Adam Walsh · 46 min
After decades of invisible suffering rooted in childhood psychological abuse, Adam Walsh's breaking point at a Sydney conference became the unexpected catalyst that forced him to finally confront his deepest fear and rewrite his own story.
Hear this story
Adam Walsh grew up on Bougainville Island where, at age 6 and 7, he was systematically psychologically abused by a teacher. The abuse was calculated and public: he was told he ruined a school musical, seated facing away from the class next to the toilets, made to sit with a pencil lodged in his hand. The teacher made a point of lecturing the rest of the class about his failings, sometimes for 15 minutes at a stretch. The message was clear and permanent: Adam wasn't wanted. He was broken.
That fear of rejection took root deep. For the next 38 years, it controlled his choices. He refused to sing, wouldn't put his hand up at work, stayed in jobs that drained him, missed opportunities in bands and music. He withdrew from people, interpreted small social slights as proof he didn't belong, and built a life of avoidance. Every day counted down to retirement. He never told his parents or his friends what happened. The teacher had threatened that if he spoke up, nobody would believe him and he'd have to repeat the class. As a child, that threat made perfect sense. As an adult, he kept the silence anyway.
At a business conference in Sydney, Adam's mind forced the reckoning his conscious self wouldn't allow. He had a breakdown, walked the streets for hours uncertain if he wanted to be alive. The next morning, he sat down next to a stranger in the hotel foyer. Instead of pulling out his laptop and disappearing like he normally would, he had a conversation. He told this man about the business he actually wanted to run. The man didn't reject the idea. He offered to help. That single moment of being heard became the catalyst to leave his job, face his deepest fear directly by attending networking events for two months straight, and finally take accountability for the life he'd been living. In six months, everything shifted: his business, his sleep, his relationships, his ability to handle rejection itself.
Adam's message is simple: confront it. Find your place in the problem. Lean on the people around you. Move forward one day at a time. He learned it from his 9-year-old son, who came last in cross-country and laughed about it, who practices baseball for hours without frustration, who doesn't let things that go wrong define him. That's what Adam is learning to do now.
⚠️ Content advisory: this episode discusses abuse & exploitation and suicide & self-harm prevention, which some listeners may find distressing.
If you need support, you're not alone. Help is available: • Blue Knot Foundation (complex trauma): 1300 657 380 · blueknot.org.au • 1800RESPECT (family, domestic & sexual violence): 1800 737 732 · 1800respect.org.au • Lifeline (24/7 crisis support): 13 11 14 · lifeline.org.au
“it instilled an incredibly deep fear of rejection, almost pathological really”
“I don't know why they even had you in the musical, you ruin the whole night, everybody thought it was terrible”
“in a sense the fear of the rejection is what manifests the feeling of rejection, so it just starts to reinforce itself without you needing to do anything or anybody else needing to do anything”
The hero, today
Adam realised the biggest shift came when he stopped blaming the teacher and took accountability for his own choices as an adult, deciding that he was the one who could change his situation. Adam faced his deepest fear directly by forcing himself to attend networking events for two months straight, which made it easier to meet people and showed him he could survive rejection. Adam saw that much of what people call procrastination is actually fear: doing comfortable tasks instead of moving forward because the next step feels too risky. Adam learned from his son that when things don't go your way, you can either spiral in self-loathing or laugh and move to the next attempt, and the second way is what actually leads to achievement. Adam's message to people stuck in this same fear is to confront it directly, use the people around you for support, and know that even when it feels hopeless, you can get there by moving forward one day at a time.
Yes. Adam Walsh is a real person who shared their own story in their own words. Kintsugi Heroes is a not-for-profit that shares first-person stories of overcoming adversity, told with the person's consent.
Kintsugi Heroes, a registered Australian not-for-profit. Every story is shared with the hero's own consent and reviewed under Kintsugi Heroes' trauma-informed content standard before it goes public.
Adam realised the biggest shift came when he stopped blaming the teacher and took accountability for his own choices as an adult, deciding that he was the one who could change his situation.
Adam faced his deepest fear directly by forcing himself to attend networking events for two months straight, which made it easier to meet people and showed him he could survive rejection.
Adam saw that much of what people call procrastination is actually fear: doing comfortable tasks instead of moving forward because the next step feels too risky.
Adam learned from his son that when things don't go your way, you can either spiral in self-loathing or laugh and move to the next attempt, and the second way is what actually leads to achievement.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 00:00
Kintsugi Heroes acknowledges funding that was made possible with support from the Community Broadcasting Foundation. Find out more at cbf.org.au.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 00:16
Welcome to the Kintsugi Heroes podcast, where we share inspirational stories of everyday people going through different challenges and how they overcome them. Please be aware that the story you're about to hear may have moments of deeply felt emotions and personal experiences. If anything you hear has a triggering effect, please reach out to someone who can help keep you safe. If you love this conversation, we'd love you to like and share it with your friends so we can continue to share more inspiration and hope to as many people as possible. Now listen up for our next hero story. This conversation is with Adam Walsh, and his story begins over in the Solomon Islands where he grew up as a young boy. What might seem like something so simple when we have a teacher that doesn't like us, this was a grossly overstatement of that dislike, and he suffered from psychological abuse from a teacher. It instilled in him a deep sense of a fear of rejection, it impacted his ability to feel joy and feel that he could actually step out and be his true self at work and in life. So it impacted decisions and the whole journey. He's also been able to unravel it and accept that it was part of the journey, but it's also made him who he is. He tackled those fears and he unpacked all of the trauma, and now he he's living life on his terms. I hope you enjoy this story with Adam Walsh. Well, here we are, and I am here with Adam Walsh for Kintsugi Heroes. I'm really grateful for you to join me today, Adam. How are you doing?
Aveline Clark (Host) · 02:12
Well, thanks, Evelyn. Thanks for having me, Evelyn. I appreciate it.
More stories
This site is part of Kintsugi Heroes. Visit the main site for the full podcast. If any of these stories hit close to home, support is out there, you don't have to sit with it alone.
Read how we handle these stories ↗
Kintsugi Heroes · Registered Australian not-for-profit · kintsugiheroes.com.au ↗
This conversation includes a teacher's campaign, the classroom isolation, the fear that took root, a life of avoidance, the breakdown at the conference and a stranger's question changes direction.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 02:16
You're very welcome. It's— I'm always really grateful for all our guests, you know, to give up their time and energy and to share their stories, because it's not always an easy thing, right? And sometimes sharing stuff that's happened in the past is not easy, and yet it actually does make a difference. You know, people get to hear your story, they get to relate, and then realize that they are not alone. And that's the reason we do this. We want to provide inspiration and hope to people. And so That's what's happening. And I just want to thank you for being here to share your story.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 02:51
Absolutely my pleasure. Anything I can do to get the story out there, and if it helps someone else, well, then that's all the better for it.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 03:00
Wonderful. Well, let's get started, shall we? This is about you and your story. So how about you take us back to the beginning? Where does it start?
Aveline Clark (Host) · 03:08
Yeah, no probs. So look, it's about a 38-year story really. So I'll endeavor to make it a bit shorter than that on this podcast. Look, where it starts is I grew up in the Solomon Islands, which is sort of northeast of Australia near Papua New Guinea. So, I was living on a small island called Bougainville Island, which I don't know whether people know of it before, but that's sort of where they had the civil war back in the '80s. But look, essentially, where it starts for me is there was somewhat of a dispute that I won't go into between my father who was the the bank manager on the island and, and somebody who ended up, I suppose, being in a position of authority over me on a daily basis. So essentially, you know, what happened is this particular person decided, uh, I suppose, to get back at my father through me, essentially. So what, uh, what basically ended up happening is, you know, I had— I had— this person had access to me you know, 8, 6 hours a day, every day of the week, particularly for, you know, when I was 6, they had particularly strong access. And then, you know, most of that sort of year when I was 7 going into 8. And basically what happened was this particular person was actually a teacher. And the way that this sort of, the way that this manifested itself was in psychological abuse. So the way that that sort of came out was, you know, just a constant barrage of criticism, a constant barrage of public shaming, public humiliation, you know, within the classroom context. You know, two main examples, I suppose, that really sort of to put it into context was, you know, we had a musical. I remember once we had a musical on a Friday night, and I was actually, you know, selected to do a solo singing spot, which was, you know, it was pretty exciting for a, for a 7-year-old or 6-year-old kid, as you can imagine. And so I went and did my little solo spot, and, and then on the Monday, we, we came back into class, and most of the class were in the musical in some, in some way, shape, or form. And, you know, the teacher had sort of said to everybody, you know, well done on the musical on Friday. Everyone did an absolutely fantastic job, you know, except for you, Adam. I don't know why they even had you in the musical. You ruined the whole night. You know, everybody thought it was terrible. Everyone I spoke to afterwards thought it was absolutely horrible. And, you know, that kind of— according to According to, you know, talks I've had with my mum afterwards, that's kind of when I started refusing to sing in front of people. So that was kind of, you know, one of the lesser severe outcomes from it. And then for the rest of the year, I was on a desk up the back of the room, sort of facing sideways to the room. So, you know, all the desks in the room, as you do in a traditional classroom, are all facing the blackboard, facing the teacher. And I was put on a desk that was actually facing the side of the room next to the toilets. And I basically had this little sign on the side of my desk, which was, you know, I had to basically turn the sign when people were going to the toilet. So I was effectively the toilet monitor, I suppose. So, you know, there was a whole heap of those sorts of things that occurred on a daily basis. You know, I would turn up to the class and, you know, for no reason, I'd be told to go and stand outside. I might cough or, you know, I remember, I remember once tripping over in class, in the classroom. I had a pencil in my hand and it went in and it, you know, the pencil basically went through my hand and, you know, this teacher made me just sit at my desk with a piece of lead lodged in my palm and do my classes. So, you know, I mean, it was, it was, it was pretty harsh treatment. And the thing was that it was so, it was so different to the way that the rest of the class was treated. And it was so public. So, you know, it wasn't just the treatment. It was the fact that, you know, every time it was done, this particular teacher would then talk to the class about, you know, what a horrible kid I was and, and things like that. Um, and yeah, yeah, just, just really, you know, and it'd go on sometimes, it'd go on for 10, 15 minutes, just this, this lecture on, on, you know, the, the evils of, of, of Adam. So, uh, yeah, look, I mean, that kind of— what that did really for me was it put me into a situation where Yeah, you can imagine as a 7-year-old, you're still trying to figure out, you know, what the world is and, you know, where you sit in the world and, um, and, and how to interact with people. And what that really did to me at that age was instill an incredibly deep fear of rejection, almost pathological really. And, and, you know, looking back over my life. In fact, not even looking back, I knew it was happening at the time. Um, you know, the, the— it really led to a pattern throughout my life of not chasing opportunities because of the fear of not getting them. Um, you know, not— I suppose not wanting to, you know, display any abilities or display any skills or anything like that that I had, just in case they weren't as good as I thought they were. Um, you know, I had a go at being in bands and things like that when I was younger and, and just couldn't bring myself to get on stage. You know, I'd have terrible stage fright and I'd get on stage and all of a sudden I couldn't play the guitar anymore and I couldn't sing anymore and things like that. And so I ended up giving up on that because of it. Um, well, actually not because of it, because of me, which I'll, which I'll get to in a minute. But Ultimately, yeah, there's just a long series of missed opportunities that have come from, you know, not wanting to put my hand up, not wanting to do anything outside of the square because of that intense fear. And the other thing that it did create for me is a real protectionist type of an environment. So, you know, I became very withdrawn over the years. I became very, very introverted, um, and really struggled intensely to make any connections with people. And there was a couple of reasons for that. The main reason was obviously, you know, I had that fear that, that people wouldn't, wouldn't like me. But the other thing was, when you get into that, that mindset, you start to take little things wrong. So You know, you speak to somebody at a party and, you know, you have a good chat with them, and then the next week there's another party and you don't get invited, and you go into this downward spiral. It's like, oh, why didn't I get invited? You know, horrible, horrible sort of— all of this, you know, all this constant sort of fear of rejection just coming, coming up. And in a sense, the fear of the rejection is what manifests the feeling of rejection. So it just starts to reinforce itself without you needing to do anything or anybody else needing to do anything. So ultimately what that led to really for me was a pretty much a life and a career of really achieving not much at all and not ever feeling like I had a purpose, not ever feeling like I really, you know, did anything of any, of any consequence, which over the years led to, you know, pretty, pretty severe depression, even, you know, even moving into sort of ideation eventually. And yeah, look, it just, it sort of really all culminated over the last couple of years into just a feeling of hopelessness where it's, you know, I'm doing the same thing every day. I'm not doing what I want to do because I'm too scared to try. Just in case it doesn't work and I get rejected. And so really, it just led to a, you know, it led to me being in a spot where I was stuck in what I was doing. I didn't want to be there. So every day was kind of, all right, well, that's one more day gone. So, you know, I should retire around about 65. So we'll just keep doing what we're doing until then. And then hopefully I can go and live on a farm or something like that and not have to deal with with everything. And, you know, I sort of went about every day with that sort of thought. I didn't really engage a lot because of the lack of motivation, the lack of purpose, the lack of joy in what I was doing. And ultimately, that really led to a point where I wanted to do what I'm doing now for probably about 6 or 7 years. But, you know, too scared to jump, too scared to, to make the move. And unfortunately, eventually what happened is, you know, my mind just said, okay, well, if you're not going to make the move, I'm, I'm just going to force you to do it. So, uh, yeah, had a somewhat of a mental breakdown, I suppose you might say. It was a bit embarrassing. It was at a— it was actually at a, um, at a conference, which wasn't, which wasn't great. Um, so yeah, ended up having to leave the conference. And, um, yeah, I was walking around the streets of Sydney for a couple of hours, just sort of, um, on the phone to, you know, various people who were trying to figure out what the hell to do. And, uh, yeah, just a, just a really, really, really horrible time that I would, you know, I would never, never wish on anybody. And, um, yeah, I met, uh, I met someone the next day. I went, went home to the— I went back to the hotel that night and sort of you know, contemplated the idea of whether I really wanted to be here anymore. And, um, yeah, had a funny little thought. I thought to myself, well, look, you know, let's go to the conference tomorrow and, and just see if somebody says something, just anything. So I went to the conference and, um, walked into the foyer the next morning a little bit early, sat down to— sat down next to a gentleman that I met in the foyer. And what I would normally have done is I would, I would normally have just sat in a corner and pulled out my laptop and, you know, pretended to be working. On this particular day, for some reason, I sat down, got into a conversation with this gentleman, and he asked me what I did. And I told him what I did for my day job at the time. And then a little voice in my head just sort of said to me, try being what you want to be. Try 'Right on for the day. Just see what it's like. Tell people that you do what you want to do.' So I said to him, you know, my side business is, you know, and I pretty much described the business that I'm running now. And he loved the idea and I was quite shocked. I thought, oh my gosh, he didn't— wow, he didn't reject my idea and say it was terrible. So we had a bit of a conversation about it and he said to me, you know, I I don't know how, but I'd like to help you, maybe introduce you to some people, which to me was terrifying. So, we walked into the conference and what I would normally have done at this point is I normally would have said, well, great to meet you. Thanks for your feedback. And yeah, let's talk. And then I would go this way, they would go that way, and I would spend the rest of the day going, I hope I walk past this person in the hall. Or I've always needed some sort of a context to have a conversation with somebody to start things off.. But this time I thought, nope, nope, wherever he sits, I'm going there. So I sat, so I, I waited till I saw which, which desk he sat at and I sort of stalked him for a little while and then went and sat down next to him. And then we, you know, we, we had another couple of conversations and, and what that turned into ultimately was the catalyst for what I'm doing now. So that, you know, he basically said to me at, you know, in our earlier conversations that day, you know, we spoke about the business, we spoke about what I wanted to do, the purpose. And he was quite adamant that, you know, if I'm doing something that I don't want to do, I shouldn't be doing it, both for my sake and also for the people that I work for's sake. So that really, that really had a bit of an effect on me. I'd probably never really thought about it from people around me's perspective because when you when you're in that space, you can actually be quite self-centered. You don't mean to be, but, but, you know, you just, all you're thinking about is how everything feels. So, um, so that really spurred me on to make the change. So I, yeah, I got, uh, got back from the business conference and a couple of, couple of weeks later I had left the business. So I'd spoken to the business owner and, um, you know, he had noticed big changes in the last couple of months anyway. So, you know, he wasn't particularly pleased with where I was anyway. So yeah, look, we, we decided that that was it, you know, was going to move on from there. So I found myself sitting in a home office thinking to myself, now what? And unfortunately, the, the biggest thing for me was that the one thing that I needed to do to make this business work was overcome the thing that terrified me the most, and that was rejection. Because I spent 2 to 3 months getting the product— I'd spent, you know, I'd spent 4 or 5 years at least sort of conceptualizing the product and implementing it practically in little ways in businesses that I'd been in. So I knew it worked. But now I spent a couple of months actually building the product and productizing it, and that kept me busy, and that gave me some focus and some purpose. And then, and then there was, you know, the day came where I thought to myself, okay, I can't spend any more time writing course material and writing program material and doing marketing documents. I've actually, oh, now I've gotta go and speak to people. So I thought to myself, well, what's the scariest, what's the scariest thing you've ever done or that you can think of? And I thought to myself, networking. That's, that's what scares the hell outta me. You know, that, that really terrifies me. So I jumped on LinkedIn and I looked up networking events. I wasn't a big user of LinkedIn at the time, so I looked up networking events, um, and attended every networking event I could get my hands on for the next 2 months just to force myself into, into doing that. And, um, yeah, look, that's kind of, you know, there's, there's a couple of things that that's done for me. Obviously, that's, that's made it a lot easier for me to meet people. I feel a lot more at ease with new people, particularly when I see new people coming into the networking groups that I'm involved in, because I can see straight away, yeah, there's a look, there's just a demeanor. And, you know, what I really love to do now is zero in on those people and, you know, without making a big deal out of it, just just try and pull, pull them in. So I think, you know, one of the things it's done for me is give— is given me, I suppose, that, uh, empathy, I suppose, for people that are in that situation. But the other thing that it's really done for me is highlighted to me that, you know, I had some really bad experiences as a child. And while I was a child, having that reaction, having that having that fear of rejection, those irrational sort of behaviors. While I was a child, that's, that's okay and that's acceptable because you're a child, you don't understand, you don't have that mental capacity. Where it stopped being acceptable for me to be like that is when I became an adult and should have known better. And there was a moment of realization for me where, where that sort of happened. And that was for many years I'd thought about this teacher and, oh, if I ever saw them, you know, I had these really, really strong witty things to say that, you know, in my mind I was the hero of the, of the conversation, really putting them in their place and making them regret what they did. And then I was looking around on Facebook groups and I came across a group, funnily enough, that was linked back to that particular time. And there was a whole heap of people that were in my class at the time, um, and in my school at the time. And I thought, oh, I'll connect. So I went to join the group, and there on the group was this person, and I didn't join. So I thought to myself, you know, here I am, 5 times the size that I used to be, a hell of a lot stronger, a hell of a lot more worldly, um, a lot wiser, much better with words, totally capable of defending myself, and yet I don't join a group of, of my peers, you know, mid-40s. Because I see this person in there. So I thought, they've still got you, mate. They've still got you. That was a real awakening moment for me, um, where I thought to myself, you got to take your own responsibility for this, for this situation. Because, you know, at the end of the day, what, what I was doing was allowing them— I'd effectively allowed them to direct my life ultimately, um, which, you know, I look back on it now and I can't believe I did it, but you know, when you're in that space, it's just so— it's so easy to let it all, you know, to let it all direct everything that you do and influence. They just influenced everything.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 21:43
When you were 7 and you were going through this, um, so a couple of things came up in my mind to ask you when you were sharing the story. One was, did you have any close friends whom you talk to about it, or did they say anything to you? And second of all, how did you communicate this or share this with your parents?
Aveline Clark (Host) · 22:06
Uh, no on both counts. So when, when you're 7 years old and the person who's in authority tells you that nobody will believe you and that you will be blamed for it, you know, one of the, one of the things that this particular person used to use We went away for Christmas one year. We came back to Australia to visit some relatives. And basically this person sort of told me that, you know, everybody would— if I sort of told anybody about this or if I complained about it, everybody would think I was so stupid that I would have to repeat the class and she would make sure that I was in her class again. And she would do the whole thing over again, which to me now, I listen, I, you know, the, the threat itself just makes no sense. But as a 7-year-old, all, all you hear is, they'll think you're stupid and you'll have to do my class again. Um, you don't join the dots in a logical sense. You don't think, why would they make me repeat the class because I told them that a teacher was abusing me? So no, I, I never really told And well, I didn't tell any of my friends. Um, my parents, I never said anything to them. Um, I certainly had the opportunity to. Um, there was a couple of, you know, trips to hospital and the doctors because I have physical sort of manifestations of, of the stress and things like that. And according to my mother, there was one point where we went there and, you know, the doctor was quite worried and he said, look, this is— I don't know what's causing it, but this is this looks to me to be, you know, pretty severe stress. My mother actually went to this teacher and told them about it, and they actually said, oh, I'll keep it, I'll keep an eye on him and make sure that everything's okay. And what they actually did was double down on, on the action. So it really wasn't until probably really in the last couple of years, to be honest, and probably in the last 18 months, that I've actively spoken with, you know, my mother about it specifically and kind of, you know, gone through it. She thought that there was potentially something there, but she, she, you know, she asked questions and everything was fine according to the school, according to the teacher. So yeah, yeah.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 24:28
Wow. And as a mother, I mean, most mums, you know, see changes in their kids, like they can pick things up and they know there's something not right. Those mothers most mums are that close to their 7-year-old. So I could imagine your mum questioning and going, well, hang on, something's changed, you know, I can feel it, sense it. And even though your responses are positive, you know, as in, what's wrong? And Adam says, nothing's wrong, Mum, it's all fine, you know, because you're protecting and covering it up. But mothers know. Um, and, and I'm pleased to hear that you've been able to talk to her about it. Even though it took a while. And I'm sure for her it closed a question mark in her mind that she might have, you know, put to the side or just sort of thought, well, that's unresolved, I'll just leave that behind. You know, Adam's fine, you know, he's a functioning, well-adjusted, you know, human being and everything's fine. What I'm fascinated about, Adam, is that you, by the sounds of it, never really done any healing on it, as in You just bottled it up, lived with it, and then continued on your merry path, or not so merry. Did you not share it with anybody up until the last 18 months?
Aveline Clark (Host) · 25:43
No, because see, the problem is it's, it's a bit of a, I suppose you'd call it a rhetorical loop. So I don't know if I'm using the word rhetorical right in this context, but because that the fear of rejection kind of reinforces the fact that you don't say anything to someone because they might reject So you, you, you don't, you don't at all costs, you don't speak to anybody about it because it's, it's horrible to say, but you get to a point where reactions have to be quite specific. So when you do anything in your life, when you're in that particular place, you want a particular reaction. And if you don't get it, you're devastated. And that reaction— and again, this is where kind of that self-centeredness that you get into. And I don't say that self-centeredness in a negative way. It's just a byproduct of what happens. But there's this self-centeredness that comes in where it's all about that reaction. You're wanting something affirming in a sense. It's a bit of a catch-22 in the sense that you become— you get to this place where the affirmation can only come from external sources in your mind. But the reality is that the only effective affirmation is going to come from internally, and that's the only place that you, that you don't look for it. So, um, yeah, you just, you do, you just keep it, you just— and then there's also, there's a very, very long period of time where you just think, well, you know, it is, it is who I am. Because there was a very long time that I didn't actually associate the way I was with what happened. Very, very long time. Which is strange because I, you know, I, I had always had these thoughts in my head, or if I ever saw that teacher again. So I kind of, yeah, I knew that there was, there was anger about it, but, uh, but I never, for some reason, never really joined the dots between the anger and the fear. Which now I look back and I go, duh. But you know, when you're in that situation, you just, you you don't, you don't see it. Sorry for the interruption. This is Ian Westmoreland, the founder of Katsuki Heroes, and thank you for listening to this story from one of our amazing heroes. Our mission is for these stories to provide hope and inspiration to people experiencing life challenges and to also educate the broader community on how best to provide support. If you would like to help us to continue to produce more hero stories and cover more adversity themes, we would welcome all donations. These can be made via our website, kintsugiheroes.com.au. The donate function is at the bottom of the home page. We'd also welcome any feedback. You can email me direct using ian@kintsugiheroes.com.au. Now let's get back to the story.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 28:44
Hmm, it's fascinating, and yet it's so— what you've described is, is actually such a common thing from the perspective of these childhood events and things that we've taken on and they traumatize us in some way or belittle us, or, you know, we've encountered something that's completely changed who we are, and it stays with us throughout our lives until such time as events occurred. It's almost like this internal part of us is kind of trying to come to the surface and say, time to heal. Okay, you're going to have a crisis now. You've got to clear this out or else you can't be happy. You can't be really you. It sounds to me like that's what happened at the conference when you had your breakdown, breakthrough experience.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 29:35
You're absolutely right. I count myself lucky in, in my personal situation in the sense that I didn't have to go through years and years of, of really deep, probably traumatizing therapy to get through it. And I think what I get out of this, this whole situation for myself is that one of the— I feel for me, and, and this is obviously not going to be, you know, relevant to everybody. But I feel for me that the biggest component of this was my, my acceptance of it and my— I don't know, it was, it was like a subconscious just happiness to play a victim in a sense. And, and I, I do look back on, you know, the, the way that I have been for a very long time And I've always had a very good public face, right? So, you know, anybody that knows me that sees this will think, nah, never saw that coming. I can almost guarantee that. But in private, it was, yeah, very much had a victim mentality about it. Oh, it's not fair. Why did this happen? Why am I like this? Why did I have to be born like this? You'd see people around you getting opportunities and you know, why does everyone else get an opportunity and I miss out? And it's not until you sort of sit back and say, okay, well, why didn't you get that opportunity? You know, what, what was it? You know, and let's get rid of the, ah, because, you know, I'm unlucky or whatever, you know, strip that down. Why didn't you get that opportunity? And time and time and time again, it came back to, I didn't put my hand up. So, you know, and so you kind of, after, you know, after analyzing that. Quite a few times. I just— yeah, it just started to dawn on me. It's like, well, come on, man. Like, when you were a kid and when you were scared of things, okay, you're a kid, but you're an adult now. It's time to sort of look at this situation and say, right, where am I in this? Because yeah, granted, I didn't start— I didn't start the train rolling, but you know, when I got to a point where I was in the cabin and I was driving, I didn't pull the brakes and get off. I kept going. So when I was in control as an adult, I didn't do what I needed to do. Um, and so that's kind of— that's been the big realization for me. And that's— and that's, I, I feel, why I've been able to avoid having to go and just go through that horrible process of really ripping it apart and, and really digging deep into it because for me, most of my problem was just the fact that I let it happen. So, you know, the best thing for me to do was to, was really to go out there and, and check off all the things that I'd allowed myself to get away with, right? You know, don't speak to people that you don't know for fear of rejection, right? Reverse that one. Always speak to people that you don't know despite fear of rejection. Don't start a business because you'll fail, right? Start a business even though you might fail. Don't do something that challenges you, right? Do something that challenges you despite the fact that you might fail. You know, just reverse everything. And, and that, you know, that taking that accountability and admitting ultimately, just admitting it, that I'm the one that created the victim. I'm the one that created that, that situation and I allowed myself to be there. It's as simple as that. You know, there's no other way to put it.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 33:06
Yeah, it's a very, very mature and responsible way to handle it. And I love that you've created— you're creating your own story, you're rewriting your own story by doing the reverse of these things. Brilliant.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 33:18
Yeah, well, it was funny, there was a comment, um, on— I don't know if you watch the show Seinfeld at all, but there was an episode where George Costanza, um, decided to do the exact opposite of everything that he, you know, that he, that he, that his instincts told him to do. And all of a sudden everything started going really well for him. Um, and I really get a laugh out of that now because I look at that and I think it's got, in a way, it's kind of what I did.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 33:47
Um, has that been the last 18 months, like since you've kind of faced this?
Aveline Clark (Host) · 33:52
And yeah, yeah, well, it's really probably the, the more, the most intense part of it. The catalyst really started late sort of, you know, mid to late last year is where I really started to hit this thing hard. But yeah, probably, yeah, it's been about 18 months that I've started to build up to it.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 34:12
And how's life changed in that time since you started to face up to it?
Aveline Clark (Host) · 34:18
Well, I wouldn't be doing this. I can tell you that. That's one thing. From a business perspective, I'm much more action-oriented. Much more action-oriented. And I can look back now and I can, and I can see that the time wasting and the procrastination is, you know, there's a lot of people out there that say, oh, you know, I feel like I'm lazy, I feel like I'm a really bad procrastinator. But, um, I, I really am of the opinion now that there's a large percentage of people that feel like that that are just scared to move, scared to take the next step. So what you do is you, is you, you do the stuff that you feel comfortable doing because you feel like you're being productive and you feel like you're achieving something and there's some purpose and that kind of quiet, quiet that voice in your, in your, in your head temporarily. So what it's done for me on a professional level is it's certainly, it's certainly made me a hell of a lot more action-oriented. If I don't know how to do something, well then, you know, I don't go, oh, I'm going to go over here and do some graphics for, for a while. I'm actually going to do, nope, I'm going to get this done. So, you know, that's from, from a professional perspective, it's certainly done that. I mean, I'm, you I'm running my own business now and I got out of that situation that I was in that, you know, that I suppose they call it that quiet desperation, that just, you know, working your way through the mud until you feel like you've got enough money that you can stop working. Ultimately for me now, I don't feel like I ever need to stop doing it and that's a very liberating prospect. In the sense that, you know, I don't feel that the whole retirement thing is something that I need to ever do now, to be honest, because I enjoy doing what I'm doing. And I've, you know, I'm building a business that I can do from anywhere, you know, so I don't need to be tied to an office. I don't need to be tied to a location. My wife is Japanese and we're looking at moving to Japan in the future. Well, I don't have a worry about what am I going to do over there because I'm building this business and I can sort of take it with me. So, from a professional level, that's what I've been able to achieve in a matter of 6 months because of just, you know, facing that thing head on. On a personal level, life is just so much different when you don't hate it. It's, I mean, it's, I don't know, I can't think of a single aspect of life that hasn't been improved by it. I can't think of a single thing. You could ask me anything, has this improved? And my answer would be yes. You know, I sleep better, I feel better in the morning. I'm just generally happier when things don't go right during the day. It doesn't bug me. You know, when I do a sales pitch to somebody and it doesn't work, the, you know, the fear of rejection used to have the Darth Vader music playing in the background in my mind. It's, you know, it used to be, well, they might reject me. Now that same sentence is, they might reject me, whatever, move on to the next one. So, the, and that, you know, that goes through meeting new people. It goes through, you know, I've just met so many, so many people that are just awesome, awesome people in the last 6 months that I wouldn't have met. If I hadn't have hit this thing and, you know, got it, got it sorted. It's not 100% sorted, but it's certainly, you know, I'm about 85, 90% of the way there now. I don't know, it's just everything, everything. It's— that's my answer. Absolutely everything has been improved by it.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 37:57
Well done. I'm very happy for you. I love hearing that. See, there you go. It's a happy ending, but it's not ended. I mean, the journey continues and As you say, it's ongoing. And what's inspiring to me is the level of commitment that you've given this, right? The investment in yourself, the commitment to overcoming this every day, regardless of how much it hurts. And like you said, being accountable, being an adult about it and saying, this is my life and I'm choosing, I can choose to stay in the fear and in my procrastination cubbyhole, or I could face it, and the results speak for themselves, which is just brilliant.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 38:39
Thanks, man, I appreciate it. Well, yeah, look, I mean, the, the dream for me really is to just get to that point where, you know, there is no effect from those, from those sort of situations. I mean, I'm really inspired by both my wife and my son, but particularly my son. He, he's, he's a lot like my wife, thank God. Um, what really inspires me about him is he's not particularly gifted in sports and things like that. And he'll come home from school and they'll have had the cross-country, and he'll come home and then, you know, he'll say to me, uh, we had our, we had our cross-country today. And I said, oh, okay, you know, how many people were in the race? And then you're, oh, about 100. Oh yeah, where did you come? I came last. And for me, that would have been, oh God, it would have been weeks until I had got over the humiliation of that and the self-loathing. And he thinks it's hilarious. He laughs. He says, "Oh." He goes, "Dad, literally, there was nobody behind me. I was absolutely last. They were almost packing up when I got to the finish line." But he thinks it's hilarious. And I love, love, love that about him. And that's why we were crossing the road to school the other day, and, and, you know, the— what are they called— crossing supervisor, she said to him, you know, how was your day? Oh, it was great, thank you. And she looks at me and she says, does he ever have a bad day? And I thought to myself, no, no, he doesn't. And that's because he's secure, and it's because he doesn't let those things affect him. And as a child, he's got that, you know. And I suppose for me, I feel that I I don't know whether I ever did have that as a child, but I know that I lost it if I did have it. And so I look at him and that's kind of— he's the poster boy to me of that water off a duck's back, you know, type of a thing. And the, the amazing thing is that he ends up achieving because of it anyway. And this is a real— it's amazing the lessons my son, my, my 9-year-old boy, teaches me. Um, you know, he does baseball, right? And he's decided that he wants to be a professional baseball player. And this is a kid that's really, really low skill in, in sports. Very, very, very low sort of level of coordination. But he just practices and practices and practices and practices and, you know, never gets frustrated. We'll be out there and I'll throw the ball to him for an hour straight and he'll drop every one of them. And I'm getting annoyed, but he doesn't care. He's just like, I'll get it, I'll get it eventually, you know. And it's his second season of baseball, and every week at training, he's, you know, um, you know, his first season, he was the, he was the kid that was missing the ball all the time, dropping the catches. Um, this, the second season's about to start, but he's been to 3 training sessions so far, and he is hitting that ball over the fence every time, you know. He's catching everything. And that's what amazes me is that I said to my sister the other day, you know, I, if I was to ever meet somebody who became a professional baseballer, despite the fact that they weren't particularly good at it, it's my boy because he'll just keep doing it and doing it until he gets good at it. And that's, you know, I suppose the, the whole thing for me, the whole story, I guess, you know, for people that are, that are sort of listening to this is that. If you put yourself in the center of the solution to what's going on, you will get there. You know, if you take accountability for it and you say, it's me, you know, and just be harsh, just look in that mirror and just say, I'm sorry, man, but it's you. It's not the world. It's— the world is not to blame. They owe you absolutely nothing. Nobody, you know, is, is indebted to you to solve your problems. You know, lean on your friends, lean on your family, of course, and be prepared, obviously, to help other people if they, if they ask for it. It's kind of, it's almost like a be prepared to help but don't expect help in return. That's kind of the way that you need to look at this and just be, you know, have that childlike optimism. Just things don't go your way, just say, okay, cool, move on to the next one and just keep building because it's amazing how, it's amazing how much more you achieve. Doing that than trying to force it.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 43:05
Yeah, I really love that. Yeah, thank you for sharing that about your son as well. He sounds like a, a beautiful kid, and like you've described, a big inspiration to you, which is just brilliant. Um, Adam, we're coming to the end of our time together, and I've got a final question for you that I'd like to ask all the guests, and that is for people that are listening to this who can relate maybe they've had a similar experience in their youth, or at least the result of that has been that fear of failure, of rejection, and all the resulting experiences. So if they can relate to any of that, is there something you'd like to say to them right now?
Aveline Clark (Host) · 43:46
Yeah, absolutely. Don't put it— don't put it to the side. You confront it and use the people in your life that you can lean on to to help. But just confront it. Just find your place. Find your place in that issue and confront the hell out of it. And probably even more importantly than that, just know that you can overcome it because you feel absolutely hopeless when you're there and you don't feel like there's any way out. Um, but you just— I don't know, this— you just gotta— you gotta find a way to sort of confront it and find a way to just kind of just move forward one, one day at a time and just say, just, I'll get there. I will get there.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 44:35
Thank you. Yeah, great advice, Adam. Thank you for your time today and sharing your story. Thank you for opening up and going there. It's such a heartwarming story. Like, I feel really inspired by here from hearing it. And I think that there's a lot of people also take a lot of warmth and heart and inspiration from it as well.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 44:57
Well, thanks for— thanks for giving me the opportunity to come on here and talk about it. I really appreciate it.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 45:03
You're welcome. Thanks so much, Adam.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 45:05
Good on you. Thanks, everybody.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 45:12
We hope you've enjoyed this episode of Kintsugi Heroes. Please like and share the show to your friends so we can get this out to even more people. If you have a story you'd like to share with us, please reach out using the contact details below. And join us next week for our next hero's story. Until then, keep being you, and remember that we are all heroes in our own unique way.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 45:39
Only when it's broken Only when it's broken. When it hits you in the middle of the night and the truth burns so bright.
Adam Walsh (Guest) · 45:56
Only when it's broken. Only when it's broken. Take pride in this cry.
Aveline Clark (Host) · 46:07
It's only for tonight, and then you rise. Only when you're broken. Only when you're broken. Only when you're broken.
Subscribe
Spotify
Apple