Kintsugi Heroes
The gold in the fractures
David Kernahan
A father who lost his son learns that grace is the choice to find beauty in the rubble, and live whole.
Kintsugi Studio
Kintsugi Heroes
David Kernahan
A father who lost his son learns that grace is the choice to find beauty in the rubble, and live whole.
You don't have to be in crisis to call.
David Kernahan grew up in Scotland until age nine, when his family moved to Western Australia. He arrived at a new school as the outsider: nerdy, accented, unable to play the sports that defined belonging. At home and at school, there was no safe place, so he learned early to survive by turning inward and by looking after the people around him. His father told him that men don't cry. That lesson stuck. David trained as a mental health nurse, the first time he felt part of a team that accepted him. He became a minister, then left the church. He worked as CEO of several not-for-profits, giving homeless and vulnerable men the dignity of their names and their presence. He built a life that looked solid. He had four children, a marriage, a purpose.
In January 2009, his youngest son Matthew fell from a three-storey gutter. David sat by his bedside for a month, watching his son slip away. When Matthew's second bleed came and David knew his son would not want to live with severe disability, he made the choice to move to palliative care. In those final days, David kept silent vigil at Matthew's bed, honouring the life of the boy he had wanted to give everything to. The death of Matthew fractured the marriage. It also fractured something David had held separate for 38 years: his sexual identity. One night at two in the morning, David woke and knew he could not keep living divided. Either he would take his own life or he would find a way to be whole.
For four years after Matthew's death, David made a deliberate choice to find beauty in small things: a leaf turning in autumn, a flower in spring. That search for beauty was how he remembered grace and stayed alive. His ex-wife and he rebuilt a deep friendship, never criticizing each other to their children, maintaining their dignity through the wreckage. Today David lives as himself, integrated, at peace. He says there is no regret for the life he has had, only regret for the pain he caused. He carries Matthew's presence still. And he carries the belief that grace, beauty, and the choice to look for both are possible, even in the rubble.
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