profits, I think it's a critical one. You know, the, the, you've got to balance that, you know, you've got to focus, but you've got to balance, you know, we can create awareness, we can provide information and support, but the bottom line is you've also got to influence as much as you can the prevention, which is treatment-based. And as I say, we haven't got millions of dollars to fund research and we haven't got the ability or really the intent to be a big policy voice in government. So we support others in that. But what we can do is we can be aware of what's coming through and inform our patients and drive that patient demand into the doctors. Up so that, you know, some doctors are great and some are maybe probably not on top of things because they've got to catch up on all this stuff as well. So we want that informed discussion to happen between the doctor and the patient, you know, and we love those conversations where patients go to doctors and the doctor goes, 'Oh, I didn't know about that,' or, 'Oh, that's a great idea, let's explore that more.' more, and then it results in, in, in an opportunity for, um, for that patient. So absolutely, that's a key role of ours.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 38:37
Yeah, it's a brilliant mission, mate. And I know David Deeter in Way of the Spirit Man talks about men needing a mission, right? Do you feel like that's, um, you know, it's almost like, is that a positive from some of this terrible stuff that's happened?
John Milham (Host) · 38:53
Oh look, I think a mission's a, a probably a strong word, too strong a word for me, John. I, I mean, I see some of the work that others in the not-for-profit space do, and I'm blown away by what they do, what they've achieved, um, and, and just their the absolute sort of 100% passion. I look at myself and go, there's an absolute passion there. However, it goes to priorities. And when I went back to, you know, things I learned about it changes priorities. It's also about family. It's about my health and my family's health. Number 1. Number 2 is, you know, probably there's not— probably no order, but the second thing is around what Beat Bladder Cancer Australia can do. And there's so much talk about burnout in not-for-profits, where there is so much stress and it's just massive burnout. And I see that and I understand that because of the constraints, lack of funding, lack of resources. But I also see the other side of it, which is, if you weren't there, the patients wouldn't get anything, right? Yes. So you want it to be over here, which is all patients and all community, depending on what charity you're working for. They all get everything. And if you strive for that, you're going to burn yourself out. And you're never going to get there. So you're going to be somewhere in the middle. And I kind of say, look, do what you can and do absolutely be passionate and driven and organized and professional and all of those things. But if you're only there, that's okay, because it's damn sight better than if you weren't there at all. And so is it a mission? Yes, but it's something which I know that if we do some things really well, and that's another thing I tell other not-for-profits, is don't try and do everything because you will fail and you'll do them poorly. Do some things really well, you'll feel super satisfied about it, you'll get great feedback from the community, and it won't burn you out because you're not trying to do everything. And the patients and community are so grateful for it because they've never had it before, then you can do another thing, then you can do another thing. So yes, it's a mission, but it's not something which I feel, you know, totally my one purpose in life, which is why I sort of set up that consulting as well, which is to say, you know, take those skills and help others as well. So it's trying to get that balance of priorities for me. For me, John, and without just being so laser-focused on one thing, which I see a lot of my peers doing brilliant, brilliant things, but I just don't know what else their world is made up of.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 42:20
Such good advice, right? Like the idea that the very thing that perhaps you've moved away from can then manifest in a seemingly positive way, right? Forget the things you've learned by paying attention to other aspects of life, the family, the connections, enjoying yourself, right? As well as being focused on things that were coming from pain, you can also be focused on things that lead to joy. So what about joy for you? What is joyful for you in your life?
John Milham (Host) · 43:00
What is joyful? I think just being and having a life because— So you've rebuilt that now.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 43:10
What does that look like? What's the best thing about that?
John Milham (Host) · 43:14
That's right. And it's quite simple in a way. You know, it's, as I say, and it goes back to that complete pivot on what actually is meaningful. And joy is having your health, having family, having friends, having a purpose, just doing stuff that isn't, you're not a slave to anybody, whether that be a job or whatever individual circumstances are, but that's joy for me. And and, and just having that ability to check yourself and step back and go, you know, this is pretty cool, you know, what I do. And I'm lucky, I'm, I'm very lucky. And I know a lot of listeners are, you know, are in different situations. And so I, I feel very lucky in, in where I'm at mentally and physically and doing the things that I I enjoy doing. But it does involve taking a check and go, hang on, Adam, slow down. You're kind of going down that pathway of you're working too hard or you're being too competitive or your material things or whatever it might be. I think that's an ability I've developed because I say that's a natural tendency of mine, but I'm able to pull that back and others you know, you know, sort of say, hey Adam, come on, slow down buddy, and, uh, just stop and remember what you, you know, what you, you, you, you saw, what's important to you. Um, but yeah, joy is much simpler. It's much, it's much simpler. Um, and what it, than what it used to be.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 45:05
Interesting. You're like the number one, uh, psychological impact on a man is the loss of his spouse, um, how— and rebuilding, you know, you've done an amazing job and you've, you know, you've done so much so well over time. How do you love again after that feeling of loss?
John Milham (Host) · 45:32
For me, that's, you know, so I, I now have a new partner and I have been with her for 5 years. So it was a couple of years after Anna passed away. So my partner Catherine and I, and we now have a blended family. We're not married, we're living together. We now have 4 teenagers between us, 19, 2 17-year-olds and a 15-year-old, 3 of them being girls. So, uh, you know, it's, uh, that's all fun and games and And brilliant, actually. Love it. Love it all. How do I love again? It kind of took me, it blindsided me a bit, actually, because I wasn't looking for love again. It was almost the last thing that was on my mind. And because I was just in this world, this internal-facing world where it was about me and the kids. And that was As long as we were strong, that was good. And I remember having, you know, the big conversations along the way over those couple of years where I might talk with sort of friends and they'd be going, hey Adam, you know, you seeing anybody yet? And I would get offended. I got really offended that people would even kind of just say that, you know. To me, that was super insensitive and it was like, hang on, you know, it was 6 months ago or a year ago when my wife passed away and you're telling me, am I seeing somebody else? And for me, that was just not the right thing to say. And, you know, and you just get on with your new life. You just get on with it. And then what happened was was I suddenly got this message, um, on, on my phone from Catherine and going, hey, you know how I— we knew each other, um, previously, not particularly well, but we knew each other. And she was like, oh, you know, how's it going? You know, don't know where you are, man, you know, where your head is, but it'd be great to sort of catch up. And, um, And actually it was a good bit of banter at the start because what she actually said in the text was, it'd be good to catch up for a coffee or a walk. And I said, I went, I know I'm a guy and I can't do two things at once, but I reckon I could do a coffee and a walk. And so, but I guess the thing is it just came from nowhere. I had no, I had no, I wouldn't have reached out to anybody. So it was just great that she reached out to me and we just clicked straight away. And it was, whether it be through luck or judgment, that it was seen to be the right time. There wasn't any, this is wrong, this feels wrong. I'm, you know, I feel guilty or, you know, Anna wouldn't have wanted this. And it's stuff like that. There wasn't any of that at that point in time. And I don't know why, but it just felt totally the right thing to do. So maybe it was just luck that it was that time and it wasn't after 6 months or whatever. But at the same time, it might have been just the fact that somebody came to me and just brought me out of my shell. It's something I may have needed for a year previously. And unless somebody came to me and go, you know, and broke me out of that internals to the world that I was in, then it may have been 3, 4, 5 years and I may still be single. Um, so it, it was perfect timing. And we, you know, we've got on so well. And, and, you know, and you talk about can you love again— for me, yes. And it's genuine love. It's, um, and that's not to the detriment of any love that I had for Anna. That will always still be there. But for me, yes, I can love again. Of course, you've got that whole companionship and, and energy and, and sort of all that stuff that comes with a relationship. And, uh, um, which is important because I look at the kids now and they're 19 and 17, you know, my two, and one's away traveling around the world and one's sort of off at school and they they driving and suddenly, you know, if you're on your own, you're on your own. And that's, you know, that's something I look back on and go, you know what, Adam, you're really lucky that you actually have this new love in your life and this new energy with all the kids. And again, for me, that it's worked really well. So I, you know, I, and the blended family has, we took it quite slowly, but it's worked really well. And her girls are just amazing. And they all, the kids get on well. And so, yeah, we're lucky. We're very lucky. But it's, for me, it's worked out. It's worked out really well.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 50:47
And that's great news. Do you think you're a better partner now after going through all of this?
John Milham (Host) · 50:55
Yes. Yeah, for sure. I think a combination of what I've been through and being the mother and the father for a period of time. So you soften, you do perhaps different things, you start to think more like a mother as well. And actually a good example of that was Noah and Manon and I, we went skiing in Japan, like about a year after, after Annette passed away. And the kids had never really skied before. And Noah was kind of like this, at the age, I don't know, what do you mean, 13 or something, herring down these scary—
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 51:39
yeah, yeah.
John Milham (Host) · 51:41
And he was going, hey, Dad, you know, come and join us, it's so cool. And I'm not a great skier either. And, um, the dad in me went, hell yeah, for sure, I want to do this. The mum in me went, hang on, if I kind of fall, because I'm not a very good skier, if I fall and break a leg or do this, what's the story with stuff? And so it was that kind of, I guess, more balanced type of parent that I was. And I think Catherine, my new partner, she's brought that out in me as well. She's very good. She's been through a previous relationship and she's learned an awful lot as well. And so she's very aware of herself. And so we've kind of brought that out in each other as well. So undoubtedly, yes. Whatever being a good parent is, I don't know what that is. I feel as though I'm a more balanced, yeah.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 52:43
That's, uh, that's beautiful, mate. Um, blended family is not easy, you know. What, what, uh, what did you find out about, uh, bringing a family together after?
John Milham (Host) · 52:53
We've been together 5 years and we've lived together for 2 years, so, um, um, we were very conscious that we didn't want to be that kind of, well, Catherine and I are, you know, in a relationship and it's all about us and kids, you just tag along and, you know, it's all you know, and you'll just work in with what we want to do. I'd been, you know, sole father for a while, and Catherine had, you know, been a single mom for a while. And so our first priority was always going to be the kids, right? That's, that's our number one priority. And so, um, we deliberately made sure that they were kind of looked after along the way, and we didn't just sort of go, hey, we're moving in together because this is cool, and then they, you know, we're going to throw you all in after 3 months and you're going to live together or whatever, that kind of thing. So we took it quite slowly. And so I think that worked and quite sensitively. And as I say, that seems to have worked well. And all the 4, they're not kids now, but they're the 4 kids.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 54:06
Young adults.
John Milham (Host) · 54:08
You've got to put the Y-A. That's right. Yeah, no, they're They're well adjusted and they've got great support from, from Catherine, for myself, my family, her, you know, her family. And again, we're, we're lucky in that way that they've got good support mechanisms around them to get to take them through all those challenges that, that they go through. Because, you know, Noah and Manon have lost their mother, and that's never going to go away., and they're gonna, you know, live with that for the rest of their life. And, and Catherine's girls, Ruby and Stella, they've been through a separation and, you know, and they, so they've been through things as well. Like, like all blended families, there's always a story and it's how you sort of manage, manage that. And, um, as I say, it's probably not as natural to me because as I said, I, I wasn't really a people person, but I've developed that. But I think we've done okay.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 55:10
Well, it might not have been natural, but it sounds like you've done an amazing job. What's the future for you, Adam? What do you see ahead in sort of medium and long term?
John Milham (Host) · 55:22
I don't care actually in terms of— I do care. I mean, the fundamentals, like I'd be very happy doing Carrying on, you know, I'm 54 now. As I said, I'm in a pretty good place. The family are great. The kids are awesome. Catherine and I are super happy. I love what I'm doing from a charity perspective and this new consulting is super exciting. So, you know, that side of things is, I'll be more than happy for this foreseeable future Happy days, you know, that's really exciting and interesting and stimulating. And for me, all of those things together, you know, we want the kids to grow up and be happy. You know, that's good values and happy. That's all we want. And that's, if the kids are that, then I think we've, you know, we've done all right. Be good to travel and explore and see different cultures, which would be a great opportunity when the young adults are all off doing their thing. And so that's an opportunity for us. As I say, it goes back to that whole change in priorities, right? You know, be happy with what you've got. And you know, I always have, actually interesting, I always there's always this line from a Lenny Kravitz song from years ago. And it goes, the line is, my life is perfect because I accept it as it is.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 57:04
Yeah, wow.
John Milham (Host) · 57:05
And I've always kind of thought, you know, going back, just that lyric often pops into my head. And I think it's awesome because if you're happy with that, then you're going to You know, if you, if it is what it is and it's not a terrible place you're in, then that's awesome. That's super. That's perfect.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 57:28
Mate, my life is happy because I accept the place I am. Is that, was it, is that the line?
John Milham (Host) · 57:35
My life is perfect because I accept it as it is.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 57:38
Wow. All right. I'm going to go and listen to Lenny. Hey, yeah, mate, that's so inspiring. Not because Like, you are amazing, but what's inspiring is that you, you know, it was, you know, you as a bloke just every day that has managed, you know, extraordinary things in a really, you know, interesting and ordinary way, right? I don't know if that makes sense. You know, I think it's so impressive that you've taken these resources and you've turned it into supporting the people you are and learning from it. Right, so I just want to say thank you. Just on that, just as a sort of wrap-up moment, you know, there are other blokes out there and families that perhaps might be facing something similar to what you've shared with us today. What would you offer just as a thought or a word for them?
John Milham (Host) · 58:34
I don't know, John. I don't know enough about how to, um, provide guidance to others who are going through different experiences. And, you know, just because my situation is all right and mentally I'm in a good place and things have worked out doesn't mean that others are in the same place. So it's, it's quite hard me saying something where people might go, you know what, that's bullshit. That's not going to work for me. And I'm secure, right? You talk about the fundamentals in your pyramid of life and it's security and shelter or whatever that bottom level is. And I've got that and many people don't. So for me, if you've got that foundation, then it's just about refocusing your priorities and your priorities are not your material things. It's your family and it's your friends and it's how you spend your life and it's your health. And you talk about joy, you know, what brings joy. So for me, that would be my advice, but I know that's challenging for some others. But yeah, for me, that would be my message.
Adam Lynch (Guest) · 59:58
Well, it's a beautiful message and it's a great example, mate. I appreciate the fact that you acknowledge the circumstances of others, but I think you also have a story and the way you've handled it is also inspirational as well as instructional. So thank you for sharing that with us. I really appreciate the chat, mate, and All the best, right? Enjoy that, the opportunity to, it sounds like gratitude to me, just be grateful, yeah. I love the idea, I'm going to try and go off today and be grateful. Thanks, mate.
John Milham (Host) · 1:00:37
Yeah, good on you. Thank you so much, John. Really appreciate it. You're welcome. Thank you for listening to this episode of Kintsugi Heroes. Thank you to Colin Lilly for permission to use "Broken" as our theme music for this series. If you enjoyed this conversation, share the podcast with a friend and let us know by leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you'd like to support Kintsugi Heroes and the stories we share, head to kintsugiheroes.com.au and follow the instructions to make a tax-deductible donation. Thank you for listening, and we'll see you next time.
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