Adam Bude · 43 min
A sales expert who looked successful on the outside reveals the suicidal depths he reached as a sleep-deprived new father of twins, and how vulnerability, not strength, ultimately saved his life.
Hear this story
Adam Bude looked successful on the outside. He had a six-figure sales job, a wife, three young children. But inside, he was drowning. When his twins were newborns during the global financial crisis, his income collapsed and he found himself alone, sleep-deprived, working on commission, with no one asking if he was okay. His son had been on life support. His daughter stopped breathing. His wife was physically incapacitated. And all the support, all the care, all the attention went to Amanda. No one ever asked Adam how he was coping. Every night he came home, put the kids to bed, and drank a bottle of wine alone. Every morning he looked at the train platform and thought about jumping.
What saved him was not strength. It was vulnerability. When Amanda's father died by suicide, she faced the possibility of losing her husband the same way. She pushed for a complete fresh start. Within a month, Adam found a job and a house on the Gold Coast. They left Melbourne with nothing and no one, but they left together. On the other side of that move, Adam began to rebuild. He stopped drinking. He got healthy. He and Amanda grew together instead of apart, both working on themselves.
Today Adam speaks to men suffering in silence. He names postnatal depression in men as real. He names financial stress as a killer. He says that the men who find the courage to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to let someone in, are the ones who find their true power. If you are where Adam was, this is a story about what is possible on the other side.
⚠️ Content advisory: this episode discusses suicide & self-harm prevention, which some listeners may find distressing.
If you need support, you're not alone. Help is available: • Lifeline (24/7 crisis support): 13 11 14 · lifeline.org.au
“postnatal depression for men which is what I had ultimately is a real thing”
“every morning I would go to work and I would look at that train and just want to jump”
“it was either die down there or give ourselves an opportunity to start again”
The hero, today
Adam was first diagnosed with depression at 13 after growing up with an emotionally and physically abusive father, and he now understands those early years shaped his behavior and identity in ways that held him back for decades. When Adam's twins were newborns during the GFC, he had no support while Amanda received family help and nannies, and no one ever asked him how he was coping even though he was working commission-only, severely sleep-deprived, and suicidal. Amanda kept the family together and pushed for the move to Gold Coast when Adam was on suicide watch, and because she was also on a personal development journey with him, they grew together instead of apart. Adam regrets playing the victim card for years without realizing he was doing it to himself, and wishes he'd learned that lesson earlier instead of spending two decades figuring it out. Men don't talk about postnatal depression, financial stress as a killer, or ask for help because pride keeps them from being seen as weak or a failure, yet the men who tap into their vulnerability ultimately find their true power. Adam believes the universe always has your back, and when you're in depression, you're focusing on past pain instead of present reality and future possibility, which is a pattern you can choose to break.
Yes. Adam Bude is a real person who shared their own story in their own words. Kintsugi Heroes is a not-for-profit that shares first-person stories of overcoming adversity, told with the person's consent.
Kintsugi Heroes, a registered Australian not-for-profit. Every story is shared with the hero's own consent and reviewed under Kintsugi Heroes' trauma-informed content standard before it goes public.
Adam was first diagnosed with depression at 13 after growing up with an emotionally and physically abusive father, and he now understands those early years shaped his behavior and identity in ways that held him back for decades.
When Adam's twins were newborns during the GFC, he had no support while Amanda received family help and nannies, and no one ever asked him how he was coping even though he was working commission-only, severely sleep-deprived, and suicidal.
Amanda kept the family together and pushed for the move to Gold Coast when Adam was on suicide watch, and because she was also on a personal development journey with him, they grew together instead of apart.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 00:03
Welcome to the Kintsugi Heroes Podcast, where we share inspirational stories of everyday people going through different challenges and how they overcome them. Please be aware that the story you're about to hear may have moments of deeply felt emotions and personal experiences. If anything you hear has a triggering effect, please reach out to someone who can help keep you safe. If you love this conversation, please like and share it with your friends so we can continue to share more inspiration and hope to as many people as possible. Now listen up for our next hero's story. This episode is with Adam Booj. He is a published author and a sales expert, a course creator, and he works with business owners to help them, you know, scale their business with sales. On the outside, he sounds successful and driven and, you know, someone we look up to, which we do. And yet this story was one where he put all that aside and showed his vulnerability and the journey that he's been on that's seen him go through depression and giving into alcohol and weed. And he was able to unpack it all. And what I loved was seeing Adam as another human being. It doesn't matter that he's all those things. Underneath all of that and the mask that we wear, he's a human like everyone else. And he shared with me the pain of not having the support, not having people to understand him at certain parts and points in his journey, especially as a, a new father and someone going through different career challenges. Now he wants to help others. So this one is Adam Bood. Hello and welcome. Here we are to another episode of Kintsugi Heroes. I'm here with Adam Bood today. How are you, Adam?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 02:09
Great, Ev, how are you?
Aveline Clark (Host) · 02:12
Really well, thank you. I'm so grateful that you're here. And, uh, I'm really, really excited. Not that I know anything about your story, so this is actually really news to me because I know you— our paths have crossed a little bit in the past. So to have you on the show is like a joy for me and also a privilege because you're obviously, you know, going to be sharing part of your story with me, and, and for that I'm really grateful.
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Adam regrets playing the victim card for years without realizing he was doing it to himself, and wishes he'd learned that lesson earlier instead of spending two decades figuring it out.
This conversation includes a kid growing up with an absent father, the misfit at school who finished out of spite, the first job loss and six months unemployed, twins born during the gfc while he loses his job, suicidal thoughts while twins fight for their lives and alone with resentment while amanda carries the weight.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 02:36
Ah, that's awesome. Yeah, it's, uh, it's, it's fascinating, isn't it? We, we come together through business worlds But what people don't always understand is it's the making of us as a person that forges where we go in our businesses. So, um, this would be, this would be an interesting conversation.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 02:53
Well, this is about you sharing your story, uh, overcoming adversity or challenges. And, um, how about you take us back to where it began? Where would you like to start your story?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 03:06
So I guess, um, My, my— I'll start my story right back from a kid, really. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic manic-depressant, and I, um, was on the receiving end of a lot of emotional abuse, a little bit of physical abuse as well, growing up. Um, and grew up for many years with a vacant dad. Just wasn't there, like, just unsupportive. Just, we never saw him, just wasn't there. So, um, so I know that, um, a lot of my issues came from the early years. And even I still remember now, the age of 13 was when I was the first time diagnosed, um, with depression. And, um, following my dad's footsteps as a manic-depressant, uh, who was on lithium at time and they threw me on lithium as well. So I wasn't on it for long, but it's certainly in here that it happened from right back then.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 04:16
So how did that set the scene then for the years to come?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 04:20
Strangely enough, I was always a bit of a misfit at school, never really fit in. And I think that whole craving attention stuff from my dad definitely affected my behavior growing up. So I was always a bit of a ratbag, really negative kid, overweight, not many friends, all that type of stuff, and disengaged in school. So all of my report cards all said, "If only Adam applied himself," and I got that for years. And I suppose the realization of all that came when I finished year 12. And I only finished year 12 out of spite for my year 10 coordinator at the time who said, drop out of school because school's not for you. You're not going to amount to anything. And I thought, well, I'm going to stick it to you and I'm going to finish it and pass. So I did. But then I was like, well, what do I do now? I didn't want to go to university. I really had no idea what I wanted to be doing with my life and just fell into sales, menial, you know, menial work just to try and find my way through life. And that sort of one thing led to another thing led to another thing. And my mental health was okay over those years. Always a little bit on the chubby side, but um, I still had a lot of emotional issues, um, around men, dads, or all that type of stuff. And that played out in relationships I had everywhere indirectly. Um, now that I can reflect upon that, I can see that. Um, but where it, um, where it really hit hard for me, there was 2 moments in time. And the first time was after I'd lost a job for the, uh, that first phone call I got where we, uh, we just started working at a new company. There's a whole group of us that started and formed this whole new company in Melbourne. Um, and we built that company from scratch and we were doing a really good job in 12 months' time. And then the, um, uh, it was owned by the Ford Motor Company, subsidiary of Ford, and they executive decision was to shut down that whole operation. So we all got the marching order on the spot and I handed back the keys to the car that I had. I was a sales rep at the time and that was the first time I was unemployed for about 6 months and I just couldn't find work because I was unemployable with my skill set and with my experience. And that was the realization of, ah, should I have done some more with my time?
Aveline Clark (Host) · 07:07
How old were you at this point, Adam?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 07:09
Uh, so this was 2000, so early 20s. Um, unemployed for about 6 months, then I started on drinking a lot more and, um, started smoking, started smoking weed, and it really was going down a different path. Um, went overseas on a holiday. I was pretty low. I'd just broken up with a girlfriend. She broke my heart and all that type of stuff. And I was at a pretty low place. And that's where I actually ended up meeting my new wife, my wife, my only wife, Amanda. Met her in Bali and then came back. And, you know, for the first 6 months of our relationship, I was unemployed. So here she was, the main income earner. Here I was, a Centrelink bum. And just couldn't get a job. And then I fell into commission work and that's when everything sort of changed for me. That whole commission sales thing was, that was an interesting, interesting experience and did that for a couple of decades. But from the time that we were together, Amanda and I, for 5 years, then we got married, then we had our first child. And then it wasn't until we found out that Amanda was pregnant with our second, that that's when it really hit the road because the job that I had at that stage was just killing me. So I quit. We went away to Port Douglas for a holiday, come back and Amanda's pregnant, find out that they're twins. And then all I could think about was, oh, shit, you know. Um, previous to that— oh, I'm missing an element. So previous to that, um, I'd lost all of our money on the stock market, you know, did a couple of really bad trades and went into debt to the stockbrokers. We had to leave where we were living, go and rent somewhere else, and, um, we're living off credit cards for a while. So it's a pretty, pretty hard time. And then that happened and and all I could think about was how are we going to survive this financially? And that financial stress was, that was a bit of a, bit of an issue. I wasn't anticipating being out of work again for another 6 months because I just could not get a job, even though I'd had at that stage, you know, a decade of commission sales experience in multiple industries. I just couldn't get a proper job. Centrelink wasn't really cutting it for us and Amanda was about to go on maternity leave. And then I finally landed a good job, which was with a 6-figure salary and commissions. And I was going to be heading up, heading up a sales force in Melbourne for a corporate hospitality company. And within 3 months of starting that role, along comes the GFC. So that whole thing just turned. To crap, and it was just me. And then the twins were born, and that was when— that was when it was it. It was on from that moment on.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 10:20
Um, sounds like, yeah, it would have been a challenging time, no doubt, during Amanda's pregnancy. Tell me, I'm fascinated to understand the journey you've been on relating back to, I guess, the depression at the age of 13. So how has that influenced these, these events, these fairly significant events, um, being out of work multiple times when you, you know, obviously at challenging times, and then Amanda getting pregnant and etc.? So do you know what I mean? I'm really interested to know about that because you don't just get over it, do you, in a heartbeat?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 11:03
No, don't. Um, I think if I'm— if I was to put my mind to, to how the depression in the early stages has, has had an impact on that, it's a really good question. Um, and I'm really not sure how to answer that because there's part of me that thinks, did it have anything to do with that depression Or is it— what was it more behind? It was probably more behavioral issues that I was going through as opposed to the depression, because there's— I remember thinking I was depressed, but I'm pretty sure it was more behavioral and misdiagnosed at the time. So those behavioral issues are the ones that were holding me back through promotions. They were holding me back from getting jobs. My attitude was terrible. And then obviously started to drink more and get really unhealthy. And it just keeps spiraling, you know, every day smoking a packet of cigarettes a day. And, you know, I was very, very unhealthy mind and body and had a lot of anger, a lot of anger growing up and a lot of anger with my dad. And the relationship that we had was pretty pretty horrible. So, um, I think that being at the time my subconscious identity was what was affecting, um, the right pathways to open.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 12:35
And how or when did that change for you?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 12:40
Uh, that changed in 2001 when I first started my journey in PD. Um, PD being, uh, personal development.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 12:50
Okay, thanks.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 12:51
Um, did all of the whole Anthony Robbins stuff and NLP and Reiki, and, um, I really started to immerse myself in a lot of, uh, personal development. And for many years though, I've— as I was involved in personal development, and even in the first business I had, that was— it was in a network marketing industry, and that was also personal development. What I realized I was doing was trying to fix myself as if I was a broken, a broken being, and spent a good part of a decade trying to figure out how to fix myself. So that whole time frame, and even now when we're constantly immersing ourselves in, um, personal development and mindset stuff so that we can keep on the, on the right side of the ledger and moving forward with a bit more empowerment. But that was the turning point because now I could actually see things differently and had a clearer understanding as I was growing, what I was doing and how I was doing it.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 13:53
So obviously, I'm assuming then at that point that your, your habits around smoking and drinking and living unhealthily shifted and changed. Yep.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 14:04
Yeah, I got up to about 94 kilos at one point, and that all changed when we relocated from Melbourne to the Gold Coast. Really got my life back on track. The twins were about 2, but that was after I had gone through the whole suicidal stuff.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 14:30
Do you want to take me through that? I'm going to share what happened there.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 14:35
After, uh, the twins were born, um, I was stuck in that, um, role in the height of the GFC in a serviced office in Melbourne by myself. And, um, our twins were very, very sick babies, like very sick. Uh, we nearly lost them both. My son was He was hooked up to life support machines for 2 weeks. My daughter stopped breathing. Interestingly enough, he saved her by screaming out like, "It's this big." It was unreal. Amanda just heard this weird screech, goes in there to find out what's going on, and Braid stopped breathing. So, but they had a lot of health issues. They couldn't eat her breast milk. They had a lot of reflux. They were underdeveloped. Josh had lung problems, allergies galore. It was— and I was struggling with work at the same time, struggling to make sales. And eventually, I was on commission only again. And I was suffering severe sleep deprivation, like severe. It was— we had our older daughter who would wake me up every night because she was having nightmares and putting her back to bed, and then an hour later getting up to feed one twin with my wife, or then they're still crying and I just wasn't sleeping, and then fronting up the next day to go and put in a full day's worth of work. And Amanda had pelvic instability, so she was physically incapacitated to a certain degree as well. And then I was pretty pissed off because we ended up qualifying for some in-home care, but that in-home care was just helping her during the day. And so, and there was nothing for me. Um, so I'd come home, Amanda's stuffed, big day, 3 kids all under 18 months, 19 months, 20 months, whatever it was. It was pretty hectic and she couldn't move around and, and then it was doing the dinners and then all the washing and all the stuff that comes with twins. If you think one baby is great, multiply that by 3 and you've got twins. Multiply that by 4, you've got 3. So, uh, the workload was really intense, and I had no support. Um, and that was the realization that I was totally alone as well, because no one was going up to earn any money. No one was coming to help me do my bit around the house. I physically was depleted. There was nothing left in the tank. On all levels. Like, I was beaten physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. So I'd copped it from all areas, and the only way out was in front of a train. So it was, um, it was pretty, it was pretty dark times.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 17:28
How can I ask a personal question? And this comes from partly my own experience having had twins as well. And I know what it's like to go through those first couple of years and the sleep deprivation. How was your relationship with Amanda through this period?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 17:48
I don't remember. The first 2 years of their life was just a complete block out. Like, I've just— all I could remember was pain.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 18:00
Yeah.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 18:01
Um, and there was a huge amount of resentment as well, because, uh, what, what people don't understand is that all the, um, care and attention, um, is always on— is always on the woman, but there's no care and attention there for the man. It's just expected. And Amanda had the support. She had her mom, she had people coming, nannies and whatnot. Eventually we got some nannies doing some night stuff so she could have a bit of a break. Um, but no one ever asked, how are you? No one ever asked, is— can we help you, Adam? You know, no one ever asked, what— how's work helping you out? Or like, there's just— I just felt like I was totally alone and abandoned by, by life. Sorry for the interruption. This is Ian Westmoreland, the founder of Katsuki Heroes, and thank you for listening to this story from one of our amazing heroes. Our mission is for these stories to provide hope and inspiration to people experiencing life challenges and to also educate the broader community on how best to provide support. If you would like to help us to continue to produce more hero stories and cover more adversity themes, we would welcome all donations. These can be made via our website KintsugiHeroes.com.au.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 19:26
The donate function is at the bottom of the home page.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 19:29
We'd also welcome any feedback. You can email me direct using ian@kintsugiheroes.com.au. Now let's get back to the story.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 19:45
Did you have anyone to talk to?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 19:49
Had a couple of friends, but no one that really understood where I was at, what I was going through. Um, I didn't have a counselor as such. Just picked up my suitcase and walked out the door and got on with the next day and come home and groundhog. Finally, when they were in bed, polish off a bottle of wine. It was That was the routine.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 20:15
And at this point in your life, had you tackled the internal demons around your, your father?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 20:23
No, no. We went many years without speaking, uh, a lot of hate and resentment and, and issues. So that was still festering in the background somewhere while I was dealing with all this other stuff in the— on the front end.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 20:38
The comment that comes to my, my my mind is just talking is, how the hell did you survive? Like, how did you get through?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 20:46
I have no idea. Every morning I would go to work and I would look at that train and just want to jump, you know, and just get it over with. Because it was just— I was in so much hurt, so much pain. But then, um, there was a couple of moments where I'd look at my older daughter. She gave me the first inspiration to go on. It was just that one look where our eyes just locked, uh, and that sort of gave me enough power to keep moving forward. We went away, um, for my brother's wedding, and he was in Port— had it in Port Douglas, and the twins were nearly 2. And I thought to myself, thank God, finally someone can take one of the kids and we can have a bit of a break. And it didn't end up being that way at all. You know, Mum said, well, I'm here for a break too. And I thought, wow, that was when I emotionally checked out from my family. We came back from Port Douglas, we made the decision to relocate from Melbourne, and within one month we packed up. I'd found somewhere to live, I found a job just to start with, and we were gone. And it was fascinating. Um, because no one in Melbourne actually believed that we were going until they came to the empty house that we were living in and I said, see ya.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 22:12
And your family are all in Melbourne?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 22:14
Yeah, everyone's in Melbourne. Um, so we, we came up here because it was, um, it was either die down there or give ourselves an opportunity to start again. So we packed up and moved to a place where we're on the Gold Coast now, and we knew no one, had no contacts, had no friends, had no family, had no roots in the ground. Like, there was nothing. It was a complete, complete fresh start. And that's when, um, that's when we started to— that's when I started to turn it all around.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 22:45
Um, looking back, have you discussed with Amanda, like, what was going on for her at this point, and, and when you left Melbourne and landed in the Gold Coast, and how things changed for her as well.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 23:00
Um, before we left Melbourne, the, the struggle was real because her father committed suicide. So he— from her perspective, um, she was faced with the reality of not only losing her dad but losing her husband, both to suicide, because I was I was pretty much on suicide watch at the time. So it was, um, I mean, she was amazing. She held it all together and she kept the family going and she gave me enough to help me keep moving. And if it wasn't like, there was no problems for her, she was like, yep, let's go, let's get out of this. This Melbourne is killing us, this whole thing. Let's, let's start all over again. And, and she was a, she was a nurse, so it was easy for her to get work. She just went straight back in. Not long after we started here. So she knew she wouldn't have any problems working. She was a rock, stronger than I gave her credit for.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 23:58
Wow, sounds like she, I don't know, saved— I don't want to say saved you, but in a way, saved the relationship and created the opportunity for the transformation.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 24:09
I think I was still also on that personal development journey as well. So there was a little bit of that going on in the back end. And we'd both done all the stuff together, uh, across that time as well. So we've both been growing together. Um, to be honest, I think that's the reason why we were able to keep moving forward together. Had she not have been on that journey with, uh, me, then, uh, it probably would have been a bit different and potentially catastrophic, catastrophically different. Maybe. Yeah, well, I mean, we don't— we never really know the ramifications of the other side, but we look back at our life now, um, we love where we live, you know, we're pretty well settled here now, and, um, kids are grown up and they're healthy and they're happy, and we're pretty fortunate they're pretty well-balanced kids even though they've got a pretty unbalanced dad. So it's, um, so that's, uh, it's good.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 25:09
You're smiling and laughing at yourself, which is a great place to be. And you obviously haven't gotten to this place without a lot of work and a lot of acceptance and a lot of processing and reflection. Where— is there any remnants of that angry kid today?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 25:29
Oh, look, yes, sometimes he, he comes out. Like, I had a big fallout this week with Josh, my son. Really worst moment ever. Things just got way out of hand and basically I just said to him, you managed to get the green guy out of me. You know, so it's, I think deep down the green guy lives in everyone. That's the Hulk for those that don't know. And he's in there. You know, we've all got him. That's why people resonate with these sort of superhero stuff because they're all parts of our personality. Um, I need to get triggered pretty heavily though for him to come out.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 26:11
How old's your son?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 26:13
Uh, he'll be 14 in December.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 26:17
Interesting age.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 26:18
He's the— yeah, and he's a twin, so yeah, it is an interesting age. I said to him, mate, do you think I'm educated to, uh, bring up teenagers? I said, because I'm trying to figure this out while you're trying to figure it out. So between the two of us, we're a complete mess.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 26:35
Yeah, I love the way you can just laugh at it because that's, that's the best way to be, especially at this point with, with your son. Um, what's been— looking back on the journey, uh, what, what kind of reflections or lessons, or I guess silver lining, can you take from what you've been through?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 27:03
I think the, um, it's like that story, The Life of Hard Knocks, you know. Um, I have absolutely experienced the life of hard knocks. Nothing has been given to me, um, easily. I've had to work my ass off for everything. And when people judge how I behave, they, they don't understand the life of hard knocks that come from the the person that I am today. Um, what do I wish that I didn't have those hard knocks? Yeah, absolutely. Um, I would have all— I'd love life to be a little bit simpler, um, at times. But at the same time, I look at all the lessons that I'm getting, and every time I get a new lesson from another hard knock, what this is motivating me to do is change the way that life is for other people. I wish it didn't take 2 decades for this to happen. I think it would have been great if it happened in 12 months and I got those lessons earlier on, and I could have been so much further advanced in my, in my life work. But, um, the take-home message for me is that, you know, everything happens to us for a reason, and I really believe that. Um, I think a lot of the stuff we, we create through our mindset, you know, what we think is what we're going to bring in. But universally, there's, there's, there's a universal lesson that's happening, and, and what we're supposed to learn from that lesson is what's going to pave our way moving forward on the journey that we're here for. Um, I'm convinced our journeys were mapped out for us before we got here, and Had I known that that was the way life was when I was growing up, I probably would have had a very different approach to it. Fortunately for us, we educate our kids that that is how life is. And so they've got completely different opportunity moving forward to what we have such a good head start. They're the lessons out of it.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 29:06
They're fabulous lessons. And if only all of us could be so reflective and learn from our pasts, our childhoods, the things that have burnt us and hurt us, and shifted those in a way that gives our children a far different, um, life. You know, it's like you— if you embody all your own lessons and you pass those to your children, they don't hopefully have to go through them. Because through some process of assimilation and also the way in which you guide them, by the sounds of it, you're giving your children a different perspective and a different opportunity to have a much better life, which is, which is, which is amazing. So I just want to acknowledge that.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 29:57
All right, cheers. Yeah, I'd love, I'd love my kids to, to not experience the heartache that we had, but They also have, um, self-aware parents too, which we didn't have. So, um, and even Amanda's parents were not self-aware. They were very old school and traditionalists. But, um, we're both pretty, pretty self-aware.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 30:21
Sounds like that trip to Bali all those years ago was, it was, you know, like the best one to have met this lady who's been so critical in your life's journey.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 30:33
Well, we've questioned that too, because we did meet in the Sari Club, and then 12 months later, that— we don't know what happened to that place. And, and then our anniversary— uh, sorry, our wedding— we were supposed to have our anniversary, our honeymoon in Thailand, but that's when the tsunami came. So there was, there was, there was parts of us thinking probably we shouldn't be on this journey together, or what going on here? Bit freaky.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 31:00
Yeah. Or, or look at it that you actually dodged the, the—
Adam Bude (Guest) · 31:04
we dodged a few bullets.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 31:05
Yeah, you dodge bullets together, you dodge bullets. See? Yeah, that's the way I, I'm reading it. I, I always look at the glasses half full. Yeah. Um, another question just on your, your past. Tell me, where are you at with your relationship with father figures, and in particular yours. How do you feel today?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 31:28
Yeah, so, uh, my dad's come back into my life. It's, it's superficial, but we have connection. And I think that connection's more based around his realization of mortality, um, as he's getting closer to the end of it. In his own little way, he's, he's trying to make amends, um, and I'm okay with that. I'm over all the, the hurt and anger towards him. If he wants to be part of it, he can. If he's not, he's not. But there's— it can't get too deep because then too much hurt will come, um. But we both know where we stand, so it's, it's, it's good. Each week we'll reach out. Interestingly enough, I hear from him more than I do my mum now, so, um fascinating how, how things turn, turn around.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 32:22
Yeah, indeed. Um, do you have any regrets about the past?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 32:28
Yeah, I do. I, I wish, I wish I was more open to receive as a kid, um, because I shut myself off from so much. And, and I do regret always being, um, miserable, um, as a byproduct of my attention-seeking behavior. And I wish I'd learned what the victim was at a young age instead of learning about what the victim is at a, a later stage in life, because for so many years I was playing that victim card. Without realizing that, you know, I'm putting that upon myself as opposed to me actually being the victim.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 33:16
But a great, really interesting insight about yourself. Not many people could answer that question, Adam. I'm really stoked that you answered it so well.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 33:26
Oh, well, there you go. Thank you.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 33:31
Wow, what a journey. And, and you're sitting there, you look really relaxed, you're looking good. I know that you're on a juice cleanse, um, so maybe that's why your skin looks so amazing. For those of you who are listening to the audio, Adam looks great. I couldn't imagine you as overweight, by the way. So I've only ever known you as being the way you look, and that's a beauty of Zoom as well, because we only see people's like shoulders and heads. But you look healthy and happy and balanced and grounded. So, you know, full credit to you for the journey you've been on and the work that you've put into yourself.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 34:07
Yeah, thank you. Yeah, the juice cleanse is an interesting one. 14 days with just juice and water. It's a great way to rebalance the body.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 34:17
Oh yes, what day are you on?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 34:20
Today is day 10.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 34:23
Nice.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 34:24
Yeah, it was originally a 7-day one, but we really got some great benefits in that first week, so we thought we'd do it again.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 34:32
I love it. I love how you just, you know, keep going. Hey, that works, let's just go again, go harder.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 34:38
Well, that's the key to life, isn't it? If it's working, keep doing more of it. If it's not working, keep doing less of it. It's pretty— it's a pretty simple philosophy, I think.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 34:48
Um, I'm— yeah, in closing, I just want to also acknowledge, you know, what you raised about being so alone when your, your twins were newborns. I think it's a, it's a pretty endemic, systemic issue we have, that men don't have a lot of support and they're not recognized.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 35:11
Yeah.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 35:12
So as you were sharing that, I— so yeah, I felt very sad for you and for all the men who experience that. It's just, it's, it's almost tragic, you know, that our our society hasn't figured out a way to support the whole family rather than just one person of the family?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 35:32
It's, um, the way I see it is it's, um, it's that whole mainstream thing, you know. Um, we all hear about breast cancer, but we rarely hear prostate cancer. You know, just as many men are dying from prostate cancer as what ladies are with breast cancer. What people don't understand is that there's just as many men suffering from postnatal depression than women. And they use women, um, they highlight women because of the emotional stuff that's going on and how that throws their whole body out of whack hormonally and emotionally and whatnot. But the men aren't factored into it. So if the way that I see things, if we're really going to have, um, a society of equal, um, equalism, if that's a word, then it goes both ways, you know. Um, just because men have been the hunter and gatherer for all these generations and women have been the homekeeper doesn't mean women can't be the hunter and gatherer and men be the homekeeper. Um, there's plenty of families that I know, um, where the female is the main income earner and the male is not. So equality, equality lies in so many different factors and postnatal depression for men, which is what I had, ultimately is a real thing. Financial depression for men, which I've also had, is the number one killer for men. That's what takes most men out. Unfortunately, the suicide rates for that financial stress are overwhelming. Yet where do we hear about that? Where do we hear about society talking to men about financial stress and what they can do to, uh, to balance that? Who helps them if they are the main income earners to, to provide when they're in a state of emotional pain and suffering? You know, it's that men are— but on the flip side of that, men are egotistical animals as well, and their pride holds them back from reaching out for help. And, and, and it did for me too. It held me back, my, my pride of being judged, uh, for being weak or being inferior, um, you know, it's, that's as a failure, you know, last thing you want to be known as is as a failure as a dad, as a man, as You know, um, it's, it's a big thing. So I think, I think society needs to really lift the game on, on that aspect significantly, which is why I wanted to be on this podcast, because, um, men are suffering in a really big way, um, and there's not a lot of, uh, men that will show their, their female side We all have one. We're not all macho all the time, you know. They will have that vulnerability to go out into the world and say, "I need help." You know, and I think those that do have that vulnerability are the ones that ultimately have the courage and they're the ones that pull through.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 38:50
Yeah, I couldn't agree more. And thank you for speaking so candidly and openly about all of that. I know that anyone listening to this who is resonating or going through it would be feeling really encouraged and hopefully can listen to your story as well and be encouraged by the fact that you, you do, you did make it through, and there's always a way through. What would you say to someone who's listening to this, a guy who might be going through any kind of depression like you experienced Anyone who resonates with your story, have you got any words for them of encouragement, support, or something else?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 39:31
And the universe always has your back, whether you think it does or it doesn't. It always does. Um, and in times of need, what you will find is the real people in your life will surface, or the fake people will disappear. But those real ones will be the ones that are there to give you that support that you need. And the other thing that a lot of us, we lose focus on is that when we're in that state, what we're actually doing is we're focusing on the pain of the past as opposed to understanding the reality of the present and the possibility of the future. If you're finding yourself in that state of deep depression, that depression is not who you are now. That depression is something that you chose to wake up to that served you in the past that you're still bringing forward with you into your future.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 40:32
That's pretty deep.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 40:34
You can unpack that.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 40:36
Yeah. I'm not sure. Is there anything you want to add to that?
Adam Bude (Guest) · 40:42
It's easy to say in hindsight. Yeah, um, it's so much harder when you're dealing with it, when you're in, in the, in the, you know, the heat of the battle, um, for sure. But I think the, the biggest thing is that when you do find another man who comes into your life where you have the opportunity to bear all, then I would encourage you to take that opportunity to bear all. You know, warts and all, just let it all out. If they're going to judge you for who you are and how you're feeling, then they're not the people that you want in your inner circle. But if they're people that, that you can openly express yourself to, just getting it that off your shoulders is a huge weight that's lifted. And most men may not have that conversation with their partners. Um, but if you've got that one person that you can have that conversation with and be that one person for other people to have that conversation with, that it's not a one-way street, you know, um, then I think we'll find more and more men tapping into their vulnerability. And once they can tap into their vulnerability, will ultimately tap into their true power.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 42:05
Beautiful words. Really, really beautiful, honest, vulnerable, and coming from experience ultimately. Thank you. Um, I've so enjoyed this and you bringing to light this really important journey and one that's not often spoken about. And I hope that any male, any person listening to this has gotten something from it. And it might be a shock and a surprise even to women, um, you know, that this is such a, a problem, an issue. And it really is. And, and I just want to, um, thank you for being brave and open and sharing your story today.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 42:52
That's my pleasure, you know. If I can help save one other life, then it was, um, was an hour well spent.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 42:59
Exactly. Well, and thank you for spending it with me. It's been a pleasure.
Adam Bude (Guest) · 43:04
I appreciate it.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 43:07
We hope you've enjoyed this episode of Kintsugi Heroes. Please like and share the show to your friends so we can get this out to even more people. If you have a story you'd like to share with us, please reach out using the contact details below. Join us next week for our next hero story. Until then, keep being you, and remember that we are all heroes in our own unique way.
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