Greg Boerma
Greg Boerma learned that joy and happiness are not the same thing, and that taking full responsibility for your own wellbeing makes you whole enough to show up for others.
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Greg Boerma grew up in a big family surrounded by sport, movement, and the constant pull to try the next thing. Swimming, basketball, water polo, scuba diving, mountain biking, ice hockey, he gave everything a go and found richness in that variety. His father's early nudge to join different sports pulled him out of shyness and opened a way of seeing the world that never quite closed: the ability to notice wow in a flower, a camera, a conversation. That childlike engagement with life became his foundation.
But life broke him in ways that mattered. A light plane crash left him with spinal injuries and years of painkillers. Loss came in forms that changed him. He found meditation not as escape but as a tool to sit with pain and still a mind that would not rest. Over time, a shift happened: he learned that happiness is transient, here while the ice cream lasts, gone when it isn't, while joy is something deeper. Joy runs underneath even sadness and trauma. It is not a feeling you chase. It is a state you build and tend, a thing you wake up with if you have done the work to make space for it.
What Greg discovered is that this work is not selfish. Taking full responsibility for your own wellbeing at one hundred percent does not close you off from others; it opens you to them. When you stop carrying past trauma into the present moment, you stop dragging it into the future. When you spend time in gratitude for breakfast, a camera, hand drums, the chance to sit with someone and listen, you shift what your attention finds. In relationships, forgiveness matters more than perfection. And the thing that actually heals is not listening to what someone else says should work for you, it is owning it, making it your own truth, and living from that place.
“Happiness is a transient thing. Whereas joy is something that is ongoing at a very deep level. And for me, even though the sadnesses that I've had in my life, like everybody else has, the traumas, even though those are there, at the same time, I have that joy that underpins me.”
“No, no longer do I choose joy. I wake up with joy. It's part of who I am now.”
“I realize that no, looking after myself 100%, everybody else would benefit anyway. So in a sense, it's not really selfish.”
The hero, today
Joy, for Greg, is an ongoing state that underlies even sadness and trauma, different from happiness which is transient and dependent on moments passing. Greg wakes each day with joy as part of who he is now, not as something he chooses, because he made a decision years ago to look after his well-being at 100 per cent responsibility. When Greg brings the past into the present moment, he carries that trauma into the future, so he practices living in the now without regurgitating old pain. Gratitude keeps Greg focused on what is healthy in life rather than dwelling on what he calls unhealthy, and it shifts his attention away from the negative feedback loop that most humans naturally follow. In relationships, forgiveness and providing a safe space for others to process what they are going through matters more than expecting perfection from the people who love us. Owning a truth and making it your own is what gives it meaning, purpose, and the power to heal.
Yes. Greg Boerma is a real person who shared their own story in their own words. Kintsugi Heroes is a not-for-profit that shares first-person stories of overcoming adversity, told with the person's consent.
Kintsugi Heroes, a registered Australian not-for-profit. Every story is shared with the hero's own consent and reviewed under Kintsugi Heroes' trauma-informed content standard before it goes public.
Joy, for Greg, is an ongoing state that underlies even sadness and trauma, different from happiness which is transient and dependent on moments passing.
Greg wakes each day with joy as part of who he is now, not as something he chooses, because he made a decision years ago to look after his well-being at 100 per cent responsibility.
When Greg brings the past into the present moment, he carries that trauma into the future, so he practices living in the now without regurgitating old pain.
Gratitude keeps Greg focused on what is healthy in life rather than dwelling on what he calls unhealthy, and it shifts his attention away from the negative feedback loop that most humans naturally follow.
John Milham (Host) · 00:05
Welcome back to Kintsugi Heroes, helping people tell the stories they need to share so you can find the stories that you need to hear. In this episode, John Millum is joined by Greg Birmer, a man whose journey through life's ups and downs is both profound and enlightening. Growing up in a large family and excelling in various sports, Greg's path took many unexpected unexpected turns, including careers in teaching, architecture, and ultimately counseling. Through his own experiences of trauma, such as the loss of a child and surviving a plane crash, Greg learned to address grief and adversity with meditation, gratitude, and a focus on personal well-being. Enjoy this one with Greg Burma. Welcome once again to Kintsugi Heroes Stories That Matter, and today we're going to get a little deep, right? We're going to get deep, maybe a little bit into the man's world, um, maybe a little bit of reflection on, um, on the nature of, uh, of life's journey, the tough times and the good. Our connections. And we're going to do that because we have a wise man with us, a man who supports others, is a counselor and friend focused on men's health, and in particular an area that is, that is a rich area for support. But of course, it's a very challenging area for the community to deal with. And that's bereavement and loss. So welcome, Greg Bormer. Welcome today to Consider Heroes Stories That Matter.
Greg Boerma (Guest) · 01:57
Thank you, John. It's great to be here and to be able to share with you and your audience.
John Milham (Host) · 02:03
We're going to look forward to hearing the snippets, mate, the snippets of wisdom and understanding, of which there'll be many. Now, because you have had lots of training, you're a qualified counselor and, you know, been you know, participate in lots of education that will give you lots of qualification. But even more importantly for Kintsugi Heroes, you are well qualified in lived experience expertise. Greg, tell us a little bit about how you get to the place where you're looking after people through bereavement and focusing on men in particular today.
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This conversation includes a big family and everything else, shyness broken by saying yes, a polymath's list, childlike wonder as a way of living, the difference between happiness and joy and meditation and the plane crash.
Greg Boerma (Guest) · 02:44
Wow, big question. I grew up in a family of 6. Always loved being in a big family. I was highly involved in, in sport, and I, um, to an elite level in a number of different sports. So I always had people around me, always had family around me. And so as my life progressed, I got married, had children, uh, It started in the education system, teaching, then moved into architecture, and now in counseling. I've, I've done— having a big family, I've done a lot of different jobs, including buses and coaches around Sydney, cleaning, coaching various sporting teams, swimming school. You name it, I've done so much. But it's, it's been a beautiful set of experiences in my life and it's given me a wide view of just everything that is in life and how beautiful life can be depending on our perceptions, what we allow ourselves to see in the world around us. Yes, um, so that's the journey.
John Milham (Host) · 04:06
Yeah, but that That's a fascinating kind of CV, right? You know, a lot of people— did you, um, you know, with your big family and so on, did you feel like you were— that gave you freedom to be, you know, to pursue different things? Or, you know, or were you sort of pushed like so many people, pushed in a direction but rebelled against it or embraced it? What was that experience?
Greg Boerma (Guest) · 04:32
No, not at all. I, I, I've always lived life and wanted to be involved in as many things as possible, to experience as many things as possible. I remember, um, that most of my fellow teenagers would be getting records in those days, the old vinyls, and they'd have a collection. I only had two, only two. One was a, a long play, and I forget the other one, the short play. But music I listened to happened to be on the radio going to sport, coming back from sport, etc. So yeah, I wanted to be involved in life, and I didn't want life to be where I just like one type of music, one type of genre. I— if I liked classical, it might have been one classical piece, I loved it. Um, and I— that's how I've looked at life, to give everything a go, give everything an opportunity. And it just enriched my life in such a powerful way. So I never was forced into anything. Um, yes, Dad encouraged me, and to my, um, uh, bucking up against the system a bit, as they say, um, to getting involved in various sports. But I look back, and if Dad didn't do that I would not have had all those wonderful experiences. And, and it took me out of being a shy person. I used to be a very shy person. So life has progressed, and I allow myself the opportunity to try whatever comes down my path along my journey.
John Milham (Host) · 06:16
It's interesting, you know, you say you, um, you know, like you've— you're sharing that you were very interested in sort of, you know, active in doing different things. Being good at sport often involves flow and concentration and focus, right? So you went to the elite level. What were your sports?
Greg Boerma (Guest) · 06:40
Oh, weird ones. If I can put it, my two main ones, I guess, was swimming and basketball. But I was a scuba diving instructor. I did water polo. I loved bike riding and I used to do mountain biking and road riding. I did ice hockey. Where do you want me to stop? I loved it all.
John Milham (Host) · 07:06
I'm exhausted. Stop already. I'm interested, like, moving to mastery, constantly seeking that highest expression. You're like, you're balancing kind of multi-participation but also focusing and learning skills and developing in an area. So, you know, is that just being a polymath? Is that you, or did you find particular skills to do that?
Greg Boerma (Guest) · 07:34
Um, I, I, I just enjoyed it, and I— and because I enjoyed it and I allowed myself that opportunity I gave it a go and found, wow, this is fascinating, this is wonderful, this is life, this is living. It's, it's not sitting around and waiting for something. No, it's, it's about going out. And, and even in my life now, I'm, I'm still doing those things. Um, as, as a friend said to me, uh, probably 3, 4, 5 years ago, and I was taken back a little bit for a fraction of a second. She said to me, Greg, you're childlike. And I thought, what? And then I thought, no, no, you need to ask. Don't jump to any conclusion, which we can do quite often. I've learned to not do that these days. And I said, so what do you mean by that? And she said, Greg, you are like a child. You see wow in so many things. When we go out for a bushwalk, wow for this, the flowers, photography, whatever. And I guess that's just a reflection of who I am, that I am engaged in every aspect of life, and, and I see the beauty and the joy and the happiness And I don't— that, yes, you'd also see the pain and the anguish and so forth, but it's what underlies you that is so, so important. And if I may say at this point, and this I try and put into my counseling as well, um, I once thought that happiness was the way to go until I read the book The Happiness Trap. Changed my thinking. And I realized that happiness for me, my reality, and it's become my truth, is that happiness is a transient thing. That as a child, as long as they're eating that ice cream, they're happy and they're probably going, "Wow." Maybe not. As soon as it's gone, what do they say? "Can I have another? More please. More, more, more please." You know, that sort of thing. The happiness only lasts as long as the experience lasts. Whereas joy is something that is ongoing at a very deep level. And for me, even though the sadnesses that I've had in my life, like everybody else has, the traumas, even though those are there, at the same time, I have that joy that underpins me and keeps me going and keeps me focused on the fact that life is what it is. And I choose what I want to have in my life. I used to choose joy. I've started a program for myself after my morning meditation. Today I'm choosing joy, Greg. Until one day a friend put online on Facebook some question about, so where does your happiness come from? What, you know, do you have to do something for happiness, etc.? And I started to write, yes, every day I choose joy. And then I realized, and I changed what I was putting to, no, no, no longer do I choose joy. I wake up with joy. It's part of who I am now. And so, yeah, I want to have a smile. That doesn't mean there aren't the serious moments in life as well, and the sad ones.
John Milham (Host) · 11:21
So it's interesting, it sounds like, um, being present to that moment is a particularly important part of you choosing or having joy daily. How do you— you mentioned meditation. Is that— was that a skill you developed, like being present? Most people, you know, are challenged by the— by, by working in the moment, right?
Greg Boerma (Guest) · 11:46
Yeah. Um, I, I, I made a decision, oh, years ago, can't remember how many now, but where I wanted to heal myself from the various traumas in my life. As I said, everybody goes through traumas and challenges. And a woman once said, a number, uh, online, that, um, your well-being is 100% your responsibility. And I started thinking about that. Because my life was about my family, my life was about my students. When I became a school principal, it was about my, my teachers and the parents, etc. It's about others. Like most people, most people have that as, as their basis. But I realized I need to look after my well-being, and I always thought, if I do things for me, that's really selfish. It's about giving to others, giving back as well. And this woman said that if you look after your own well-being 100%, that you're going to be the best version of who you are, and you can then continue to unfold in your life. Because none of us are perfect and we make lots of mistakes and as we go through life, but it's improving, and that as we go through life. And I realized that no, looking after myself 100%, everybody else would benefit anyway. So in a sense, it's not really selfish. And I thought, wow, that's pretty cool. So I went down that path. I started doing meditations because of twofold. Well, maybe more than two, but one was I was in a plane crash, a light plane crash, a bunch of years ago, which left me with some spinal injuries and a lot of pain and a lot of painkillers over many years. I'm now off the painkillers. However, I do wake up most days with pain. So the meditation was a way for me to get up with that pain and just let it go. Just release it, relax. The other thing with it is that I wanted to still my mind. I had huge problems trying to go to sleep. Having a big family, your brain is thinking— well, maybe it's not a big family, maybe it's just me, but my brain was going all over the place, and I, and I needed to calm my brain down. Sorry, my mind, not my brain, my mind down. And I real— and I started the process of meditation. It took me a number of years before I started to see within myself those benefits of a calmer mind. I'm now— I'm actually coming to sleep, and I'm not staying awake for 2, 3, 4 hours and thinking, oh, I wish I could go to sleep. So living in the now is so important. I thought I was living in the now as a result of doing these different things. Until I realized that when I bring the past into the present or into the now, that I'm actually putting that present— that past in the present into my future. We started talking, what, 10, 15, 20 minutes ago, and what we started on was going to be now is in the future to then. And so I realized, no, hang on, I don't want to bring my traumas into the present. I don't want that to go into the future and to keep regurgitating. And this has become a very important thing in my counseling and just support life for other people, and that to live in the— in this now, and it's not necessarily the easiest thing to do. Because we've learned for so long memories are so important. And me being a photographic artist, as one of the other things I do, and I use that therapeutically in counseling as well, that that's in a sense taking a snapshot in time or something. But, and it's, it's one of those things, how do I present that so that it's now in this now and not necessarily in the past now. And it can do that as well. So yeah, that's, that's part of the journey for me.
John Milham (Host) · 16:29
So it's interesting when you talk about trauma. Of course, Bessel van der Kolk, you know, The Body Keeps the Score, talks about, um, you know, having, um, you know, trauma we go through. It's not the trauma or the event itself. And of course, a plane crash is a huge sort of event and it leaves you with consequences, but it's the experience of that that we then hang on to. So we, you know, we take, you know, we can. So given that, you know, like you've, you know, both emotionally, you're like the family, and physically things like plane crashes, that's like, it would be, it's, you know, it's wild to say, oh yeah, I was in a plane crash and I'm still— that's pretty impressive, right? There's a small subset of the population that say that. But yeah, so how do you, like, how do you, you know, have that experience and then, you know, obviously through training or, you know, wisdom, how do you take the lessons from those things into the present but leave the experience where it belongs in the past?
Greg Boerma (Guest) · 17:39
It's a process and it takes can take a lot of time. Uh, I've been doing the meditation over probably 4 or 5 years now, so somewhere around 2018 roughly, where I've made a decision that I'm going to place— look after my well-being 100%, that I'm going to look for the truth not my reality or another person's reality, but the actual truth. By spending time in gratitude— gratitude has been really, really important to me. While I'm being— I have gratitude, I'm not then thinking about all the unhealthy things in life. We tend to focus— human beings seem to focus on the unhealthy. One only has to look at the news. The news has very few happy endings, situations. Yes, there are those, but there's not a lot of it. And so I want to focus on being grateful for everything in my life and to sit down and to be grateful that I can have this conversation with you. I don't have to be in the studio with you. Grateful that I have a light behind me so you can see me. Grateful I was able to have breakfast this morning. Grateful that I am physically able to sit here and do this interview with you and do my counseling and everything else. Grateful that I have a camera so I can go out and take photos. Grateful that I, um, have West African hand drums and do hand drumming workshops and therapeutic ones. I'm all the things— have a car that I can get around the greater Blue Mountains where I live and be out in my greater nature. I used to say to myself, I'm going out into nature, or to people, but I realized that I am nature, that you are nature, we are all nature. And it's so therapeutic for us to be in our greater nature. And so In life, for me, it's that therapy that is so important, and it's about looking at how do I reframe my life so I'm not always looking at the negative, which people call negative. I'd rather call it the unhealthy because I don't see negative and positive. There's not good or bad. There is just the challenges in life which help to grow us and to unfold us to our potential. And then when we do that, we can support and encourage other people by just being who we are.
John Milham (Host) · 20:41
Absolutely right. I'm fascinated though, say if we go back to, you know, you talked about big family and that all that energy you were putting in experiencing things and so on. Um, how— like, there's a whole, whole bunch of, of, you know, feedback you're getting from life, right? Stuff that tells you you're successful or that, you know, that, you know, you're doing a good job or worthiness, right? And we, we get attached to that. How do you— what, what are— how do you let go of that, right? To to, to, to find that, you know, the, the balance, to, you know, to find the other in our lives.
Greg Boerma (Guest) · 21:28
Yeah. At, uh, when was it, in 2020 I think it was, I came across someone else's statement that I am totally independent of the good or bad opinions of others, that's flattery or criticism. And I started to think about that, or meditate on that. So being independent, that totally— I'm not allowing myself to go down. If people criticize me, that's their issue. And criticism, with that, for most of us, it tends to bring us down. We tend to put ourselves down as well. Then we start criticizing, oh, I'm no good at this, whatever. And flattery on the— as well, it's elevating us above everybody else, and it's saying, well, I'm the best, I'm this, I'm that. And as soon as we do that, we can't live a life of even keel. It means you either put yourself below everybody else or above everybody else. And being a sportsperson, there can be a lot of flattery.
John Milham (Host) · 22:36
And I—
Greg Boerma (Guest) · 22:37
it's really tough, I think, for people who are in the public's eye in sport, in, in the music industry, in politicians, you know, any area where people are held up or criticized, put down, it's tough for them because they can't live an even life and, and be with everybody else. How often have we heard a movie star say, I just want to be able to walk down the road and be like everybody else? It's a tough gig for them.
John Milham (Host) · 23:14
Yeah, yeah, we're conditioned to seek that, aren't we? We're conditioned to feel significance, you know, and seek significance amongst, uh, you know, you know, that's one of the dichotomies of life. Yeah, yeah. What, what, um, of course, you know, like we're talking about, um, uh, a state, you know, that our psychological and emotional state, but of course that translates into relationships and, and interactions in the world. How do you— like, where did you go through? You know, like, you yourself came from a big family, and of course you have a big family. How did that play out in those relationships? You know, like, because when we're— you know, it's one thing to have, you know, that sort of equilibrium personally, but then we're in the middle of this dance with others. How How does that happen? How do you manage to stay equally, you know, what is it, balanced in that situation?
Greg Boerma (Guest) · 24:18
Yeah, uh, as for everyone, it's— I'm no different— it's not easy. And we allow our— we have, all of us have feelings, and it's what we do with those feelings, our emotions, that impact those things. And in relationships at any level, whether it's an intimate relationship, whether it's a work relationship, a friend relationship, that what, what I've realized is that it's incredibly important to forgive each other. We have this idea that another person needs to be perfect We don't say it, but we, in reality, in our reality, we allow that to happen. And quite often in a relationship, people can feel hurt because the other person, whoops, said something not so nice. Well, what happens if they had a bad sleep that night and they're waking up cranky? Well, you know, that's understandable. It's what they do with their tiredness and so forth, of course. But our response— how do we respond? We often can respond with hurt. I'm hurt. You hurt me. You said something not nice. You did something not nice. And this is the person that loves us, if it's an intimate relationship, rather than saying, okay, how do I provide a safe space for this person to process what they're going through now?
John Milham (Host) · 25:56
That sounds like you. What a beautiful example of the rhythm of life and connection. And you've given us a lot of wonderful experience, but also a lot of insight, a lot of stuff for us to go and ponder and maybe work on our own meaning around things. So it's been an absolute joy to chat and, and I would just like to thank you for, uh, so much truth and, uh, so much wisdom. Good on you, Greg.
Greg Boerma (Guest) · 26:29
Thank you, John. Much appreciated. It's been wonderful to be able to share these things, and I just hope that people not only listen but that they take in, and then they make whatever's been said by you or myself or anybody else and make it their truth if that's what they see as important in their life. Because it's not until we own something that it actually has meaning and purpose and heals us in our own lives. So thank you.
John Milham (Host) · 27:01
Thank you for listening to this episode of Kintsugi Heroes. Thank you to Colin Lilley for permission to use "Broken" as our theme music for this series. If you enjoyed this conversation, share the podcast with a friend, and let us know by leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you'd like to support Kintsugi Heroes and the stories we share, head to kintsugiheroes.com.au and follow the instructions to make a tax-deductible donation. Thank you for listening, and we'll see you next time.
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