Filipe Gama de Silva
A Generous Life of Advocacy and Community for Men's Mental Health with Filipe Gama e Silva
A CEO learns that belonging, not programs, stops male suicide. Now he is building it at scale.
Hear this story
Kintsugi Studio
Filipe Gama de Silva
A CEO learns that belonging, not programs, stops male suicide. Now he is building it at scale.
Hear this story
Filipe Gama de Silva grew up in Brisbane, the son of Portuguese immigrants who moved to Australia because his mother loved Skippy the Bush Kangaroo. Dyslexia forced him to get comfortable being uncomfortable, to stand up and read aloud in class despite ridicule, and to learn that he could survive it. At 17, he saw an orphanage in Cambodia collapse when its main funder went broke, and realised that good people doing good work still fail without the business acumen to keep the doors open. That moment changed everything. He chose the unglamorous work of keeping organisations alive, the behind-the-scenes role that doesn't get applause but makes everything else possible.
Filipe worked in private health, in statutory out-of-home care, and in the commercial sector, always learning how to plan, communicate, and execute at scale. Six months ago, he became CEO of Mentoring Men. In his first months, he listened hard to mentors, mentees, and the community, and kept hearing one word: belonging. Men needed a judgment-free space where they could be their true selves without pretending. He discovered that the problem isn't that men won't seek help; it's that the barriers are so complicated that it's hard for anyone to navigate. Belonging is what changes that.
Now Filipe's vision is to scale belonging across the country, and to shift what masculinity means. Strength is not control or pushing through alone. It's vulnerability. It's talking about what's on your mind. It's taking charge of your own wellbeing. He's building that culture through weekly men's breakfasts and peer support gatherings where men show up, support each other, and invite others into the fold. He carries the weight of knowing he's the custodian of a community, not just a service. That burden keeps him honest.
“there are really good people doing really good work here but unless you have the business acumen to keep the place alive your services can't be delivered”
“if it's a contrived environment where you have to be someone that you not in order to be accepted well is that true belonging”
“I'm strong because I'm vulnerable and that's why I'm strong”
The hero, today
Having someone in your corner, like his mother spending an hour and a half each night helping him read, teaches you that support makes the difference between giving up and getting through. Good people doing good work still fail without the business acumen to keep the organisation alive, which is why the behind-the-scenes financial and operational work matters as much as the frontline service. Belonging is a judgment-free space where you can be your true self without pretending to be someone you're not in order to be accepted. Strength in masculinity means being vulnerable, taking charge of your own wellbeing, and talking about what's on your mind, not hiding or pushing through alone. Men do seek help, and the problem is not that men won't reach out but that the barriers to getting help are so complicated that it's hard for anyone to navigate. Sharing your own story and inviting others to share theirs changes the conversation, because the man sitting next to you might think if you sought help, maybe he can too.
Yes. Filipe Gama de Silva is a real person who shared their own story in their own words. Kintsugi Heroes is a not-for-profit that shares first-person stories of overcoming adversity, told with the person's consent.
Kintsugi Heroes, a registered Australian not-for-profit. Every story is shared with the hero's own consent and reviewed under Kintsugi Heroes' trauma-informed content standard before it goes public.
Having someone in your corner, like his mother spending an hour and a half each night helping him read, teaches you that support makes the difference between giving up and getting through.
Good people doing good work still fail without the business acumen to keep the organisation alive, which is why the behind-the-scenes financial and operational work matters as much as the frontline service.
Belonging is a judgment-free space where you can be your true self without pretending to be someone you're not in order to be accepted.
kugi Heroes acknowledges funding and was made possible with support from the community broadcasting Foundation find out more at cbf.org [Music] welcome back to kugi Heroes helping people tell the stories they need to share so you can find the stories that you need to hear in this episode John milum dives into the life of Felipe GMA a Sila bornn and raised in Brisbane Felipe's journey into community service started early a life-changing trip to Cambodia at 17 opened his eyes to the impact of dedicated help on struggling communities despite grappling with dyslexia from a young age Felipe overcame adversity with the unwavering support of his family now as CEO of mentoring men fipe is focused on fostering a culture of belonging and support he has certainly transformed his challenges into powerful mentorship for men across the country enjoy this one with Felipe GMA Silva so listeners welcome back to kugi Heroes uh the stories that matter and uh it's a it's a huge day today I get to uh uh talk today and share that chat with you the listeners at kugi Heroes uh with a well what would have to be described as a a man in my who is leading my favorite or one of my favorite organizations and uh is also uh completely and arly engaged in a in um service to my favorite cause which is men's mental health so uh Philip g g Sila or S Silva sorry brother no you're right e Sila g e Sila so Philip GMA Silva right which we I now know is only a fraction of your name but um welcome to kugi Heroes stories of matter now Philipe you are the CEO of mentoring men and you have uh you've taken over that position uh well nine months ago is it or no not quite about six now April May April May is it all blows blurs into one yeah so very much a um this is a fresh challenge but not uh but you are a um have a long history of serving uh in well-being uh commercial Enterprises and with a focus on supporting others and supporting the community so Philip welcome and um tell us a little bit about uh Philip gamma s Silva Silva yeah um wellow where do you start uh look I'm I'm born and raised in in Brisbane and uh and have ended up in in Sydney but I'm I'm living out in the beautiful Southern Highlands so our little manly office is a bit of a commute but yeah that's okay yeah get through there um look I I think I definitely had the privilege growing up of of having a beautiful family uh around me and um one of the things that I think so so my parents if I if I will had had immigrated to to Australia from Portugal when they first got married funnily enough purely and solely because my mother grew up watching Skippy the Bush Kangaroo no word of a lie wow that is uh I heard that I heard Skippy was big in Portugal and Spain so there you go yeah it was so she she grew up as a child watching that watching that TV show and when she first met my dad she's like well if we're going to have a future together it's got to be in Australia and dad was like yeah okay whatever I'll do that's a massive story yeah so that was that was why they chose to move and and to Brisbane of all places which of course at the time coming from a European country there wasn't a single coffee shop in Brisbane no the cultural shock for them uh would have been quite significant my goodness and of course now we've embraced The Coffee Culture courtesy of some European influence of course right with you know Australia and it's you know is heavily influenced with multiculturally uh and one of the benefits is our Great Coffee Culture what it's interesting too you're you're B mentoring men's based at Manley and one of the Skippy episodes I remember fondly is the surf Carnival that the that uh Tony was uh the helicopter pilot was swimming in right was at Manley right so you living a Skippy episode mate yeah living my mother's uh my mother's dream then hey so you you were born in Brisbane right so uh which is congratulations on getting out that's not always possible so you know fantastic work but uh yeah so how on Earth did you come up with a with an idea of saying well I'm going to I'm a businessman I'm going to be you know I'm going to take on some you know big stuff I'm going to look at you know educating myself and getting into commercial stuff but with a bottom line what how did you become interested in the bottom line of community service yeah uh they really simply and remember it like like day it was uh when I was 17 CU in Queensland at the time you graduated high school at 17 yeah I bought a a ticket overseas it was sort of the second time one first time I went with my school and then the second time I went on my own and uh I was in Cambodia and and part of spending my time there there was this orphanage that that went that went belly up the their main funder uh went out sort of went broke himself and so they we had to sort of find places for for these 60 odd kids in this orphanage that it was a locally based organization and it was at that time when I guess I was searching to go I knew I wanted to do something that gave back I was probably exploring the notion of doing a you know Social Work degree or something along those lines but it was in that moment where I looked around and and thought there are really good people doing really good work here but unless you have the business acument to keep the place alive your services can't be delivered and so that was when I when I saw it and said that's where I need to be I need to I need to be that that quiet person in the background that know you know that keeps the doors open I felt that's where I was called to go and it's challenging sometimes because you have to sort of draw on the notion that you're doing good and that you're having an impact because you don't get the luxury always of of being able to share those opportunities and those experiences with others because you're sitting in front of a spreadsheet you're writing a report you're you know you're talking about all the good but you don't get to feel the good that your organization's doing and um so often right you the the front line put up pulled up on stage and given the the bouquet of flowers right but the accountant doesn't get that same privilege sometimes right or the no the exactly um but yeah so that that that was that was the journey and and and I think we all just have that part to play it it keeping you know whether it be mentoring men or any other charity alive as you would know very well it's there's a lot of C to that little machine yeah very true what are you good at Philip didn't realize this was a job interview growing up I was dyslexic right and so that taught you a number of things yeah the very first thing was was self-confidence the the worst experience that I would always have at school was when the teacher would ask you to randomly stand up in class and read and so if if they were going around the room I'd sort of try and figure out okay I'm sentence three so I'll start reading over and over and try to memorize sentence three and I could do that but the worst was when it was just random and you were put on the spot and so that in itself sort of got me very comfortable I had to be comfortable in the uncomfortable and I had to be comfortable with getting up there and not being able to read a sentence when you know a lot of the kids were having a bit of a chuckle cu's this guy that can't piece a sentence and just being okay with that and so what that taught me was I guess I sort of just became I'm I feel comfortable in crowds because I've had to be comfortable in crowds and so I've had that ridicule I've had that laughter and and so doesn't bother me I'm okay to get up there and I'm okay to talk and I'm okay to put my heart on my sleeve CU I don't fear that judgment um it's not that I don't care about their opinion um but I don't fear that judgment and I think by virtue being dislexic and and and it's well known is you're forced to think outside of the box you're forced to explore those other you know those other avenues to find the little Works to to get you to where you want to be so especially in that business in that organization it's lens it's well where there is a problem it's the ability to to sort of step back and go there's got to be another way we can deal with this and and coming up with that that other work around so interesting I hear in your description of that like you know a really well an Adaptive response that's really useful to you right which is really exciting so many in that situation that that uh you know that moment of exposure has caused ongoing problems why why do you think you were different is that something about your childhood or yeah I think so I think definitely I I have very very supportive parents still do very blessed and privileged to to be able to have that uh and they definitely taught me taught me those elements those elements of resilience to go well it's okay and and sort of reinforce you know that there would be times where yourself out yourself and you go I'm stupid I'm dumb I'm whatever this and and especially having that you know a big part of why mentoring men resonates with me so much yeah is you know that notion of having someone in your corner yeah and and especially with my mother you know I had her in my corner a book that sh Kate that took every kid 15 minutes to read after school would take me an hour and a half and she was you know full-time or part-time working you know raising me and my sister and and obviously my dad was at work as well and she we would she'd be cooking dinner she'd still find the hour and a half and force me to read that book and and you know spend that time and she was just always in my corner to get me through it so so having that rock and that Foundation uh was was probably a massive part to it and I think probably in later years in high school that then stem out into connections with with other you know other members of the staff you know whether it be teaching or non- teing staff that probably two you know two people really come to mind that um that were there that helped me along the way as well it's interesting because you you know your first employment was through the school system and and so on too that's yes it was yeah yeah yeah so I ended up working at the at the school that I went to um actually that's not entirely true my first well during High School I did a little bit of dabbling in in Channel 7 doing some little promo editing but the first sort of gig was actually with the Australian Red Cross right um in uh in the their emergency services so n responses to natural disasters so I started as a volunteer with them I'd come back from Cambodia started with a volunteer with them and one of the yard was Hurricane yard SE or something from M had come through and and uh was also post Brisbane floods as well and and they uh that very quickly just turned into a bit of a casual job with them and I was coordinating the volunteers but I was then also working in the theater at at the college and also in the boarding house so your childhood interest I I I think you you mentioned not um not massively sporty but um art and obviously you know um film and culture right was that is that where you you know is that your particular superpower it was definitely at school I think it was it was probably yeah film and TV and and Technology as in theater technology not necessarily computers uh and Aviation I'm a fanatic for for deviation so that that's a shared interest of my father and myself as well so yeah nice so all of those helping things right so you move on to tell tell us about you know when you moved out from the school system and so on so you were part of the founding crew of s is that no no no no I just worked just worked for for s that was my last role that I had before before m moving to uh to mentoring men so what was that um stepping stone towards mentoring men what was that about so you know well-being focused but you know marrying the commercial like being behind the scenes helping people get stuff done um so I guess if I take a step back it was my first when I was 19 actually I founded a not for-profit that provided free medical and physiotherapy services in Cambodia and Vietnam wow and we we generated the revenue through providing universities in Australia with clinical placements for their Physiotherapy and nursing students yeah now as I say that it was it definitely wasn't me who founded it in the same token right like it was there was an opportunity there that I saw but there were you know two or three predominantly really key people that that got behind it and and you know were were the big driving forces of of how it came to be and then I I moved on to that I ended up there was a ended up you know a while later getting a getting a gig in Sydney and then ended up working in a statutory out of home care so providing providing care for for children that were under the care of the minister but again that behind the scenes advocacy business management types of roles um and then yeah I ended up ining out mentoring men so bringing that history of like seeing the struggle these organizations these caring organizations have in being successful what has that what have you brought that will make uh your job at mentoring men um you about taking mentoring men to the next level of success yeah I one of it's interesting cuz one of the one of the motives actually for going to S up because the my was they're a private Australian start well they're not no longer a startup they're doing quite well but they're a private privately run business and one of the key you know one of the big factor of wanting to go there was to also recognize that the private sector whatever industry it might be or typically leads the way and and you have all these little not for profits that are always trailing behind because of resources whether it be Financial or human resources and so I was like here's an organization that was is growing at x% X I can't even say the word I'm tongue tired at an amazing rate right now had the largest you know uh capital capital raising in in that year in Australia and just hidden all these markets so I was like this is a high performing organization that still supports people I want to know what makes them tick and I want to understand how they tick yeah and and then bring that back into into the sector one of the key learnings from from that experience was was really the ability to to plan communicate and execute I think beyond their model being a good business model it was their internal ability to to be able to get everyone on the same page and and to get everyone working towards the same mission in the social services sector sometimes because of the complexity of what we work on it it you can end up getting bogged down in a lot of things and and so it's hard to sort of keep pushing forward if if that makes sense yeah well complexity of the sector certainly makes sense right yeah so you yeah so plan um communicate and execute fantastic you know sort of back office energy so how does that translate how if we take mentoring men as um you know this sort of beginning process right we want to want it to become a solution how do you you know take and nurture an organization how do you find out what's important to it and and what it what are its keys well first and for listening right so the last last six or so months has really been trying to listen as much as I can and meet as many of our not not only internal Community not only mentors and mentees but also the wider sector as well and and listen as much as I can so I mean today feels weird because I'm doing more of the talking than I normally do well I'm I'm glad you are because uh you we want to so the next question obviously is what did you hear what did I hear look it what is resoundingly so so so clear is and I I keep saying it and it's like I got to find another way to explain this but it's the only way that it in my mind it does Justice is we give people a place to belong yeah that was fundamentally what I heard whether it be a mentor or a mentee or a Community member that's made a referral their wife or their husband or their brother or their colleague it's hey this this BL needs a place to belong that was if if this if the values and the culture of our place reflects that then I think we've nailed it that people can belong what I then also heard was people want to be involved they're they're excited by our mission and they want to be in they want to be in the fold and they want to they want to contribute and they want to help and they want to be part of this journey and so and that was that was very clear to me as well so when you heard that were you ex you know what was the emotion you felt were you excited oh no absolutely terrified and daed absolutely it's it's uh knowing the the knowing the the amount of work especially in a small organization you know people go oh it's good you you start be SE of a small organization learn the ropes it's like yeah but there is no safety nets like you don't have a HR person to to guide you or you don't have a legal person to guide you you don't have all these other you know supports around you so but but that notion of the amount of work that you have to do the actual quantifiable time and effort that I I signed up for that and and I think that aligns with with what I was expecting yeah but it was this notion of the I call it like that burden of responsibility that the burden of responsibility really started to hit home to go this is more than just someone's you know what dividen as someone might get what's share you know what a shareholder might get and and this isn't even just the services that we provide it's the ne it's the community that we create yeah yeah and that burden to know that I'm merely the the custodian of that um that that need enables all that to happen based off the input of everyone else knowing that I don't let them down that that that weighs on me yeah that that I didn't expect to sort of hit so hard yeah um that I'm I'll I'll keep in mind for a question later just at the moment though I'm I'm just really fascinated in the message you heard about belonging what do you think belonging is you know like and even more so why is it missing why is it missing um if I go back you know what is what is belonging especially in the nature of what we do with with mentoring H it's that it's that judgment free space actually you say it best it's that that's unconditional positive regard right I mean your words I don't know how to summarize that any better and far too often you know with the on even with the Advent social media it's like ah you're sort of checking yourself against your classmates or your colleague your uni mates and people that you've journeyed through life and you go they look like they're here and look like I'm here and whatever else it might be that you sort of measure yourself against and and so there's this increasingly that notion of perhaps you have to present as someone that you might not necessarily you know that you're not and so that that safe space that's that that space to to just be your true self I think I think that's the notion of belonging because you can be part of you know you can be part of groups and circles but but but if it's a contrived environment where you have to be you have to pretend to be someone that you not in order to be accepted well is that true belonging I love that definition mate um Joiner in the interpersonal model of suicidality he talks about uh uh th thwarted belonging and being one of the great causes and of course you and I both uh you know are horrified by the statistic of men suicide right so if mentoring men can offer a place of belonging do you think it has the ability to help men generally and and you know and help prevent men's suicide in particular oh I yes I mean I don't think I know we receive feedback from from mentors and me well mentees and mentors and and we know it does because we get told it does and you know more than 68% of the blocks that that engage with us just after 3 months report feeling less lonely and uh have a more optimistic future or more more optimistic view of their future after just three months of having a relationship with someone and then of course you know those factors that lead to to suicide and and so loneliness and and having a view of the future and one's self self-image a whole host of things right but we see it every day and we we get the feedback every single day that goes hey whether it's Suicide Prevention or whether it's just being more connected in their relationship or a more connected parent or a more connected employee or member of the community it's we hear it every single day I love that helping offering belonging and then you know offering that um that safe space to the community what do we want to you know how you what do we want to do with that safe space what what's our plan to to to to build belonging there's probably there's two elements of it in in in my mind right one's a practical element and and and that practical element is how do we actually scale what we do at mentoring men how do we reach every single corner of this country because we know that those in the most Regional in remote areas are suffering even greater yeah so how do we get out to them that's that's one element of in my mind of well how do we extend that Circle of belonging but I I guess the second part to whats that future perhaps it goes One Step Beyond belonging perhaps it goes into that notion of a of a movement if you will that that changes the the discourse around what it means to be a man I if if we can get to that space where bravery and courage is rooted in giving people a place to belong to being vulnerable to dealing and talking about what what's on your mind um to take charge of your own well-being and and being able to take stock of yourself and measure yourself and if that became the definition of what it mean meant to be a man that would be the ultimate outcome yeah an outstanding idea it seems so straightforward obviously there's a it's a huge elephant to eat but um um what why do why the governments and and uh you know the system the big organizations why do they seem so lost at the moment it's interesting you say that I've been doing a lot of research I mean Ju Just last week right the the the federal government the prime minister came out with the draft draft um Suicide Prevention the you know the draft guidin guidelines right and and and it says it there like and and what we're doing at mentoring men it's like it's in the recommendation so so I don't know if they're lost because their own recommendations show what needs to be done and it's in matter of fact what mentoring men is doing and and I mean call it out out it's not just mentoring men right it's What men's table is doing it's what the man walk is doing it's what Goa for life is doing like it's not just mentoring men there are a whole host of other organizations out there that are addressing M you know different needs in a different way but all in that same ecosystem whether it be men's mental health Suicide Prevention family and domestic violence the challenge in any cause is just more broadly the government structure right like it's you when you're trying to run an organization that's so dependent on Government funding or you know pretty much entirely dependent on on Government funding aside from the donors that you have um you're very beholden to to the policies that they bring out to the budgets that they bring out and and far too often you know and we we're victims to it as well where we've delivered an amazing program we've hit all the markers that they wanted to see us hit uh arguably overd delivered actually but the budget changed yeah so there's 300K out of your cash out of your Revenue gone because it's the budget changed and that's it and there's nothing you can do about it and so it's that long-term sustainable funding that it doesn't really matter the go I don't know why but that's what always seems to just fall up the way sides is these it takes time to stand up a program it takes time to refine it and learn from it and further develop it and grow it and as you start to reach those markers you sort of just get pushed back down the ladder again or forced out out of the game right you're like all the staff if you can't pay them people can't work work and deliver the yeah yeah it's a it's a tough question and of course you know that takes lot of energy um uh to to to be a part of the policy process and advocacy process and and that's energy that isn't on the front line how do you balance that uh I think it's going back then to why to the why why are we here why do we exist what difference are we making and perhaps it's not how you balance it but it's it's perhaps where you then refine that energy and that motivation to to keep going in in terms of the organization well yeah it's you've got to separate those focuses and that's why you've got your your team and your mentors and really let them focus on on the ground supports and not let them get distracted by you know by securing the revenue and and whatever else you've got to do and trusting that they'll do an amazing job because they do so you you you talked about two things the first one was SC you know if you've got as you point out right you know mentoring men as an organization is delivering what everyone says is needed right um and uh we need to get to all the corners of the country so what are you thoughts about scale because this is a question you know that many organizations lots of doing great work on individual basis but you know how are they going to grow how are they going to offer that solution and support to anyone else so how do we get big enough well we we've mapped out a model that will get us there there's an operational model there that would fit for mentoring men trying to sort of secure the the money that we need to to bring that to to life is is the phase that we're in currently but there it's a it's a number of it's a number of things it's you and we speak to it but it's actually doing it right it's empowering Community yeah and so part of that part of that scalability is one thing is especially in our context with you know onetoone life mentoring for men it's it's not only making sure that we can train as many people as we possibly can in the skills that that mentoring gives you but it's then also starting to build and Elevate those mentors skill sets and empowering them to then be able to group together and and form their own peer support groups organically it's it's also then around more so sort of giving them the tools to do it and so those tools are not only in training and and and I won't call them qualifications but we'll say training to a degree um appren but then also apprenticeships yeah look it there's a world there where what what we're really aiming and where we'd love to get to is is sort of going well you have your level one mentor and then you have your level two and then you have your level three or however that ends up however we end up wording that yeah and and then that would sort of Define the Acuity of the mentee that you support as well uh and so that we can equi and Empower them to do that and and perhaps and a mentor mentors to other me mentors and you sort of you start building that hierarchy of support around everybody but that's really really really labor intensive to support unless you've got the systems behind you to enable that support and so it's it's sort of like human first powered through technology wow and that's where we fall short as as not just mentoring men but a lot of not for profits is you know the Advent of AI well that's amazing but we don't have the expert to bring that in and to roll that out in the way we don't have that 300,000 that we could probably spend on developing something that would you know would would work for us yeah um and a lot of organiz you know small little not for profits end up falling into that boat where it's they get choked by themselves because they they just don't have that tap because any other for-profit business would go well our margins are too high so we're going to we're going to invest x amount of dollars so that we can bring down the margins or increase margins um so our margins are too low we're going to increase sorry and we just don't have that investment fund to go let's let's improve efficiencies so it sounds like there's a responsibility here we're inviting uh you you talked about the new way of masculinity and I think you know a caring you know vulnerable masculinity also includes you know tapping into uh the choices they make commercially and professionally right so it sounds like we're inviting the professional world the commercial world to to come in and join us on the mission yeah we'd love to and that's that's part of a big part of what I'm trying to focus on at the moment is is opening those doors and and making those contacts definitely uh but perhaps you know it's if we go to that the notion of male masculinity it's it's getting it's it's getting those corporates from a practicality ability to function point of view uh but getting you know getting their leadership and and getting their their their sort of their support to go not only is this okay but but you should be proud that you're you're doing something but then second to that is getting the individuals it's getting people you know consu hero it's awesome because it's there's so many people sharing their stories and there's power in that and it normalizes it and changing that changing that dialogue from men don't seek help because it's first of all we see every single day that men do yeah the research shows that some of that contrives like to to get help in Australia is so difficult right it's amazing anyone gets help right yeah yeah right like you want a mental health plan you go to a doctor the doctor says oh no you got to book a a 30 minute consultation come back and then you go back and then you you know and so it's it's complicated even in the best of times even if you want to get help so one thing are those barriers as to me why men perhaps don't seek help but that dialogue around men not seeking help self perpetuates the issue because men then go oh well men don't seek help so I guess it's normal that I won't either and that we have to change that notion and we have to share that hey I have sought help and I have had you know we all go through you know why life challenges W life wobbles whatever you want to call it and whether you've sought clinical help or or or help from a trusted close friend or M share it because the next person the person sitting next to you might go oh well if John has then maybe I need to too yeah it's such a empowering message I completely uh get that how how do we you know how do we go forward like you we talk about you know the the dream of changing how masculinity is seen and and it acted on by the men you know the men in our community how how do we start that dialogue in a way like we talk about the negatives what what are the positives about that process of embracing a new masculinity it's it's it's the net outcomes of it right it's it's the positives that you feel better you you you feel in if we talk about male masculinity you know some of those perceived notion and might stipulate that not all male masculinity identity is bad right but but there are some elements that probably still remain it's just the way we look at it so that that notion of what it means to be a man is to be in control of your life right a man needs to be in control of of their Destiny and their future and they have to go out and get it um and they have to be strong but perhaps it's well I am strong because not I'm strong because I just don't deal with this it's like no I'm strong because I'm vulnerable and that's why I'm strong great what great way of looking at it yeah so inviting the you know inviting that you know accepting men for who they are and then saying okay we just need to change the focus of being who you are yeah yeah yeah wals and all as a family man all right um a father a father of two yeah yeah that's that's in itself a different Journey it is well it's it's it's an it's a core journey of a man right so what do you what what does this uh what do you hope your um kids uh know about you as a man and what do you intend on sort of bringing to their world as a man well given On's one's one's a young man and one's a a girl turning into a young lady slightly the same fundamentally the same values but then also slightly different if you will just just based off gender uh but but at the core of it is is you know honesty respect and and Trust in in our family within our Our Family household they're sort of the words that we'll my wife and I will will continue to go is hey guys it's you know these These are don't you know want to see you do well at school but don't expect A's but we do expect these three things and like they're they're non-negotiables beyond that as as a human it's I shared it before the podcast it's I've got it behind me there and it's some of sort of the simple little values that that I try to live by which is Simplicity uh Simplicity humidity and and mod humidity and modesty um if if my wife and I can can can raise those two kids in in a way that that they're comfortable within their own skin uh that that in itself that in itself would be would be a big win I think um for for the for the boy it's very much you know he's growing up and that it dawned on us you know and it's not a reflection of him right but you know the Andrew Tate conversation came up yeah and and it terrified me when I understood how influenced you know I speak to him but it's not just him right like it's it's it's just his generation how influenced they were by and and how much they knew and how much it was just coming up in their social feeds all the time and they're just getting hounded by some of this retory and so for us it was very much around hey well take stop like learn go back educate yourself think about these spokes comments you know does that resonate with you doesn't not and hope that it's not an opinion that we force upon him but it's an opinion that he finds Along on his own and he and he very much has I might say right like he very much has I think for for the girl it's that that notion around um you know don't don't in the same token don't let gender be be a reason as to why you can't do anything um and and teach her that she she can achieve whatever it is she wants to achieve and the only limitating Factor will be whatever wall she puts up in front of her it's interesting you you talk about you know because but you know uh male and female are impacted by of course that sort of manosphere red pill kind of Concepts right that Andrew Tate is talking about but I love the idea earlier of like um belonging is a means in some ways that you don't need to seek your answers in that kind of extreme attitude yeah yeah you you become comfortable in your own skin right you become comfortable with yourself um and and you find yourself and any adolescent you know that's the dangers right like they're adolescence or you know they're finding themselves and they're in those formative years and so it's allowing them to make their mistakes because we all did and we all are sure as hell made some really dumb decisions that I'm sure my parents still remember to this day and allowing them to do that and just being there for them to pick them back up that's what you can do right so true I I I love that idea that the the greatest defense from people trying to tell you who you are is knowing who you are or being comfortable searching for who you are yourself and and it's it's fundamental to mentoring right like especially life mentoring life mentoring is not about actually I can't even say it better it's it's on the wall the delicate balance of mentoring someone is not creating them in your own image but giving them the opportunity to create themselves beautiful yeah and I that's it right like you're not giving them advice you're just journeying alongside them and and allowing them to find or create their own image themselves it's massive isn't it when you talk about the mentoring movement right that's sounds like exactly why it's so essential and so powerful right you know a whole group of men helping other BLS create their own image their own identity I love it so what's beautiful about that right is it transcends those cultural backgrounds or or so not cultural but like demographic backgrounds right like you could have a blue worker and and a white colored worker and they're supporting each other so you might have a retired lawyer supporting a men you know a young trade or vice versa a young tra a young lawyer getting supported by a retired trade and it's like those backgrounds don't always matter you know they're just me at a Hu at a at an emotional level not at a societal level if that yeah it does it's such a good point I I I love that idea that um you know kindness and Care are not are both culturally sensitive and Trauma informed right you yeah you know fantastic the Big Challenge in so many uh men's lives of course and we know the impact on men and mentoring men deal helps men deal with this all the time is um relationships right so how as a as the guru right as now leading mentoring men definitely not the guru what's your tip for uh for you know keeping a relationship strong and healthy and well funly enough as just like 30% of the BLS that reach out to us reach out to us because they're looking like they have relationship issues yeah yeah so you know it's there it's prevalent it exists um I think for look my wife and I we we definitely we've argued a number of times but and we won't you know I won't shy away from that one uh but I think what we do well is is you know we try and do though like a a weekly check-in and sort of just go hey where are you at yeah in a really safe environment to go hey I'm look I'm I'm really stressing about work or I'm really stressing about the kids or I'm really needing this and just communicating what we're needing we don't do it you know sometimes when I say weekly that's probably bit of an exaggeration you know there's some weeks it wasn't best practice um but where we start to get frustrated with each other it's probably that it's our hang on why why are we clashing yeah hang on we need this check in because life gets in the way a lot of it becomes transactional conversations and so you don't then give that space to to get a little bit deeper and and and see you know check in and so we just check in on each other excellent process um take you back to you mentioned burden earlier on and felt the burden of what you walked into and what you discovered as you as you tapped into the zit gist of mentoring in the community how do you handle your burdens that feeling that you're carrying that weight and stay effective how do you look after yourself um look I mean first of all I've got awesome supports around me like first and foremost uh both both what I'd call you know my close my inner circle my close supports very priv privileged to have that at various thing like it also very different levels so like my peers I've got a really close friend like high school group of mates and and it it's interesting in itself cuz somehow where very open with each other and we talk and we talk deep and it was my wife who said Gee you guys you guys like talk like girls uh was you know her sort of first com what do you mean no and she's like no mate like not every friendship group talks the way you guys do like oh that's for some reason just normal for us I don't think we created it we're just lucky that we all came together but so close friends and then you know at various different ages then also the the the mentoring men Community like I I do talk to a lot of our our men and there is you know they say Hey What Can I Do how can I help um and they offer that you know support and re encourage you encouragement to me as well so that's really you that helps and then more at a practical level I I love getting out on Outdoors so it's um I I've got a dirt bike so I'm one of those people that you know will H through not hon I shouldn't say that but you know we ride through and everyone's like oh there's that you know that fool on a motorbike yep that's me uh I love it because it I always say to my wife I'm like oh well every time I go out and buy something like but it's cheaper than a psychologist that's that's what I that's how I try and justify my expenses but um it it just it clears your mind because you have to be present on the bike yeah right like if you're not focused and if you're thinking about something else well that tree will come out of nowhere yeah and so it's like it you just got to be 100% focused and when you get off you've you've sort of just somehow offloaded whatever it has you know whatever's been sitting in your mind definitely that sounds like the southern highers Island's mental health motorbike riding group in the future I I have sort of thought I'm like I wonder if we could incorporate this into mentor and man that'd be definitely my own personal agenda I'm not too sure if that's fair but yes fabulous um and uh M it's been amazing to chat and I I don't want to take up all of your day but you've shared such insights which has been wonderful and thank you for sharing something of yourself and your own background as well but I would um I'd invite you to look forward uh what do you see down the track right you know just around the corner and then a bit further on look I around the corner I'm really really excited around bringing in more more volunteers into the office so one of recognizing with you know we've got three volunteers at the moment that are who are mentors who are really running the the mentor intake process awesome and and that's awesome that's working so well and so now taking that to the next level to go hey well we actually need someone to support and manage other mentors and do a few other things really excited about seeing that come come to life because there's just something in it where they're there because they want to be um and they've got the lived experience of mentoring and uh and you can just see talking to them they're so passionate about about who we are and what we do so bringing that passion into the fold I'm really really looking forward to that uh beyond that it's really looking forward to rolling out that that there's a few little winds a few little doors or windows that need to open for us and I'm sure they will in time uh and so it's about creating you know creating our own luck knocking on doors getting those getting those doors opened but when that comes to life and and to be able to see uh you know this week and we Ian hosted a men's breakfast you were there obviously and and the excitement to go that's that's that's just getting I want to get to a point where it's like every weekend where there's a bunch of men either at a farmers market talking about mentoring men they're running a bonning barbecue or they're having a men's breakfast or a peer support catch up yeah and that excites me to go we've mapped it out we can see how we're going to get there we just need those one or two little opportunities to unlock it for us and so looking around the corner that's the vision that I'm like this will be cool this will be awesome when this happens mate I love that Vision hey um thank you so much it's been great to talk to and uh I really love the uh the uh picture you've uh painted of mentoring men and what you're doing and where you're going so and I know the uh um people out there what can they do to help what can they do to help look it like realistically in in our current our biggest crunch our biggest limitation is is is finances right like I shared earlier we we we were defunded uh to the tune of 300,000 so we we've got to we've got to find that shortfall um so but that's not to say donations right like not it's but opportunities we spoke about corporates right so just from a practical point of view any connections just sharing the story talking about mentoring men getting that getting the word out around who we are and what we do and the vision that we have that would be huge but at a more at a more um you know at a deeper level it's well not forgetting what you and I just spoke about you know and encouraging those whether it's a you know encouraging yourself the men around you to to share your stories to talk about it to take charge to um to you know to to give that invitation to others and to give that invitation to yourself that that would be huge beautiful couldn't think of a better way to finish up thank you pH it's been awesome mate and uh all the best with your uh current challenges and your future triumphs and I look forward to chatting soon mate thanks again thanks you cheers thank you for listening to this episode of kugi Heroes thank you to Colin Lily for permission to use broken as our theme music for this series if you enjoyed this conversation share the podcast with a friend and let us know by leaving a rating and review on Apple podcasts Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts if you'd like to support kuki hero and the stories we share head to kugi heroes.com and follow the instructions to make a tax deductible donation thank you for listening and we'll see you next time [Music]
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Strength in masculinity means being vulnerable, taking charge of your own wellbeing, and talking about what's on your mind, not hiding or pushing through alone.
This conversation includes a mother's dream brings a family to brisbane, standing up to read in class, an orphanage in cambodia changes everything, finding the work that matters behind the scenes, learning what the private sector does right and walking into mentoring men and hearing one word.
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